Divorced: Ex & Kids JW's, Me Born Again, WHAT DO I DO ABOUT MY KIDS

by esw1966 5 Replies latest social family

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  esw1966

  Hi! First time here. My story is at http://spaces.msn.com/esw1966 if you are at all curious.

  My question is what should I do about my kids. I had been a JW for 30 years, got disfellowshipped, checked things out and found my JW beliefs deficient. Now I am born again and having the time of my life. I would like that for my kids, but I taught them to be good JW's.

  I moved to Washington State in my spiritual journey. My kids live in Wisconsin. I am thinking of moving closer to them to develop a relationship with them and trying to help them to see things as they are. They don't want anything to do with that. I'm even willing to not even make religion an issue as I feel it should not be, but in the end I think it is all about religion with them and me.

  Moving will cost me PLENTY! I'm getting very reluctant as I do not feel they really want to see me. They want to go out in service and live thier life. I will be an interference to that.

  What is my responsibility to my kids? I am here for them. I think I have a wonderful truth to share with them. I am here to be their dad. I am disfellowshipped and basically an apostate to them and they really don't want much to do with all of that. I see my ex and them through her dragging their feet to obtain any meaningful relationship. It's been nuts to say the least.

  I am trying to decide if I should move closer to them or to stay in Washington. This is the best place for me personally. It has become my paradise and my place of growth. My experiences in Wisconsin do not even make me want to be in the state.

  I have looked on this as being good for the kids. I was also hopeful to set a positive example to them to help them to be able to get out of being a JW. I am worried that once I get there it will not go well and my move and sacrifice will be for naught.

  What should I do for my kids sake? What have others experienced in this matter? My kids sit next to the Circuit Overseer at the assembly. They are entrenched! They are 13, 11, 8 and all girls. What is the best thing that I can do for THEM?

  Any comments would be helpful. Thanks.

  Ethan
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  outnfree

  I think children need both parents, even after the parents have divorced, as long as neither parent is abusive, addicted or mentally ill. Given the ages of your girls, I think you should move close to them and let them know that they are the most important people in your life. That even though you left them for a little while, you love them more than life and you will never be far from them again until they're grown up. (I am actually praying that this is how you really feel, because they'll see through it if you don't mean it.)

  What's the custody situation? Do you have visitation? I fully realize that religious issues are going to be a terrible impediment to your relationship with the children. They are going to be told that you're part of Satan's world, that you're going to die at Armageddon, that you're "bad association" and that you've "left Jehovah." It will be up to you to let them see BY YOUR ACTIONS that you are just a loving, caring human being who is their Daddy and who thinks the world of them NO MATTER WHAT.

  What you do have on your side is the headship principle, which means that they will have to respect your right to teach them your religion in turn. You might want to skip a family Bible study, but still pray before meals and at bedtime for the time being. Since you are a born-again Christian, I suppose you will eventually want them to accompany you to church. But, please remember how much this might freak them out -- I remember it being weird as an adult to go to one of "Christendom's" services, and my daughter was totally put off by the crosses as I recall. However, because most churches have fun and wholesome youth activities, you might want to bring them to picnics and dramas and such, so they can see for themselves that there is more than one way to worship "acceptably." Please remember, too, that "born-again" can be a quite-rigid place to be coming from in its turn, so imitating the God that is Love might be the most important thing.

  out
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  serendipity

  
  Hi Ethan & Welcome!

  Kids need a father in their lives. It's hard to maintain a relationship from a great distance. It may be a sacrifice to move, but the kids are worth it. It may also take some time for the kids to warm up to you, especially if you've been away for awhile. Your older ones are in adolescence and are moving toward independence. They may act like they don't want you around, but they secretly do. Any visits with the kids should be fun and enjoyable and focus on the activities they want to do, with very little lecturing. (I'm speaking from experience with my daughter & her father- which provided examples of "how not to parent". If you want more details, feel free to pm me.)

  I think it's wise to be as civil as possible with the ex, and not criticize her or the religion, especially not to the kids. It creates an internal conflict and they feel they have to choose sides. It's unfair to do that to them.

  The kids may ask why you aren't a JW, and a simple answer is all that's needed, preferably one backed up with scriptures. At some point,I do think that you can pray with the kids and I'd even suggest reading the Bible together - especially the New Testament - and ask them questions rather than preach. I'd ask them first if they're comfortable with that though. Helping them to fully appreciate Jesus and the concept of grace would be a great gift to them and will offset the WT indoctrination of salvation through works. Since you're still a Christian, pray about it and see what you're moved to do. Also, if you haven't already, consider getting some books on child development and parenting in a divorce situation. The teen years are tough - for the teen & the parent. So try not to get frustrated and give up. The kids will thank you later in life.
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  esw1966

  Thank you for your response!

  The custody issue is going through mediation which will resume this Friday. I am seeking every other weekend and every other week in the summer. I would like them every other holiday.

  Yes, for your security, I DO love my children with all my heart. Also, my being born again just means that I have accepted Jesus as my Savior and that I follow His plan for me. I LOVE being non-judgmental for the first time in my life and meeting people where they are at! When I see rules in religion I start to see legalism and I stay FAR AWAY from that nowadays!

  I can use any help though so thank you for your suggestions!
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  caligirl

  How can you have every other weekend and every other week in the summer from such a distance? Take it from someone who pays the airfares for a long distance commute for a child- it is extremely expensive, and you would be doing it for 3 of them between Washington and Wisconsin?
  
  I think in your case being close by would be a benefit, especially if you want to have any kind of influence at all over their upbringing, which you have to have to be able to teach them to think. You can't have a great influence from a distance over the daily indoctrination they are facing.
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  jwfacts

  Welcome. I think that the only way you will be sucessful is to make sure religion is not part of your relationship. Otherwise I imagine they will shun you. Try to just be a normal loving Dad. If each time they see you religion becomes an issue you risk loosing all of that. Before you move make sure that they will visit you otherwise you sound better off where you are.

  JWs feel strongly they are true, Born Agains usually think so too. Many on this board would rate BAs fairly high on the high control religious stakes as well. I am not saying it is not right for you, but it just shows that people will never agree on a single correct religion. In the long run you have to let your daugthers work it out for themselves.