Here is my story as a Moron.
I was born in the lds church, am in 40's, returned missionary, married in the temple, still active and HATING IT. I w as horribly scarred in primary(youth group) at the age of 5 with a hell fire damnation sermon. For weeks I remember being consumed with fear... knowing I MUST FORCE MYSELF TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO AVOID THE HELL THEY MENTIONED. The brain damage got worse at 7 (grandma died) when I was introduced to the horribly irresponsible and poorly defined subject of becoming a son of perdition. (No forgiveness if you deny the Holy Ghost--cast into outer darkness) I seriously heard voices "denying the Holy Ghost", and scarring the S**T out of me. Had I become a SOP??? I created a desired "righteous self" and a much feared "wicked possibility self". Suicide, and the like, were feared potentialities, not that I wanted it, but it was part of my feared possible wicked self. My mind could never "make the deal" and allow myself to think I was righteous, when logic dictated otherwise.
I have never committed any of the church "biggies", except when I fail to do hometeaching and thereby assuming their blood and sins for three generations. Mission was HELL. I was a workaholic, but could never could become "THE MACHINE" I was told I should be.
I had been too scared to leave the church, even though it was a consistent reminder of what a worm I am. Desperate to find answers, I turned to FARMS (an apologetics group affiliated with BYU). While researching different subjects on hell fire damnation, I come across apologetics for the Book of Abraham, Kinderhook, Zina and think WTF??? I've never heard this before.
For awhile, I tried to justify Zina's, Brigham and Joseph's polyandry with "we are children. God is the adult and can do adult things, like polyandry... or even the conception of Jesus". In the back pages of LDS doctrine, Brigham Young taught that Jesus was concieved by the physical UNION of a presumably married father god and the single girlfriend of a mortal man(Mary). --The very definitions of adultery and fornication. I am glad I wasn't Joseph, Mary's other sex partner. Joseph Smith shared other men's wives. What is it with the name Joseph and wife sharing anyway??? I have no feelings of marital inadequacies, but if I knew my new brides (Mary) last lover was GOD, I think I might just be a little intimidated. Ladies, you know once you have HADA GOD, you can never... (and you JW's thought you had some whacky doctrines)
I then start reading writing from the founders, Jefferson, Franklin and Thomas Paine (blessed be his name). I start to think, maybe the church is not AS TRUE as it has been presented to me. Then an amazing thing happened, I STARTED FEELING LEVELS OF SANITY I HAVE NEVER FELT BEFORE IN MY LIFE. I admitted the possibility that it might not be true.
Anymore when I go to church(with the wife), I look around and think how pathetic it is. The wife is TBM and whenever I bring up church history she SCREAMS "I don't know, I wasn't there, I don't care... the church is true". Strangely, when she blows up about this, she usually comes back within the hour very lovey dovey. I am looking at how to phase out and keep the family intact. I DONT WANT MY POSTERITY TO HAVE THE S**T SCARED OUT OF THEM AS I WAS. I do miss the assurance of an afterlife, validity of eternal families, celestial kingdom, etc. I want them to be true, but can't see how they can be, given the mountain of evidence, and the character of the "revelators" who restored these "truths".
I recently read an article on how organized religion CAUSES insanity. I bear witness that I know that the article is true and that organized religion causes mental illness and I say these things in the name of Thomas Paine, Amen.
"Any system of religion that has anything in it that shocks the mind of a child, cannot be a true system." Thomas Paine, Age of Reason