Ok here is my problem.........

by fifi40 24 Replies latest jw friends

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  fifi40

  I just read some of the thread about keeping our kids away from JWs and their teachings.......this is my situation and any helpful advice would be appreciated.........

  I have a 14 year old son. His father and I have not been together since 1999, when I was disfellowshipped. We now share custody. At the time of my disfellowshipping and seperation/divorce I was still heavily under the influence of the JW teachings and I still believed it to be the right religion and the 'truth', so I was happy for my ex husband to continue to take our son to the meetings and basically raise him as a JW. So for the last 7/8 years I have dropped him off with his dad Tuesday and Thursday, his dad would fetch him back to me on a Tuesday night and he would stay with his dad Thursday nights. Weekends we alternate but he always goes to his dad's Saturday night to go to the meeting on Sunday. My ex is remarried now and they are both very serious about the religion, he is a MS and has started giving public talks.....so probably wont be to long before he becomes an elder.

  When my son is at our house (my 2nd husband is a total non beliver) I give him a lot of freedom, compared to other JW children; he is allowed to associate with school friends, they stay over here and I let him stay at their house's sometimes, and in general I am not on his case about stuff such as what he is watching on TV (although I am sensible about it, I wouldnt let him watch 18 movies for example), I let him read and see Harry Potter, although his father was not to happy about this, he goes for Guitar lessons with a cool Guitar teacher who has played in bands, and I dont mind him playing on the computer, he has a character and plays on World of Warcraft a lot (dont know if that is viewed as wrong within the org).......but I hope you are getting the general picture.

  But my son and I do not discuss religion and the JW teachings, or very rarely..............I have kind of maintained the reasoning that he will make his own mind up one day and that he will reach an age where I can reason with him about the JW teachings. I didnt want to add loads of stress and confusion to his life by trying to stop him from attending meetings or trying to explain the 'untruths'. I would have a massive fight on my hands with his father if I wanted to stop him attending meetings now, and I think he would probably, out of loyalty to his dad say he wanted to go. And in truth it is only of the last couple of years and predominantly since I started on this site that I have really become a 'non believer' myself, so I used to think at least he will get saved at Armageddon (Sad I know).

  The thing is where do I go with this..................the other night his dad dropped him off, and rather rudely went up to his bedroom with him. This pissed me off as my ex can be very over familiar and it is the second time he has done it recently, come into my house and gone upstairs without saying do you mind if I nip up with Alex (he is waiting to collect his suit from him).Anyway the other night my 13 year old step daughter was upstairs as well, so I thought , right I have to say something......so I said "Dont you think it is a little rude just wandering upstairs in my house" and he was a little apologetic but then said Alex had asked him to come up and that it was a good job he had because he had Borat (the film) in his room and he wasnt happy about him watching it............WELL I AM. I have watched it myself and whilst there are some rude bits in it, it is hardly offensive and it is a 15 which he is nearly.............

  So this got me thinking about how Alex will one day (and not probably that many years away) be encouraged to get baptised........and all that that entails. Will he still talk to me if he were to get baptised? Would he be encouraged to view me as bad association and to shun me? And what can I do to discourage him from baptism?

  I am pretty good at encouraging him to get a good education and to work hard at school, and have even had major debates with his father about this; and that is working.......he is doing well at school.......but how do I deal with this other side.......the loyalty he has to dad which will make him defend the truth..........the brainwashing he has already been exposed to..........without alienating him?

  What would you all do?
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  ex-nj-jw

  That is a tough one......

  You can't alienate him from his dad, or speak badly about his dad.

  Try to give him the truth about the truth, a little at a time, encourage him to check it for himself, not read what the WTBS gives but to investigate on his own.

  DON'T allow him to get baptized!!!!! If his dad put's on the pressure, tell him that you want him to wait until he is at least out of high school, this will give you some time. Be honest with him, tell him your view on the religion, tell him from your own experiences what this origanization is all about. I think you can do this without bad mouthing his dad. Also make sure he knows what will happen if he gets baptized and then he does something the WTBS considers a sin, how his dad and other JW family and friends will treat him, tell him about the conditional love they show family and friends.

  Also, keep allowing him to have non-JW friends, play sports, be in the band, etc.... The more he is exposed to real life instead of the JW fantasy world the better he will be able to choose. Do not allow his dad beyond your living room. You have to set boundaries, and let your son know that dad is not allowed past this area.

  Hope that helps, I'm sure you will get others input... Just do whatever you have to do to keep your son grounded and not brainwashed!!

  nj
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  LeslieV

  Well as a part of your custodial agreement you really can not do much about his attendance at meetings. I would encourage you, as a child raised with JW family, it is imperative that you give him the other side. Not in a confronational way...that will only make him feel he has to stick up for his JW dad. Give him the other side. Really talk to him as only a mom can. Be honest with him..why you no longer attend yourself.

  At this point it will be up to him, he has basically been raised in it. Keep him involved in sports, the arts, non-JW friends, he does know that he will lose this if he becomes baptized. If you have to, remind him what he will lose.

  EDUCATION is the key to being self-sufficent in this world. Make sure that you work with his school advisor on colleges that he could attend. I took my girls around to local colleges when they were his age, so they would get excited about attending. It was never viewed as Would I go to college, it was always viewed as Where I would go to college. Good luck we are here for you. Don't let guilt take over this, all of us when we first left, felt that the JW's still might have the truth.

