How did your young children cope when you left?

by boyzone 20 Replies latest jw friends

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  boyzone

  Hi

  I have an 8 year old son who's in primary school. He has to pass 3 sisters and their kids most mornings and they shun me, so therefore they shun him too as he's with me. He has known these people since birth so he's pretty confused by this. I have tried to gently explain why they do this and have taken him into school by another entrance, but he's still upset. He will run and hide if he sees someone from the hall when we're out shopping etc.

  Not only that but he's started to display emotional difficulties and the school want to refer him to the Child mental health people. This is because his teacher thinks the JW mindset of "if you leave, Jehovah will kill you" has badly affected and frightened him. Not only that but the sudden freedom of being "allowed" to do birthdays and christmas has baffled him, after all I spent the last 7 years teaching him that Jehovah hates those that celebrate these things.

  Don't get me wrong, he wants to go to birthday parties and is really pleased he's allowed, but he's also scared that Jehovah will "get him".

  God I feel so guilty its overwhelming. I just want to wrap my dear boy in my arms and protect him from all the crap and bullshit I was required to teach him.

  So did any of you experience this when you left? How did your youngsters handle it?

  thanks
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  MissingLink

  Little girl was 2, she's in her own little singing/dancing world.

  Little boy was 5 1/2. He HATED the meetings. He's still very pleased every sunday morning that we're not actually going. We weren't in the habbit of making all of the tues/thurs meetings anyway. He soon forgot about those. He's relieved to be able to go to his friends birthday parties and not be the odd one out about holidays and other school activities. It is still a bit wierd because he misses a couple of his old JW friends who are avoiding us (not quite shunning yet).

  You need to make your boy proud of what he does believe, and not ashamed of what he doesn't. Remind him that he's right, and they're wrong. He's not doing anything bad.
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  momzcrazy

  Poor baby! Mine went thru that too. And my oldest has gotten trapped by the over religious neighbors, and is now trying to "save" us. I had her read Acts, "What must I do to be saved?".

  Tell him you were wrong to teach him what you did. That he is not an evil sinner, and that NO WHERE in the Bible does it say that you must be a JW for God to love you and save you. The Bible says the wicked will be destroyed. Ask him if he thinks he is wicked. He isn't. He's a wonderful little boy.

  As to the shunning, ask him if he remembers hearing about Jesus doing that. What kind of people did Jesus associate with? The ones that the religious leaders in his day said were sinners.

  We did alot of research about the holidays. Where in the Bible does it say not to celebrate them...Why Jesus didn't celebrate his birthday...(I found that answer by researching the lifestyles of people who lived in Jesus' time. The rich tended to celebrate birthdays, the poor didn't. Jesus' family was poor.)

  Keep things as normal as possible around your home. Same house rules, same chores, do homework. Give him lots of love and he will be OK.

  momz
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  Hope4Others

  My kids were grown when we left, but somehow they were more adjusted mentally than I could imagine and

  therefore i know they helped me.

  It may be a good idea to have some therapy for your son....we know how much it has affected us adults, children

  have difficulty understanding the effects. Wish you all the best with your sweet son.

  h40
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  song19

  My son asked me the other day why we are not going to the meeting. He is under 5, and the comment surprised me since many times he would complain when we did go to the meetings and that we haven't gone in a while. He was only exposed to a couple incidences involving holidays at school and we just told him we didn't celebrate birthdays or Christmas. I guess I just tried to avoid the subject as long as possible, never really giving him a reason. My mentality was why teach him something that you're just going to tell him he can't do. With school starting up again in September, I am sure he will finally be exposed to it all... and so be it. I guess I was never a good 'witness' mom; we were irregular meeting attendees, he would misbehave so badly at the meetings, and my son has only been out in the service a handful of times. Believe me, the quilt I felt was intense. Here I love my kids with all my heart, yet for some reason I couldn't do what I needed to do in order to secure their future in 'God's new order'. I felt awful all the time.

  My son is adjusting, since he can hardly notice the change. He never liked reading the Teacher book or Bible story book... so when we stopped those, he didn't even notice. It will be interesting to see what happens when his school mate’s birthdays come up or when December comes. I guess it may be a little confusing for him. I hope the transition will be a smooth one since for him it was just one birthday and one Christmas he knows of that he missed. I plan to attend family b-parties this summer to get him adjusted. Should be fun!

