For Active JW Men: Ideas on Awakening Your JW Spouse (Long post) (page 5)

Open mind

tjlibre:

She is an intelligent person, but has not taken the time to analyze the importance that the “this generation” teaching plays in WT's doctrines.

How long has she been a JW? Specifically, before or after 1995?

om

AnnOMaly

OM - brilliant OP. Totally relate - or should I say, hubby (MS) would totally relate.

He 'knew' for well over a decade before I did but he never pushed, although 'tested the waters' occasionally. And due to his background, he had a fear of living in a 'divided household' so he kept the status quo for me/us, which contributed to his spells of dark, silent moods that I couldn't fully understand. No doubt he planted some seeds, and coupled with my own unhappy experiences from youth on, as well as my own questions slowly germinating, finally I broke through - dipping into the resources he had already collected and I'd previously shied away from - and saw sunlight.

tjlibre

After 1995.

Open mind

AnnOMaly:

finally I broke through - dipping into the resources he had already collected and I'd previously shied away from - and saw sunlight.

That goes quite well with your avatar. Thanks for the kind words.

TJlibre:

After 1995.

That's too bad. Screwy doctrines are harder to take when you personally lived through them.

om

under_believer

Late to the party, but just wanted to compliment you, Open Mind from "Uzbekistan," on the excellent OP, and everyone else who's posted since on the extremely high quality of this thread. This one definitely belongs in the "Best Of" section--one of the top 10 threads I've personally seen on JWD.

Sharing my personal experience now: I've been out mentally for quite some time--since a couple of years before I joined JWD, as a matter of fact--and made some early mistakes in my presentation of the issue to my wife. Our situation is different in many ways than others I've seen on here, but the core remains similar--both born in, mid-30s, three kids 10 and under.

My big sticking point is that my wife is very liberal, JW-wise, and highly intelligent, and yet also a strong believer. Personally I think her type is the most difficult to break out because she's intelligent, sees (and freely admits) many of the problems with the Org with clear eyes, is liberal in many areas including her consumption of media and her allowing of the children to take part in certain activities, and yet still believes that it is "as close to the truth as we can get" and maintains her participation. How do you work with someone like that?

In any case, at this point, I've pretty much given up on ever getting her out, though the kids are still easily fair game. I still love her to death and have no plans to leave, but I can't hold back my own "progress" anymore for her sake, and will likely "come out" to my kids within the next couple of months or so, which, since I refuse to ask them to keep secrets for me, will probably lead to my eventual DA-by-default.

As has been mentioned a lot in the thread by now, everyone's situation is different and there's no one-size-fits-all approach. I, ironically, am now putting my hope for my wife in the JW's "won without a word" doctrine--if she can see that I remain a good, moral, decent person after I leave, it may eventually reach her heart.

u_b

AwSnap

Always strive to empathize and communicate. Really try to see how a conversation is being perceived by your spouse and be ready to back off as soon as you see any signs of defensiveness. Your seed planting is over for that day.

I have to remember this over and over and over and over again. Patience has never been a strong point for me, but I am dedicated to showing my jw's the way 'out'. It's really frusterating, especially when you do things 'by the book', the evidence is out, and they don't even blink an eye to it . I guess you just really don't know what seed sticks with them, or when their lightbulb moment will come. I rarely bring something up unless I've researched like crazy & know what their response will be....and I ALWAYS ask in a humble, sincere manner.

drew sagan

Excellent points.

Every situation is different, yet I too feel that the abrupt 'cold turkey' approach has a great many problems that people tend to overlook. You make an excellent point in regards to the JWs being a male oriented, top down, authority structure. The more connected you are within the congregation, the more organization dirt you can share with your JW loved ones (especially wife).

The organization works hard to project a romantic myth about itself. By sharing the internal problems, the idealized picture comes into question.

I'm so glad you went about this the way that you did. It serves as and excellent example.

As a side not, there was a thread I posted one time in which I openly wondered about going into the organization deeper in order to pull my wife out. I figured that I could do a lot of what you mentioned in this post. It turned out that none of it was necessary. Each situation is different.

Open mind

under_believer:

yet still believes that it is "as close to the truth as we can get" and maintains her participation. How do you work with someone like that?

You mentioned that she is very liberal in many areas including allowing the children to take part in certain activities. Use the Watchtower's counsel in reverse. "Bad (non-JW) associations spoil useful (Watchtower) habits." Any chance of slowly developing some non-JW relationships for both her and the kids? In the early days, she can justify this by thinking that she might be able to witness to them someday. Once this is accomplished, it helps in putting a real face on future Armageddon victims.

"Honey, I sometimes find it hard to believe that a loving God is really going to destroy Joe & Susan, (hard-working, moral, outgoing good people) just because they didn't take the Watchtower & Awake! and start studying with the JWs. I mean, if I was God, and I know I'm not, I'm just trying to understand here, I'd try to make "The Truth" a little bit more apparent so people like Joe & Sue could see it. I don't know, maybe something a little bit miraculous like He did in the Bible to show he was really God."

Just a thought.

Best regards,

om

p.s. I'll try to reply to Awsnap & Drew a little later

zarco

OM - this is the first time I had a chance to read your analysis of the fade. It is a wonderful thought provoking piece. Thanks for posting it!

zarco

Open mind

Thanks zarco.

How's everything over in the Chatham Islands today?

We're expecting patchy fog and low 60's here in Uzbekistan.

om

For Active JW Men: Ideas on Awakening Your JW Spouse (Long post)

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