help me please

by recovering 51 Replies latest jw friends

  • recovering

    My mom just called (she is an active jehovah's witness) She basically has very little to do with me. However she want's to come and visit me and my wife on christmas day . She lives in another state and wants spend the night. She however has made a request that we do not celebrate christmas while she visits. My wife and I have made plans to for christmas with our grown children to have xmas dinner with them at their house. what do i do? We have invited her to our home many other times and she has always declined.

    By the way my wife is not nor has ever been a jw.

  • hecouldbewrong

    Seriously? Sack up and tell her you'll do what you want in your house. Duh.

  • purplesofa

    Wow, the next time I invite myself to someones house I am going to give them the rules in which I will tolerate to be there.

  • cantleave

    What is the purpose of her visit? Is she using you as cheap hotel or is it because love you and wants to rebuild her relationship with you? In that case you would be looking for unconditional love and she has to accept you for what you are. You do not tell her what to believe and she has no right to impose the same onto you.

  • freddo

    Have her over and let her stay overnight at your house but you and your wife go to your grown childrens' house for dinner as you planned and your mother can stay at yours and watch the TV!

  • carla

    It's your house! Sounds like the only reason she is coming is so that you don't celebrate Christmas! Tell her the way it WILL be and if she wants to spend time with her family she is welcome to but it will certainly not be on her terms.

  • recovering

    She want's to visit her non jw sister in another state our house is half way between mom's house and my aunt's house. she wouls only be spending xmas day and night with us. My wife suspects that she wants to stay at our house on xmas because my aunt would never agree to the non celebration of xmas terms.

    It is so hard because i miss my mom so much, but the jw control thing really bothers me

  • shopaholic

    Its your house and your mom needs to respect your religious beliefs. Afterall, she doesn't have to celebrate it with you. If it bothers her that much, it may be best for her to find a hotel.

  • dissed

    Arrogance on her part, no?

    My wifes sister and husnband would visit her mom (never a JW) on the condition, she remove ALL objectional items from her house. She went so far as to write them down. Her mom was so sweet she would comply, put them in a box in the garage.

    Now these were not crosses and religious icons, many of the things most JW's wouldn't have been bothered to own, just conscience items. If it was Xmas time, they would say, "we'd like to come over, but the tree and stuff is so wrong" so Grandma would have them moved to the garage.

    You can only go so far to appease........

  • leavingwt
    She however has made a request that we do not celebrate christmas while she visits.

    "Mom, we'd really love to have you visit us. Unfortunately, we have plans on the 25th. Would you be able to visit on the 26th?"

  • purplesofa

    Well, by all means everyone change their plans to accommodate your mom.

    This is how my Mom tries to operate and she is getting less and less cooperation from her kids.

    I can understand it's a difficult situation for you, but only as much as you are willing to let it happen.

    Been there done that.

    This is the life she chose and she will have to make the sacrifices as you have had to make them too.

    She will simply have to change her travel plans to better convenience everyone.


  • cantleave

    In that case she is using you as a Hotel. The way I would position it is as follows:

    Mum I would love to see you over the holidays and would be delighted to have you come and stay. However I must let you know that my familie's christmas arrangements have been fixed for some considerable time and if I were to change things now it would greatly inconvenience not just myself but others as well. I would fully understand if you would prefer to delay your visit until after the holiday as I will be unable to change arrangements at short notice. If you decide to stay anyway we will be respectful of your wishes as far as we can whilst still maintaining our family celebration. Here is the number of the local congregation if you wish to get in touch with brothers in the area with whom you would prefer to spend the day.

    This is how my wife would deal with it and she is quite good with knotty relationships.

  • nelly136

    as its a stopever as opposed to a visit , i'd suggest she books a motel now cos come christmas they may be full.

  • carla

    If she balks at your celebrating you could remind her how she appears to non jw relatives by being so intolerant, bossy, and grinch-like. Does she really want to give jah's org a bad name? She is supposed to be gracious and if someone gave her a gift she is supposed to accept it graciously as well! as long as the gift itself would not bother her conscience. My brother gets my jw a gift every year, and every year he says the same thing; 'I know you don't really do the whole Christmas thing but here ya go I got you something'. It's kind of cute to watch this little dance repeated every year now especially because my brother never has two nickles to rub together it is important to him to still get my jw a little something.

  • purplesofa

    Here is the number of the local congregation if you wish to get in touch with brothers in the area with whom you would prefer to spend the day.

    Oh very good!

  • AllTimeJeff

    There is an old saying "You deserve what you put up with."

    I know that it would be nice to try to split this baby in half, but it can't be done. From an outsider's (i.e. not your perspective) I have to agree with those who are offended for you. Regardless of whether she is your mom or not, no one has a right to visit you on Christmas Day and then demand that you don't celebrate it!

    I have had some "tough love" episodes with my parents at times, thought not over anything like this. Basically, my opinion is, you have your life that you don't need to apologize for, and they will get over it.

    If it were me, I would tell her that I celebrate Christmas with my family, and that she is welcome anytime at my house, but that she better not mess my Christmas! If she can't do that, I would ask her to figure out if she still wants to visit.

  • Wasanelder Once
    Wasanelder Once

    "She basically has little to do with me". Best advice, let her sleep there and visit with her when you're done with xmas dinner. Then you will be pleasing both parties, she gets a bed and a "little" visit and you get your time with the kids. If she doesn't like that have her come later or get a motel. ...nuff said. W.Once

  • tenyearsafter

    Just as you had/have to abide by her rules in her home, she needs to respect your home and rules. I didn't pick up if you are DF'ed or DA'ed? If so, why would she visit you if she is a "good" JW? It sounds to me like she is being very manipulative so as to block your normal routine in having any type of Xmas celebration. Tell her she is welcome to come, but you aren't changing the family's plans to accommodate that visit.

    Good luck...


  • The Berean
    The Berean

    Go buy her a something and then tell her it is your custom to exchange gifts and hers us waiting under the tree. That should take care of it!

  • recovering

    I am disfellowshipped , just a very weird situation

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