My daughter has to call her 'mum'

by katiekitten 28 Replies latest jw friends

  • Victorian sky
    Victorian sky

    Katie, (((Hugs)))), I'm so sorry you're going through all this drama. Terrible that your ex is putting your daughter in this position. How dare he. You have every right to be mad. I had a step mother, an absolute witch (I called her by her first name, my dad didn't have a death wish, my mom would've knocked him out if he tried to make me call his new wife anything) Trust me, whether the step is nice or not, your daughter knows exactly who she is and who she is not. Nobody can replace mama. And you sound like a really good one. Just a word of warning, It does sound as if your ex is going to try for sole custody, he may try to get you to lose control emotionally so that he can say, See -she's hysterical, she's an unfit parent, ect. So don't give him the satisfaction of losing your temper with him. Seems, that's what he wants. Is he a JW? Do lawyers do pro bono work in the U.K? If so, get one quick. All the very best, Love V Sky

  • katiekitten
    katiekitten

    Thanks for all your advice, much of which is on the lines I was thinking.

    Blondie, its so useful to hear from someone in a related position. I didnt want to tell her not to call her step mum 'mum' because I felt that it was not fair to issue her with a set of rules she had to follow at his house, as she has already been given rules by him about what she is not allowed to do at my house. I dont want her turning round when she is an adult and saying "it was all about YOU. You just used me to get at dad".

    I am aware of some kids who call their step parents mum or dad, and I think it is lovely if it is their choice. But She has told me that she thinks she would get told off if she didnt. I think that is out of order. Im not dead. I havent abandoned her..

    It sounds stupid, but I feel like a lover who had just found out her partner calls another woman darling. Every time my daughter calls me mum, I think 'she calls HER that too'. Sigh.

  • blondie
    blondie

    katiekitten, she is only 4, right? I don't think children are looking at things intellectually but emotionally. It is so hard to be in separate homes, trying to make 2 people happy who don't love each other any more. It can spill over on the child...my parents used me to hurt each other. It took awhile for me to get old enough to see that and stop playing the game.

    Can you get counseling for you and her...not that you are "wrong" just to get outside source that can be more objective?

    Blondie

  • TresHappy
    TresHappy

    That is quite common amongst ex's, although my step child calls me by my first name, he has called me Mom on occasion.

  • Abaddon
    Abaddon

    My understanding of UK law (I'm divorced, although I now live in the UK I am a British citizen and my ex and children live there so I have had cause to do the research) is that;

    • With regard to her calling her step-mother mum, that is simply a battle not worth fighting unless it is for your kid (she objecting to it strongly but being forced to). If it is because you don't want another women being called that, then take a deep breath and live with it as it is impossible to fight. I can understand this being a bitter pill, but I'd rather be hinest than set youup to fight a losing battle.
    • A parent has the right to take the children out of the country; technically the other parent should give permission but this cannot be unreasonably witheld.
    • To be more help in this respect I'd need to know the provisions of your divorce settlement with regard to your daughter; what are the visitation rights et. al. you are afforded? PM me if you want, I'd be happy to help.
    • The passport belongs to you if you paid for it.
    • "He stood and videoed me saying this" - Never let this happen again. It's not normal for him to do it or for you to let him do it.
    • "I am going to refuse to fight for the passport. Among the reasons is that I dont have the money to fight it with solicitors."

    First of all if you can prove the passport is yours, simply tell him unless it is given to you on your next visit you will involve the police as he is stealing something you paid for. Call the police and ask how they can help. If he tries any bull about you not being trustworthy, tell him if he has concerns he should take action through the Family Court, such as a Prohibited Steps Order, to address those concerns, as if he does things of his own inituative then it won't look good in court if he takes the law into his own hands.

    • Do some research; the Family Court process needn't involve solicitors and costs a few hundred pounds to go through; you can simply send him a letter by registered mail saying unless he does x and y (these being in line with law, your rights, and the divorce settlement, like return the passport and not interfere with a normal family holiday) you will get either a Contact Order or a Prohibited Steps order from the Family Court. If he is still a Dubbie then you can get Medival on his ass; you would be given a Prohibited Steps order preventing him forbiding non-blood treatment quite easily.

    I'd be delighted to help in anyway I can - like I say, PM me.

  • delilah
    delilah

    Katie...I'm sending you lots of hugs....Sorry you are having a rough go of it. My brother also had the same problems with his ex, she didn't want to give my nephews passports back. My brother's lawyer sent one letter to her lawyer, and he got it back, pronto. After all, my brother had paid for them so they belonged to him. End of problem there. However, my brother makes sure that his lawyer sends her lawyer a letter of intent, when he wants to take the boys out of country, because he knows the ex would definitely have him charged with abduction, if he didn't.( She's a real piece of work, and calls herself a good JW?) She even went so far as to tell the boys repeatedly, that their father was going to die at armageddon, so they needn't bother going to visit him anymore. That's when the fat really hit the fire!!! The ex also insisted my nephews call her new hubby, DAD, but they refused. I don't know about England, but here in Canada, they have what they call, LEGAL AID, for those who cannot afford a high end lawyer. Good luck honey, and don't sweat the small stuff. You're daughter knows who her MUM is, never forget that. It is just a word after all. You are mum, in her heart of hearts!!!Hugs.

