For the kids is it better to stay married and miserable or...?

brunnhilde

...get a divorce and at least have a chance at happiness? My husband and I would NEVER have gotten married if we weren't both in the Borg. Now we're both out and we have nothing in common. We have a seven year old. I get nothing out of this marriage (yes, we've tried counseling) that I need but I don't want to cause lasting damage to my son. I really don't know what to do *sigh* Any ideas? And please, any lurking Dubs, please spare me the WT BS, ok?

Sparkplug

Here is something that helped me make my choice. The children will may know the both of you as the "best you can be" if all they know is the miserable you. How could they possibly be happy and well rounded with that? I had that same question and when I realized that my kids were only getting to know a very miserable person...and they were my kids I brought into the 2nd marriage...I knew I had best end the mess. I had tried WAY too long.

For some of the most impressionable years all they had seen me was a very unhappy person who took way more than I should have and I had to sit back and wonder what did that do as an example for my girls especially.?

Decki

under_believer

Decki,

Thanks for responding to that post. I always appreciate your insight.

Realizing that every situation is different, and taking everything with a grain of salt, how did you decide that it was time to call it quits? At what point did you go from "maybe I can salvage this" to "I need out for the sake of my kids (and myself?)"

I ask because I'm in a similar situation to the one you describe and the one that brunnhilde opened the thread with, and I'm wracking my brain trying to figure out what to do and if/when to do it.

Of course my situation is a bit different in that my wife is still a (fairly) faithful JW.

Bumble Bee

HHmm, tough question. Kids are alot smarter than we give them credit for. They know if you are unhappy, they can sense if their parents don't love each other. I know - I had a peptic ulcer from stress by the time I was 8 - the fighting just was too much for me.

If you think you and your husband will be happier people apart, and can be better parents, then that is a good thing, for you and your son.

I feel for you, it's a really tough decision to make. I'm in a similar situation - when do you decide it's enough? My husband and I don't have children, and the decision is still a hard one to come to grips with.

BB

Sparkplug

Well this last time my older children came to me and told me that they knew what I was doing and that they would not be mentally scarred if I did not stay in this marriage. That they would be happy to see it end. The only one they were worried about was the youngest and well, pretty much she was young and they were in their young minds sure that she would get over it...seeing shw was so young and able to heal. They mentioned how messed up she would be if she had years of his influence....

That is all I needed to see was my kids coming to me and saying, "Mom, wake up!"

gcc2k

It's tough. I'm in a similar yet different boat.
I'm out, she's in, and I'm not sure if I want to stay together.
Heck, I don't know what to do either.

Everything I've read indicates that clearly, how well your kids do in a divorce depends on how well the parents get along.
No fighting, no namecalling, etc.

But, would kids do better with divorced but happy parents vs married, unhappy parents? Unclear.
It's also unclear if you will be happier when you're divorced.

Couples therapy helps, but it's not a magic pill. Consider individual therapy as well if you can afford it.

wanderlustguy

If you stay and be miserable, that's what they learn to do.

WLG

J-ex-W

brunnhilde----------- Honey, if you're married and miserable, your kid is married and miserable.

Take it from someone who agonized over this very question for years F-A-R T-O-O L-O-N-G..........and the kids suffered MORE as a result of it...........................

I don't mean to sound a pessimist alarm.....I just know what went on in my case, and all the faulty reasons that kept me and the kids stuck and miserable, for the sake of supposedly making things easier on them.

((((((((((((((( brunhilde )))))))))))))))))

J-ex-W

If you stay and be miserable, that's what they learn to do.

Wanderlustguy has it. It's what I watched my mom do. It's what I learned to do. I regret not ending the connection/ misery years sooner.............................................

lonelysheep

Hugs, sweetie! I could have written your post and can understand how heavy this is weighing on you.

I NEVER would have married my husband if I wasn't a brainwashed zombie 6 years ago!!!! (yes, I have small kids, too) I have been in a shotty mood ever since!!! My life is a living hell every single day. Divorce will be the start of my life as ME.

Life is TOO short to spend it being miserable!!

Here's to a great 2007-2008.

For the kids is it better to stay married and miserable or...?

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