LONG story short: Forgive my grammar, I’m in a hurry!
I grew up as a JW by my mother who was baptized about two years before I was born. My dad studied but was a severe (really severe) alcoholic and my older brother studied but was never really into it.
She did not divorce him despite the alcoholism, verbal abuse, driving us children around while stone drunk and having minor accidents with us in the car (SOMONE was looking after us). The elders told her that that she had to remain with him. Years later when I was 16, he started using crack and steeling from the home and stole thousands of dollars out of my mom’s checking account one time. The brothers in this new congregation we started attending told her she can divorce and still be free to marry if she wanted (which after 27 years of Hell, she didn’t!).
I was sexually assaulted when I was 9-12 many times by some boys the went to a middle school. One of then just was the son of an elder. I told my mother and we went to the brothers and they pretty much blew me off because I didn’t “scream” like some account in the Bible were Taymor? Taimor? did or didn’t scream when was raped by her brother. I was scared to death during those years. I couldn’t run, let alone scream. My case was essentially dismissed by them. That has left a horrible scar on me.
I got baptized when I was 17. I didn’t know what I wanted out of life though. I had already started to slip away a couple years back, had boyfriends and sex, experimented with weed and alcohol (just occasionally), but still attended all meetings and FS because my mother was my influence. I pretty much got baptized for my mother.
By 19-20, I really wanted to get married. Mostly because I wanted to stop committing fornication! At 20 I married a ministerial servant who I later found out didn’t want to work, wanted me to support him, owned guns (secretly but legally). I found out later that he had this horrible dark side that wanted to murder women. I know this sound odd but I was practically married to a potential serial killer. He said Jehovah was the only thing keeping him from acting out.
I stayed with him for three years. I supported him financially and emotionally. Then he started to physically abuse me. I woke up one night with his hands around my neck for no reason. We also had an argument where he attacked me in the same way. Stupidly, I didn’t leave him until 6 months later. When I told the elders why, they pretty much blew me off and asked why I didn’t tell them sooner. They didn’t believe me because I waited almost six months to report him. They didn’t ask me if I went to the police, filed a report or anything. I was told if I divorce, I wouldn’t be free to remarry. They never questioned him about his actions. That was the end of that discussion. This was summer of 2002.
I left him, filed divorce, got my own place and never went to another meeting except the Memorial which I stopped going last year.
I’m in another relationship with a sane man and we have the upmost respect for each other. I had other relationships and flings but there were not long-term. This is.
So here is the problem:
My mother, who is still very active in the congregation, knows nothing about this. “This” meaning my not attending meetings, not going to the memorials, I have no publications; she doesn’t know I have relationships, sex, nothing.
I don’t want disassociate myself because I love my mother (despite her past faults) and it would crush her to know end. We are not very close but we talk about 2-3 a month by phone. Whenever she brings up the society, I pretend I know what she’s talking about. I get most of my information about what’s going on like the Watchtower changes and the new “Bible Study” arrangement from sites such as this one.
Any advice? I know this is a hard one, but any experiences or words would help. If it wasnt for her, I would have DF myself long ago.
Not sure what to do - Not "in" and not "out"
by Alexia 21 Replies latest jw experiences
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Alexia
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Casper
Welcome Alexia...
Wow, what a life you have led... Thanks for sharing.
I can understand loving your Mother and not wanting to hurt her. I have never been in your situation, many here have. I am sure someone will come along that can share their experiences with you.
We look forward to getting to know you.
Cas
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darth frosty
Guessing for paragraphs.