  Sorry to hear about your son. I can only imagine how hard this must be on such a young mind. If his fear is the same as I felt when I was still in and 'not doing enough', it must be hard. All I can say is, be there for him. I don't know what it's like dealing with children of 8, but could you ask him if he wants to read the bible with you, bit by bit, to see for himself. Maybe concentrate of scriptures highlighting that we should be good, and kind, and that God loves us... deal with issues or questions he has, that God isn't going to destroy him. (this of course if you are still a bible reader, which for me I am not right now - yea, still in anger mode.) Maybe keeping close to God by Bible reading will relieve his fears since he is still doing what God wants him to do. Keep it as simple as possible. Perhaps one day explore the Bible with him and find together that it doesn't say not to celebrate the holidays etc. If he has a hard time letting go of the beliefs, use the Bible to help him move on and disprove them... at his pace and understanding. Keep the lines of communication open and give him some a little insight on how you are feeling too, that he isn't alone.

  Just my opinion, but I think that's what I would do if I were in that situation.. and may still end up doing.

  all the best to you and your son... keep us updated.
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  nelly136

  if the school is offering counselling please let your littlun take it (dont be put off by the name), it will give him chance to express himself to someone neutral and get some of it off his chest, although its probably confidential to a degree as in they probably wont tell you what he says, he will probably come home and chat about whats he's talked about with them. the more he can get it off his chest hopefully the faster you'll see a turn around.

  maybe you could try making a bit of a joke about it here and there, saying oh good grief i was dead daft to believe/be scared by this or that, which would show him youre both in the same boat and give you common ground, you and him against the boogey man.....is that armageddon coming???? noooooooo its a train/bus/plane/superman (not neccesarily that but making light of scary things can take a lot of fears away)

  the only thing hindsights good for is being too late to help, don't beat yourself up too much with guilt.
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  r.a.m.

  My daughter was 8 when we left. Over the couple years before we left, she had the opportunity to hear our evolving beliefs. We tried to explain things to her more the closer we got to leaving. It's not that we planned on leaving, but our feelings changed and we learned more. We knew in was inevitable that we would be gone at some point. As we learned more about who God and Jesus really were, we would tell her. She has been okay and for a while I was dead set against all the celebrations that witnesses are against. Eventually I began to feel that birthdays are okay as long as we don't make it into a "you can have whatever you want even if you're a brat because it's your birthday" thing. I don't celebrate Christmas or Halloween or Easter and really any other holidays. They really are full of lies and paganism, and there is no way to celebrate those things if I'm following Jesus because Jesus doesn't mix with falsehood.
  
  It might be good to tell your child that you made a mistake by being in a religion that wants you to follow men. They tricked you and taught you lies. Tell him that God is loving and only wants you to come to him in truth and that God is happy that you were able to realize the lies that the WTS taught you. That He's so happy you were able to find out and get out of that religion because the only way to God is through His son, not through a religion. Tell him that the other witnesses really are only doing what they thing is right and maybe they'll be able to one day know God better and get out. Tell him that God loves them too, just as much as he loves you. God loves all people no matter how bad they are, and that God just wants us to show love to others and not be involved in things that are untrue. If we're doing that, we are just making it that much easier to know God even more.
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  yknot

  He needs to be redirected in his associations.

  Sign him up to lots of summer clubs where he can establish himself as "normal' and create new friendships.

  If the 'Sisters" shunning continues to effect your child in a negative way; call a meeting with the principle,superintendent, child's teacher, & guidance counselors about the 'bullying' these woman are doing to your son. Mental health is more and more being taken seriously in public school. Make sure to stress that you nor you son have any qualms with the girls themselves but that the parents are inciting 'hate'.

  So far my children's lives haven't changed that much. We normally do a whole month of 'family celebration' since one child is born at the first of August and the other at the end, this year however they want separate parties with all the trimmings.

  Frankly the B-day ban is waning on many JW families. Yea I get shunning Xmas but personal celebrations of acknowledging the gift that each child is to their family is getting old.........That and the WTS attends UN B-days!
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  chickpea

  talk about rafters and straws!

  i can only imagine that they feel
  so incredibly self-righteous that
  they are upholding "god's word"
  while in actuality they are being cruel
  to a child !!! a blameless vulnerable child!!!

  wankers!! the lot of them!!
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  BurnTheShips

  Mine spat up on a good suit the last time I walked out of KH. He did a big dookie too. Then he sniffed around for mommies boobies.

  Other than that he has been OK.

  BTS