Hi all,
am a newbie here so please excuse any lack of decorum, just need to vent to people that understand.
a quick rundown: dad was an elder since i was about 3, and from the time i was 5 i wondered why he was so nice to everyone else and an arsehole to his family. dad remained an elder until 'deposed' when i was 13, after which my 17 yr old sister 'lost faith' (although, knowing her, it happened a lot sooner). sis left home, i got seriously depressed and tried to kill myself, after which nothing was ever the same with either my family or the 'truth' (the 'lie' is more like it). still speak to my immediate family, but always feel like there is that infuriating subtext of inferiority!!! nothing i do, am or could be will ever be enough.
i'm now 22 (left at 16) and thought i was dealing with my issues fairly well, until last august. a really close friend of mine, who i grew up with in JWs and who was also in the process of leaving, committed suicide. i went to his 'funeral', which was really a glorified excuse for a CO who had never met him to try and recruit new converts, and completely lost it. his family shunned him as he was leaving, and i'm certain he died because he couldn't deal with the pressure he faced to 'come back to the fold' (but of course, once you've been out, you can never wash the stains off, and you're forever deemed unworthy and inferior!).
so now, i'm pretty much without a family, without my best friend, and completely frustrated by my inability to move past this. i am lucky in that i have a really amazing partner, we've been together nearly 3 years, but we're having issues at the moment too - how does an ex-witness ever have a 'normal' relationship, where you're not constantly fighting subconscious guilt for being with the person you love?
sorry for rambling, not doing so well at the moment.
cheers,
Shadow.