Terrorist attack kills 200 - corpses mutilated

Awakened at Gilead

Reuters, July 15, 2009 6pm local Jerusalem time

Man kills 200 in Gaza Strip and cuts off their penises

It seemed like a perfect day. Not a cloud in the sky, the sun shining brightly, yet unseasonably comfortable for this time of year, due to the gentle mountain breezes coming down from Mt. Tabor in the east. The only thing that seemed to mar this perfect day was the pile of corpses by the side of highway 5, 200 hundred of them, in fact. The beautiful day is punctured by the wails of the wives who have come to recognize and bury their husbands, and who are even more incensed viewing the genital mutilation of the corpses.

The man responsible for these killings was willing to speak to the press, although he maintained that he needed to maintain his actual location a secret for fear of reprisals. The man's name? David Ben-Yesi, who has been living in various cities between Jerusalem and the Gaza Strip for the past few years. He claims that the killings were necessary due to the overpopulation of the residents of Gaza, and also because his father in law, who apparently lives in Gibeah and goes by the name, "Sol", wanted to increase his penis collection.

While it may seem strange to some, "Sol" has an extensive penis collection, consisting of uncircumcised penises from people he or his relatives have killed in the past few decades, including penises from Gaza, Jordan, Egypt, and even Turkey.

While the world looks upon the killings with horror and brands Mr. Ben-Yesi as a terrorist, he disagrees. Mr. Ben-Yesi has been claiming to hear voices and has had visions ever since he was a child. Some of the times the voices advised him to do peaceful activities, such as learning to play musical instruments or write songs. But more frequently, the voices advised him that he should kill people from neighboring countries, even if these neighbors did not initiate hostilities.

Mr. Ben-Yesi's most recent attack involved 200 volunteer militia men who patrolled the Gaza border. It is unclear what type of weapon he used to be able to singlehandedly kill all the men and then desecrate the corpses, or whether he had assistance. It is also unclear how Mr. Ben-Yesi shipped the penises to his father in law, as the primary shipping company in the area, ProphetExpress, claimed to have no knowledge of any such shipment. Attempts to contact "Sol" have not been successful, nor has he been willing to open up his penis collection for display.

Even though the residents of Gaza are horrified by this latest attack, public support for Mr. Ben-Yesi's subversive activities runs high, and it is likely that he will escape prosecution.

Shlomo Goldstein and Samuel Likofsky contributed to this report.
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metaspy

Um... that is wrong on so many levels.

Awakened at Gilead

Yep, that King David dude was pretty wrong on so many levels...

purplesofa

How can he escape prosecution?

This is insane.

cognizant dissident

Awakened: Not everyone on this board appreciates satire, I've found.

Wouldn't it be great to give an article like that to one of the elders and ask them what they think of this nutjob? Then record their faces when they figured out you were talking about King David. Priceless!

I think you would have to make it slightly more subtle though, as I figured it out half way through. There were a couple of too obvious giveaways.

Cog

Awakened at Gilead

Thanks coggie, but as you can see from the responses, most don't realize that its just satire, nor do they click on the link that leads to the Bible... hehe

Gregor

Great spoof! It made the point perfectly. Todays Islamic terrorist and religious fanatics don't hold a candle to the Old Testaments stories of God backed butchery.

MissingLink

Brilliant! You might want to change the link to one that's more clear what the "evidence" was though:

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20samuel%2018:25-30;&version=51;

Awakened at Gilead

Thanks Grehor and ML.

Today's Bible thumpers would do well to think about what really happened in the Bible accounts, and look at things from the eyes of the victims too.

beksbks

Good Stuff A@G!

Terrorist attack kills 200 - corpses mutilated

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