  • diamondblue1974
    diamondblue1974
  • Do some research; the Family Court process needn't involve solicitors and costs a few hundred pounds to go through; you can simply send him a letter by registered mail saying unless he does x and y (these being in line with law, your rights, and the divorce settlement, like return the passport and not interfere with a normal family holiday) you will get either a Contact Order or a Prohibited Steps order from the Family Court. If he is still a Dubbie then you can get Medival on his ass; you would be given a Prohibited Steps order preventing him forbiding non-blood treatment quite easily.

    • Excellent advice Abbaddon.

    I was about to give some pointers about prohibited steps orders and some guidance on how the process can be followed without the intervention of Solicitors or Barristers.

    A prohibited steps order is entirely negative in that it says predominantly what a parent cannot do; it is possible if you believe that it is in the best interests of your daughter (and more persuasively if your daughter being 'Gillick' competent agrees) force your ex partner not to force your daughter into calling her step mother 'mum'. Your argument could be amongst others that his demands are calculated to undermine your role within your daughters life, cause confusion and ill feeling and that his demands are preparatory in respect of shunning you as her parent. (if he is still a dub). Abbadon is right in that you can push for a PSO to prevent him from consenting to bloodless treatment, in fact I think there is some caselaw on this very issue but will need to check. (Family Law isnt my forte I am afraid). You can also ask for a PSO preventing him taking her to meetings on the days when he has contact.

    There are also specific issue orders obtainable from the family court which set out orders about must be done and carried out by the parties involved; again these are issued in consideration of what is in the best interests of the child and in accordance with her needs and wishes (given that she is at an age of competence). For the sake of a few hundred pounds you can even the balance or even tip it in your favour as her resident carer.

    The family courts are rather informal by their nature and can be used to a devastating effect with the right information and support...you pay your taxes...use the system to your own benefit.

    Obtain some advice also from CAFCASS

    http://www.cafcass.org/ who usually are of some help and assistance in these circumstances.

    In the meantime however I would not do anything that plays into his hands and reinforces his points about you being 'irrational' or whatever term he intends to rely. If you need anything more contact me...you have my email address.

    DB74

    PS:

    The statutory reference for Prohibited Steps Orders and Specific Issue Orders are under s.8 Children Act 1989

    For more information about how the courts determine what is in the best interests of a child you might (as a legal eagle yourself) refer yourself to s.1(3) Children Act 1989.

    Some interesting texts on Family Law are as follows:-

    Cretney S M, (et al) Principles of Family Law (7th Ed) London: Sweet & Maxwell 2003 (In particular pp 19.011)

    Herring, J Family Law (2nd Ed) London: Pearson Longman, 2004 (In particular p 422)

  • diamondblue1974
    diamondblue1974

    Other sources of reference and points of advice from a non family lawyer lawyer lol:-

    http://www.direct.gov.uk/Parents/fs/en

    http://www.divorceaid.co.uk/legal/HELP/child.htm

    I also had another thought too...he stole your daughters passport; he is the one that has broken the law and as such you should suggest that he is the one which is likely to take abduct her and take her abroad otherwise why steal it? why not simply obtain a prohibited steps order himself and seek the appropriate channels?

    Hope you find something that assists.

    DB74

  • KW13
    KW13

    i ain't qualified to offer any sort of advise but i just wanted to say, that i'm sorry about your present situation and that i hope you find a solution.

  • Dr Jekyll
    Dr Jekyll

    Ok here's what it says on page 3 of my British passport.

    7 Caution This passport remains the property of Her Majesty's Government in the United Kingdom and may be withdrawn at anytime. It should not be tampered with or passed to an unauthorised person. Any case of loss or destruction should be immediately reported to the local police and to the nearest British passport issuing authority (eg Office of the united kingdom passport agency: British consulate: British Embassy or British high commission): Only after exhaustive enquiries can a replacement be issued in such circumstances. Blah blah blah

    This Site may also be of help: http://www.passport.gov.uk/passport_replacing_what.asp

    My Partner (A social worker) informs me that this is just a police matter and that all you have to do is report it as stolen. As long as you have custody of the child it is your right to hold the child's passport and this could be seen by a court of law as proof that he intends to take the child out of the country unlawfully.

    Whatever the circumstances you have to report the passport as stolen.

    I say dob the bastard in to the police !

    Matt

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