Are We Doomed To Repeat Patterns?

by saywhat29 20 Replies latest jw friends

saywhat29

Gosh darnit, this is my attempt to pull off a Minimus-esque thread that will eventually die, but just a question that has been dragging around in my head as of recently. I've been on this psychoanalytic kick for some time (for such a time that I know 'psychoanalytic' is not the right term to use but it fooled enough of you when I said it, and that's all that matters)- especially about family dynamics, patterns, and relationships.
I've been analyzing myself recently and more importantly I've been thinking about myself and the history of my relationships with those I love. Everybody here is a group of smart folks so I won't even bother to explain the story of Oedipus, Oedipal complex/Electra complex, or triangular relationships for that matter because its all so confusing, but the gist of them al is that everything that we have done or feel or go through is connected to the relationships we have with our parents and how we were raised.
Hey you, homewrecker? You keep finding yourself outside of other people's relationships... why are unavailable people so attractive to you. Cold you be possibly making up for the fact that nobody as a child really loved you and the relationship you are really trying to breach is that of your parents? I know I know, it seems like a stretch and too simplistic to base a person's total personality off of the relationships they had with their parents/siblings and so on, but to me I just can't help but not to, especially when the same thing keeps happening over and over again.
For instance, I find it too coincidental that my mom had the same number of kids that my grandmother had, with the same age difference she has with her own brother. I also find it coincidental that even though my sister and I do not share the same father, the two are similar except for minor details... and when you look at them those details pretty much boil down to her own father. *shrugs*
P.S. I on a Freudian-Lacanian kick right now so just humor me- Can you note any continuing patterns in your life or in your family that happen that couldn't have just "happened" without some deeper reason or meaning?
snowbird

You better stop that cussin' or no one will answer you!
Gosh darnit, this is my attempt to pull off a Minimus-esque thread
I've noticed negative patterns that continually repeat themselves in my family. Sometimes those patterns will bypass a whole generation only to crop up in a later generation. It's so frustrating!
For instance, my mother was quite neurotic and never could sustain a stable relationship with men. All of her 8 daughters dealt with the same issues, but her granddaughters seem to be in pretty solid relationships. I've given up trying to figure this out.
That's all I have to say on that. Sorry, this topic brings back too many dreary memories.
Sylvia
Lady Lee
Are We Doomed To Repeat Patterns?
Only if we doin't learn from them.
I have found the intergenerational similarities rather astounding in my family.
- My mother was hospitalized when she was 2 and therefore not with her family for a short period of time
- I left my husband when my daughter was 2 for a short period of time
and
- My mother's father died when she was 8 and she went to live with her mother whom she had not seen for at least 6 years
- My mother left my father when I was 8 and I didn't see her for 3 years
- I left my husband for good when my youngest daughter was 8 - at least she got to see her father that lived just a few blocks away
Some interesting studies have been done on the intergenerational transmission of abuse. I easily see this in my family and have worked hard to make sure some things weren't passed on
My grandmother had 11 children (my mother's generation). Everyone of those children were abused, physically, emotionally and sexually
From those 11 children (my generation) 1 died in adolescence. One was given up for adoption as an early teen. Of the other nine children there are 39 grandchildren. Of those 39 at least 30 of them were sexually abused - all 5 children in my family included. More if not all were physically or emotionally abused
Most of those 39 (my daughters generation) have children - I can't even begin to count them all. Even if each person had only 2 children (some had more) we are talking about 78 people in this generation some who were sexually abuse, most physically or emotionally abused.
And then a new generation has started and some of those are having children.
Over 100 people - the majority abused in some way. It just gets passed on from one generation to the next.
When I left the JWs and my elder-husband I stopped hitting my kids. They weren't sexually abused - ever. And although I did a lot of yelling I never called them names or put them down like i was. Granted I could have done better. But the sexual abuse stopped in my line.
We need to learn what the patterns are and find ways to stop them. Sometimes that means being brutally honest with ourselves. It might mean talking to family - if they will open up.
We have the power to stop the cycles.
saywhat29

