by JerkhovahsWitless 52 Replies latest jw friends
Tell your friend to read these threads by sd-7, give the girl back to her parents and run like hell.
My marriage is still going, but the elephant in the room is getting bigger. My wife is frightened to discuss anything slightly religious with me.
Separating saucer section...General Order 14. [Borg cubes inbound!--Part II]
My wife and I built up a wonderful marriage while both of us were firm believers. Because we both were fully convinced, we managed to also have a great strength in each other. Once I woke up and realized it wasn't "the truth," my wife is still wonderful and all. She actually puts me ahead of the bullsh*t duty to report my activity to them. She won't do it.
But to maintain such a loyalty above loyalty to WTS, I have to keep my "apostate" activity quiet and minimal. Not that it's a huge sacrifice, but I don't vote, don't buy lottery tickets, I have to keep my sharing of holidays and birthdays with family fairly quiet.
It's a huge trade-off that only works because we were both believers for so long together. With all that, she fully trusts me as much as before I left, but one area has changed. She assumes Satan has gotten to me as far as my beliefs go. It's bizarre for her to be able to support such a belief- it doesn't fit the picture at all. Yet, there it is.
My husband came out first. He was deeper in than I was being an elder and we were all a bit of a disappointment since I was never an uberelders wife. The children were children and never seemed quite as spiritual as the other elders children. So really it was a bit of a shock when he said he no longer believed it.
However once he told me that he no longer believed I did put up a bit of resistance but did reach the tipping point once I had read of Crisis of Conscience and Steve Hassan's book. I stopped trying to justify the GB and using the they are only imperfect men card and took a good long hard look at what I actually believed. I had always held my own opinions on certain matters that were a direct contradiction of the societies view so being able to admit to these beliefs to my husband and not have to justify the extremes was a relief.
That being said it is hard to make an adjustment even when both have agreed to do so. It is constantly negotiating and determining a set of values based on personal moral codes rather than man made dictacts. At least we had the foundation of over 20 years of married life to help us.
I understand that this experience isn't common. Many do not want to change and will not change even when presented with the evidence. This can lead to much misery. You have to ask is it fair to go into a marriage when both parties do not know what they are letting themselves in for? She needs to know where he stands and he needs to know if she is willing to accept him as he is? They need to discuss what they would do regarding different friends and recreation and what expectations they both have. Marrying with secrets like this is foolish and not a good start for either of them. The discussion could break them up but a break up now is kinder and less stressful than a divorce later.
I left first, and at first it was hell, but relatively short lived. My wife got all spiritual, put up a fight and started going out in service all the time. In the mean time, the little things I told her about the JWs was slowly sinking in.
There were two major milestones to helping her get out:
1) Reading about Russel, Rutherford, and the history of the JWs on Wikipedia. This was a 'safe' and 'non-apostate' site to research, and her eyes were being opened up to the fact that their history is not all rosy-colored as the WT would have you believe.
2) She stumbled on my copy of Crisis of Conscience, and read it! Curiosity got the best of her...
After reading CofC, I remember so vividly when she walked into my office and said "So what if it's not the Truth... what do we do now"? And the rest was history!
All this took a few months.
It would have destroyed my marriage. I tried to get us out when I first saw the truth about the truth, and it caused a lot of problems. I was very angry, and a lot more, let's say, violently angry back in my 20's. Punching holes in drywall or throwing expresso makers through windows isn't something I do anymore. I guess I've mellowed with more age. I stayed in for 8 years, until I finally was able to help my wife free herself. It took an emotional appeal, she had to see how much it was hurting me. After she made her decision, all the rational appeals started to make sense to her. I guess you have to choose first. She was pregnant and I did NOT want this for our child. We are now living the lives we should have been living a long time ago.
BTS
actually, we were putting on a charade
for the sake of the Truth TM , so once
we were free and clear of the Truth TM we were able to put our cards on the
table and stop playing losing hands....
sooooo much happier, so much friendlier
now that we get to be who we are and
can still like each other
he is the father of my kids and i love him
but am relieved we are on our own paths
I did exactly what your friend is considering. I married a jw despite having serious doubts. Here is a summary of that experience. If I could go back, I would not have married a jw.
http://www.jehovahs-witness.net/members/private/187637/1/And-so-it-begins
We're slipping out together, fortunately, but even if we weren't I have no doubt our marriage would be improving because I'm becoming a better husband and father. I respect my wife more as an equal now that I'm not mentally under the delusion that she's my subordinate, and she appreciates it.
Those with a spouse still "in" , I feel for you. You are in my prayers, whatever they're worth at this point.
We were married 4 years when we made a complete separation from the meetings. This May will be 20 years we've been married, with a 6 year old and 13 year old.
We got divorced although masintain a positive healthy relationship with the family.