  Leslie
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  cyberdyne systems 101

  I am in a similar situation as you although my children are younger. Although its temping to diss the religion, it could make the child very uncomfortable. Really you have to just teach him to keep an open mind, show him as you are an alternative (normal) life style to that one and always be there with good communication, in this way he can see it more from both sides. If an opportunity arises to explain anything, then be ready with facts and logic. Perhaps if the baptism thing rears its head, you can stress the things that JW's tend to avoid discussing, in other words the implications and so on from giving yourself to the WTS.

  CS 101
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  rebel8

  I am not a parent. I can only speak about my personal experience being raised by one jw and one normal parent (dad).
  
  I constantly wished my parents would divorce and I would be allowed to live with my dad. I heard about child custody hearings in court and I had it all worked out that I would ask for permission to talk to the judge alone without my mother, so she couldn't accuse me of betraying jehoopla. I would say my mother is a bad parent and forces me to join a weird religion that makes my life generally sad (and dangerous due to refusal of medical care).
  
  You mentioned you don't pressure your son. IMO that's great....but I do suggest maybe periodically telling him that you have researched religions and have good reasons to conclude that the wts is not God's organization, and you do not want to make him uncomfortable by telling him now, but you'll be happy to discuss it with him when he's 18 if he wants to know. Say your reason for not wanting to discuss the details of your research is because you do not believe putting kids in the middle of conflicts is the right thing to do. (This will probably make him recognize you are much classier than the dubs are.)
  
  Tell him when he's 18 it will be completely up to him to choose his religion. Ask him to consider not getting baptized until he is 18 and tell him even Jesus waited until he is an adult. Tell him you will love him no matter what choice he makes, as long as he is an adult when he makes it.
  
  IMO you saying nothing about religious choice (I'm not sure you aren't, but just in case) is almost an endorsement of jws. jws are indoctrinating your son for hours and hours. Saying nothing could be interpreted as agreement or consent, especially since they claim dfd people "know it's the truth".
  
  My dad opposed in the beginning, then gave up and said nothing. I wished that he would speak up every once in a while, just to give me a tether back to normalcy.
  
  Good luck! :)
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  Open mind

  I don't have your situation, so I'm not going to offer any specific advice as far as the whole shared-parenting thing goes.

  DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO PREVENT HIM GETTING DUNKED B4 18!!!!

  I'm married w/kids and a loyal-dub wife who I'm slowly working on. Anyway, I was having a real downer day a while back and I made this post saying that my pre-teen son views baptism as inevitable. And I was feeling the same way. Many JWDers came to my mental rescue. Here's the thread. A lot of the info may be helpful.

  http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/9/133196/1.ashx

  Wishing you the best,

  Open Mind
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  LovesDubs

  Im firmly of the opinion that if you dont start having conversations with him right now that you will lose him. And since you guys basically "brought him up" as a JW you know his exposure to other ideals and thoughts on religions are slim to none and so his view of it is entirely one sided. He will get baptized and he will have to shun you mom. You cant just sit there and try to avoid hurting somebody's feelings. This isnt about DAD. This isnt dissing DAD. Dad has a right to follow whatever religion he chooses but the key word is CHOICE and nobody can make a life altering decision like being baptized without knowing what the options are and FULLY understanding exactly what he will be committing himself to and the DANGERS of doing so.

  You are his mom first and foremost. It's your job to protect him. You know more about this religion he is affiliated with than he does. Dont you think that if he got baptized and then found this stuff out later himself and wanted then to leave or got disfellowshipped that he would say Mom you knew this all the time and DIDNT TELL ME?

  Just keep emphasizing that this isnt about Dad. Its because you love him and dont want to lose him and that is where he is headed with the JWs. Emphasize too that NOW is the time that he should be doing his research before they can keep him from doing so. He is in the ripe age where they are Im already sure, pressuring him to get baptized and dont think for a minute that that isnt what Dad wants him to do.

  Dont let the shoulda woulda couldas eat you alive in a couple years because you pussy footed around this. Dont end up like the mourning moms on this board who are dying inside because they have lost their babies to the borg honey.

  hugs, LD
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  VanillaMocha73

  I have a similar problem. My son does not go to meetings anymore (he is 12), but his father and his grandmother pressure him to baptize. I am trying to show him the light, but he is so conditioned to be scared of it, that I am afraid to say too much and push him away. Grrr. (My mom wants us to come over so she can give him the new magazines this weekend and thinks he should be going to the meetings.)
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  bebu

  What I would be trying to figure out is how to get him to cross websites like this board, freeminds, reexamine.org/quotes, etc., at the very least. You may make a very small comment about 607 BCE, for example, as a date with a lot of controversy surrounding it. And imply he should research it online. Figure out which words will google the best webpages and suggest them to him. Just 607 bce will bring up a lot of great web pages, for example. Or the UN scandal (google UN Watchtower NGO). He can do all the work himself, without you having to talk too much. Kids are very curious, so give him some bait.

  bebu
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  AK - Jeff

  Wow.

  Nip it in the bud if you can. He is ripe for baptism. And you would likely become the object of his hatred once he connects all the dots and 'makes the Truth his own' as they like to sing.

  How about giving him a copy of Franz' book, and asking him to look at his religion objectively before he gets to the point of committment?

  I wish you well. Whatever tack you take - do it quickly and smoothly, or your son is headed for Jwism sure as hell.

  Jeff