Wow, sorry to bring up such harsh memories for you ladies. Didn't really mean to; as I thought this will be mostly a fluffy thread but yeah abuse is a thing that does definitely pass down from generatin to generation.
I mainly want to learn the pattern because I fear I doomed to end up like my mother 'cause I'm too much like her already in all the bad ways.
snowbird

I don't believe anyone is doomed, SayWhat.
As Lady Lee said, we have to recognize those patterns and deal with them in a forthright manner. When I was with the JW's, I expected the "new system" to take care of all my problems. Now, I tackle them as they arise. Some I can handle and some I can't.
I've tried to help with my grandkids, but one in particular is just too disturbed. She needs psychiatric intervention because she's determined to self-destruct. It pains me to see that self-destructive pattern emerge at such a young age, but I'm powerless to do anything about it.
This thread is giving me a lot of food for thought. Thank you for starting it.
Sylvia
real one

yeah things tend to repeat themselves
saywhat29

I should have been more clear, I don't think I'll end up with partners like my mother did (God I hope not) because I'm aware of patterns so I'll know or figure out how to avoid them. But I don't think I'm Doomed per se. "Doom" is a strong word huh, lol.
Maddie

I believe that through the reasons of nature and nurture it is very likely that we will repeat behaviour patterns of parents and siblings. However, I don't believe we are doomed to do so because we have the ability to change ourselves and our lives. By learning about ourselves and understanding why we behave in a certain way are the tools we need to do things differently and not follow the same pattern as our parents.
Maddie
jaguarbass

What ever problem you had with your parents you have to get over. I know from experience.
If you keep repeating the same behavior and you blame it on your relationship with your parents, that becomes and excuse and maybe a crutch.
When I escaped the tower in 83 at 31 years old, I felt that there was something similar to tapes playing in my head over and over some daily, some weekly, some monthly and out. Whether or not its a chemical circle that keeps repeating or certain events prompt certain feelings and behaviors. I wanted to change it.
What workded for me was self hypnosis, reprograming myself with positive messages, I got tapes from Dr. Tag Powell, who taught Silva mind control.
I know when I escaped the tower my thinking was wacked.
I know where I got my thinking from the friends, the kingdumb hall and the wactower publicactions.
I was somewhat of a hypocondriac because I thought any ailment was a punishment from God for not attending the meetings and I thought it was wrong to pursue money and riches.
You need to find a healthy view of the way the world and life works. The simplest I can tell you is, there is cause and effect. Dont keep running your head into the wall and expect a different effect.
If you dont like the ride your on ,get off. Or, dont get on before it starts.
A relationship has to be built on something, if its not built on something, it wont last. Castles made of sand slip into the sea. Houses made of brick and cement last.
One of the main components of relationships in America is marriage.
Marriage is an aggreement to share assets and liabilities. If there are no assets and liabilites there is not much of a foundation to sustain the marriage.
It helps if the marriage starts out as lust, that is a basic component you have to be attracted. But to endure you need to share assets and liabilities and hopefully not to many liabilities.
Now if you find you're able to intervene in someone elses relationship as a homebreaker, I would say that relationship was built in the sand. Maybe you like playing in the sand or since you were raised in the tower you dont know how life works.
Since life has no rules or purpose, playing in the sand may be considered perfectly all right.
I think Sig also said sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Before you go to deep down his hole.
Myself, I didnt feel loved as a child, So when I found someone to love me. I wanted to hang on to that. Where you are saying not feeling loved would make you want to be a homebreaker seek unavailable relationships? Are you leaving existing relationships or just looking for more relationships?
The therapy that I've experienced would suggest someone as that has a deffective picker.
To improve your picker go back to the top of my post.
BFD

Saywhat you are one funny young man.
I used to think I was doomed. I was born to a psychotic mother ((shock treatments included, prolly made her a jw at that)) and a philandering alcoholic father. Guess who I take after? Let's just say I've never had shock treatments.
We can change the cycle when we recognize it if we choose to. I totally agree with that.
BFD

Are We Doomed To Repeat Patterns?

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