LONG story short: Forgive my grammar, I’m in a hurry! I grew up as a JW by my mother who was baptized about two years before I was born. My dad studied but was a severe (really severe) alcoholic and my older brother studied but was never really into it. She did not divorce him despite the alcoholism, verbal abuse, driving us children around while stone drunk and having minor accidents with us in the car (SOMONE was looking after us). The elders told her that that she had to remain with him. Years later when I was 16, he started using crack and steeling from the home and stole thousands of dollars out of my mom’s checking account one time. The brothers in this new congregation we started attending told her she can divorce and still be free to marry if she wanted (which after 27 years of Hell, she didn’t!). I was sexually assaulted when I was 9-12 many times by some boys the went to a middle school. One of then just was the son of an elder. I told my mother and we went to the brothers and they pretty much blew me off because I didn’t “scream” like some account in the Bible were Taymor? Taimor? did or didn’t scream when was raped by her brother. I was scared to death during those years. I couldn’t run, let alone scream. My case was essentially dismissed by them. That has left a horrible scar on me. I got baptized when I was 17. I didn’t know what I wanted out of life though. I had already started to slip away a couple years back, had boyfriends and sex, experimented with weed and alcohol (just occasionally), but still attended all meetings and FS because my mother was my influence. I pretty much got baptized for my mother. By 19-20, I really wanted to get married. Mostly because I wanted to stop committing fornication! At 20 I married a ministerial servant who I later found out didn’t want to work, wanted me to support him, owned guns (secretly but legally). I found out later that he had this horrible dark side that wanted to murder women. I know this sound odd but I was practically married to a potential serial killer. He said Jehovah was the only thing keeping him from acting out. I stayed with him for three years. I supported him financially and emotionally. Then he started to physically abuse me. I woke up one night with his hands around my neck for no reason. We also had an argument where he attacked me in the same way. Stupidly, I didn’t leave him until 6 months later. When I told the elders why, they pretty much blew me off and asked why I didn’t tell them sooner. They didn’t believe me because I waited almost six months to report him. They didn’t ask me if I went to the police, filed a report or anything. I was told if I divorce, I wouldn’t be free to remarry. They never questioned him about his actions. That was the end of that discussion. This was summer of 2002. I left him, filed divorce, got my own place and never went to another meeting except the Memorial which I stopped going last year. I’m in another relationship with a sane man and we have the upmost respect for each other. I had other relationships and flings but there were not long-term. This is. So here is the problem: My mother, who is still very active in the congregation, knows nothing about this. “This” meaning my not attending meetings, not going to the memorials, I have no publications; she doesn’t know I have relationships, sex, nothing. I don’t want disassociate myself because I love my mother (despite her past faults) and it would crush her to know end. We are not very close but we talk about 2-3 a month by phone. Whenever she brings up the society, I pretend I know what she’s talking about. I get most of my information about what’s going on like the Watchtower changes and the new “Bible Study” arrangement from sites such as this one. Any advice? I know this is a hard one, but any experiences or words would help. If it wasnt for her, I would have DF myself long ago.
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jamiebowers
Your story sounds very similar to mine, except I was df'd simply for refusing to bow to the will of the WTB&TS based on principle. I did not want to hang around long enough to see if my crazy jw husband would either accomplish his death threats or commit adultery, freeing me to remarry. There are many of us in the same situation. But anyway, why do you have to do anything? Are you planning to marry this man? If so, why not marry him and not let your mom know? Do you know that status of your ex? Maybe he's already committed adultery, freeing you to remarry If you're not ready to marry this guy, then why say anything to your mom? Why say anything to her about him one way or the other?
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Rev1212
So sorry for the bad things that happened to you. But why didn't your mom call the police about the sexual assaults when you were between 9 and 12???? And what about when your husband was physically abusive to you -- why didn't YOU go to the police and have him arrested? The elders at the KH are not police chiefs that can go an arrest a perpetrator. Well I don't have all the facts and don't wish to put you down because obviously you have had a hard life, but whenever I have had problems regarding criminal matters, I have taken it to the police station, not to the Kingdom Hall. I don't see how the two places are even remotely related.
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jamiebowers
whenever I have had problems regarding criminal matters, I have taken it to the police station, not to the Kingdom Hall. I don't see how the two places are even remotely related.
Because elders very seldom encourage outside involvement. They don't consider abuse of women and children inside the organization as a crime that should be reported to the police but as a sin that should be reported to the elders.
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Rev1212
I am still not understanding -- what would the elders have to do with a criminal matter?
Hello, if someone breaks into my house and steals stuff from me I am not going to go to an elder to report it. I am going to call the police. Same for if I were raped -- I would call the police, not the elders!
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thom
Sorry to hear alot of what has happened, but it sounds like you're with a good guy now, which is great! May family is mostly in, but I just stopped going to meetings about 5 years ago. No need to disassociate myself, I've not been disfellowshipped, I just quit. After a while, you're family figures it out and can be pushy, but my thought is that people need to do what's best for themselves, as long as you're not hurting anyone. I don't consider making your own spiritual decisions as hurting someone else, no matter how much they try to make you feel that way. At some point family will start saying "Why are you doing something that means I can't spend time with you?" Remember that it is NOT YOU doing this, it is them. It's hard, but you have a life to live and a right to live it. Note: I'd put paragraph breaks in but they don't show up. Sorry about that.
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Alexia
"I am still not understanding -- what would the elders have to do with a criminal matter?" Of course they have nothing to do with a criminal matter. When this happened between me and my ex-husband, I was too afraid to go to the police. I _did_ have to explain to the elders why I was divorcing him. "But why didn't your mom call the police about the sexual assaults when you were between 9 and 12???? " She did, but they boys left the area (for a few years) when they found out they cops were after them. Thus, they got away with it. I have no idea what my ex is doing. I havent seen him or since before I filed for divorce.
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Alexia
Sorry about the lack of paragraphs and spacing. I cant figure out how to keep the proper spacing/paragraphs in the post when its published.