My life has reached to a dead end...I'm stuck and there is no way out. I was inactive for 6 years and I'm disfellowshiped for the past 3. I would never think that my life would have been in this terrible mess.
I wasn't planned to be disfellowshiped by my "wife" turned me in to the elders for apostasy 2 times!!! The last time I didn't care at all about their lousy Org and wrote a 3 page letter asking answers for major issues that WT would never answer: 607 B.C was the major and few inconsistencies of their teachings. Well they didn't answer. They judicial committee told me that I must accept what is the current light by the Org without questions. So I told them I do not accept your answer, they said this is our doctrine, either you accept it or you do not. So I said I don't.
After I had to leave home since there was a great turmoil between me and my wife. I was accused for been proud (usual staff) arrogant, I was misleaded by "apostates". I was living alone for 2 years. Then my "wife" told me to go back, since our 2 small kids wanted me.
So I’m back to home, but my life is really bad. My ‘wife’ she has frequent parties at home, inviting JW’s and I’m asked not be present at home when the ‘brothers and sisters’ are at my home. Plus lately many congregations are going on excursions in order to have close relations among the “brotherhood”.
Most of the times, I’m late to go home, feeling like a stranger. When we start talking a subject then it ends to a quarrel, accusing me of being proud and arrogant because I left the Organization and I don’t care for others except myself.
I don’t talk regarding WT’s doctrines with her since there is no need to, she has a blocked mind. Few days she told me that to be with me is hard for her, since we can’t go anyplace together (meetings, assemblies, excursions, parties, weddings) and I’m responsible for this bad situation she is. I told her that is ‘not my fault if some religious leaders mistranslate the Bible text in order to fit their theology. Is not my fault because they are unable to show love and FORGIVENESS. Jesus shows love to everyone, He even talked to the Scribes and Pharisees and He knew that they would kill Him. Is the GB above Jesus? Your situation is not because of me, is because YOU wish to follow false prophets who have nothing to do with the Bible and most of all Christian like qualities’…
I just don’t know what to do anymore. If I say something to my kids, like God is love and loves us all and He will not kill anyone, she gets angry because I’m ‘brainwashing’ my children!!! Living in a house without love kills me. My concern is the children and I do not wish to leave again the house. On the other hand we are just like 2 strangers living in the same house.
Emotionally I’m down. I have depression and most of the times feel bad. I don’t feel like going back. I HATE WT. I hate them because they ruined my life, stolen way my best years of my life, my child hood, my pride, my personality, ALL of what makes us humans. I have suffered due to their neutrality issue, that time they did not accept alternative service, something that they did few years after. In my country it is important to finish the Army, since Government, Banks, major companies ask for the army service confirmation, in order to hire you.
I just wanted to have a normal life like most of the people. Leaving WT turns your life into nightmare. My crime: I don’t believe that the WT is the true religion on earth…Why do I have to suffer like that? A destroyed marriage, I wasn’t allowed to attend to my child’s wedding, my best friend she killed her self due to psychological problems of an abusive father. Why all this suffering?
When I know that my friends, relatives( JW’s) they will not speak to me and treat me like dead? When I know in order to love me, their love is with conditions. If they have the legal right to stone me they would have done it, that’s for sure!!! Few weeks ago I attend to a class reunion. My “worldly” friends that I haven’t seen for 2 decades they were happy to see me, they ask for me phone and email. I walked away for a few minutes from the dinner since I couldn’t hold my tears. With those people we were together some 3 and some 6 years and they seemed to be so happy to see me there. They never cared if I was a JW. They loved me for what I’m a crazy guy with jokes that makes them laugh. I felt a human for the first time after many years. I went back finish my dinner and dance with them until the early morning. At that night I felt just human again. What scared me most is that I felt a strange connection between my self and a classmate. We dance all night, all those great 80’s hits. She was still beautiful after all those years with long brown hair touching her shoulders. I drove back to my old house and couldn’t sleep that night, thinking of her and how my life would have been different if I had a normal life like anyone else.
I just don’t know where this road will lead me. I feel so trapped in the WT world. I have chosen not to be part of their fantasy anymore. I couldn’t stand their lies, hypocrisy and self righteousness. I wanted to start my life again. I tried to help my wife but it didn’t workout. For her WT is a GOD and loves WT more than me, I guess that is why she couldn’t even wait until the wedding of our first child and she turned me in for apostasy, knowing that I would not change my mind of what WT stands for.
There is no way out. On the one side I want to start a new life, living like a normal human being and on the other hand I feel I must stay next to my children that I love dearly, suppressing all of my feelings and straggle against the brainwashing my wife and WT are doing to them, I don’t know if I should stay or leave since living in the same house with my wife I’m not allowed to talk to them about the real Jesus. I’m trying to find balance in my life but I’m so far from finding that balance. I feel trapped, unhappy. I wake up with pain in my soul, I go to sleep with more pain in my soul and my dreams are foul with pain. Pain has become my best friend. In our Hellenic mythology it was person named Sisyphus, who rejected God’s. As a result Zeus punishes him to push a huge round bolder over a mountain. When he reached at the top, the bolder rolled down again and Sisyphus starts all over again.
This is how I feel, and like Roger Waters says “I got a strong urge to fly but I got no were to flight to….”