14 years later- still a wreck! What's up with me!

doffy

The Listener said on an earlier post

You've been out for awhile, perhaps your insight will help some of us who are still in the exiting process

Which was a lovely thing to say, and made me feel 'valued' (thanks Listener!)

But, you know, 14 years on, and there are times, when I feel like I just left.

I took the children to the pictures yesterday (to see 'Wallace & Grommit')
After I had parked the car, I saw my mum pull up with my (JW) brother's 2 kids.
I really panicked.
As a side note, my parents have had NOTHING to do with me for years except when my (non JW) brother went to stay with them when he was very ill, and I went to see him at their house earlier this year.
They only want to see my children WITHOUT me. I have said they are welcome at my house, and I will take the children to their house, but, no, they only want to see them 'alone'. Which means they haven't seen them for nearly 3 years (I think).

I thought of turning on my heel and going home, but then I thought 'No!', why should I change my plans and spoil things for my children?
I was swearing under my breath.
So, I got to the desk to pay as quick as I could, and she was at the desk next to me.
I think it's safe to say that we BOTH pretended not to see each other, and neither one of us caught the others eye, or spoke.
I went to get the popcorn, and then went into the 'screen'.
My son told me where she was sitting, so I knew which way not to look!
We were sat right at the back, and she was about 4 rows in front.
I told the children they could go and speak to her if they wanted to. They didn't want to.
After the film finished, I told the children to wait till the credits had rolled (which we normally do anyway- sad - lol)
BUT my mum was messing about, and it got to the point where the last 2 people were leaving the 'screen', and we would have been alone *yikes*,
so we made a dash for it!
I mean, we didn't run, we just walked 'quickly'.
I didn't look back- it was like 'Lots Wife' lol
But I really felt like a nervous wreck. I don't like feeling like that, and I don't like my kids seeing me like that either.
So now I feel annoyed at myself.
Why do I still give her the Power?
What could I have done differently (taking into account my kids were there, and my brothers kids were there)
I mean, I'm just never 'prepared' to see her when I'm out, and it always gets me in a state.
The last time I saw her was in my local shopping centre, and I couldn't get out quick enough!
I know I need to get a grip.
Help! (be gentle with me though please)

AlanB

I know exactly how you feel.... I have been out for over 10 years now and in my everyday life have really moved on. Sometimes though you are faced with a situation that really throws you. Its like your whole past is thrown back at you.

The simple fact is that you have moved on and lead a relatively normal life. The way the Witnesses treat you is NOT normal and yet having been like that, having that mind set ourselves it is scary.

The best way I can deal with it is to hold your head up, its them that are not normal, they are just blinded to it.

A

under74

Nothing abnormal in what you just stated. I left when my mom did...I was around 15 or 16. I'm 31 and only came to this site last year. I thought for a long time that I was over it even though I had some personal problems. Then when a JW family member got DFd and started trying to track down me and my siblings....it all came like a flood. I knew before that some of the problems I was having stemmed from being raised a JW but it took a while to really face it.

Look, it takes a lot too finally get through it. Don't beat yourself up because of what happened. You have to go day by day. You told your kids they could approach her if they wanted to and that's good...next time just do the same but act like you own whatever place you're in.

garybuss

I think a sentence looks best with a period at the end.

Lehaa

Yeah, kinda know how you feel.

I go along fine, even at times forget I was ever a witness, (big thing to say since I was born in and was a witness for 30 years, only been out for 18 months), till oi bump into a witness at the shops ans i get the look. you know that scowl they give you, like you're a murderer or something. Just makes me feel weird and guilty for some reason.

Seems like the brain washing still has'nt worn off.

Must be so much harder for you, it being you're mother and all.

All I can say is you're children are a credit to you, realisig what a hypocrite you're mother is ans choosing to stand by you.

Good for them.

Hang in there, we all know what you're going through.

GentlyFeral

Doffy, welcome to the board. Hadn't seen you before.

First of all, as everybody has said, be gentle with yourself. This is a gradual process; if you were raised a witness, you may actually have to build yourself – what Steve Hassan calls the "non-cult personality" – from scratch.

I thought of turning on my heel and going home, but then I thought 'No!', why should I change my plans and spoil things for my children?

Excellent! Keep on doing this!

All you need to do, for situations like this, is remember that you have freedom of association; they do not. And why? because they hve given that freedom away to someone else. You, however, can take it back.

gently feral

Hellrider

I don`t think you did anything "wrong" in that situation, and I can`t think of any other way you could, or should have behaved. What if you had gone up to her and talked to her, and she had turned away? That would have made you feel very low. It`s just as well that you didn`t, and just walked away. And even if you interpret your "hasty walk" as "running away", she might just as well have interpreted it differently, like that you walked away in anger over her behaviour, or something like that. Maybe she feels deep down that her behaviour hasn`t been apropriate. Just leave them alone to live in their lie. And your children are yours, not theirs, and you have no obligation to let her have contact with them at all. They are the ones shunning you, remember, not the other way around! And never "go home", as you put it. You are not the one that did anything wrong in this!

Lady Lee

Well I would say that externally you handled it well. The last thing you need is a scene between you and your mother in front of all the kids and in public.

But handling it it externally is one thing. The issue comes more down to what is happening internally. From what you said it sounds like the situation triggered a lot of fear. It might be helpful to zero in on what the fear is. Be as specific as you can be about what unnerves you regarding the situation. Once you identify the feelings that arise you can develop a coping strategy to stop it or control it.

For example:

If it triggers those old feelings of being labeled as "bad" then you can address the whole issue of whether you really are a "bad" person or is that the way you have been labeled by a controling organization. Once you look at your life and the kind of person you are and have been since you left the WTS then you have the beginnings of a strategy. YOU are not bad. They just want your family to believe you are. The WTS also holds the bnoose around your family's neck so that if they do acknowledge you the noose gets tighter.

This should make you angry. Your family is being held hostage. Now I agree they are going along with it and she does have choices but fear keeps her neck in the noose. You can however learn to work with your anger.

This article might help if you identify this as part of what happens for you.

Using your anger to make positive changes http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/53831/1.ashx

It could also trigger feelings of loss and grief or maybe just the fear of having a scene in public.

Over the last few years I have had to deal with both my nother and my ex-husband (both still JWs). I have decided to use my anger in a positive way to have an attitude that keeps me emotionally in charge. I am not the horrible person that the WTS wants my mother to think I am. I know she will act as if I am invisible. Well I can play that game too. She won't get the chance toshun me. I control the incident. The way I think helps me control my feelings. Yes I still get angry but not nearly as much as I used to.

Mysterious

I still feel that way when I see JWs publicly. The only problem is that since I was never baptised they do not see me as anything more than a stumbled kid that drifted away to do my own thing. So they try to strike up some buddy buddy conversation. One woman worked the same job i had over the summer. In 18 years she said maybe 5 words to me but she treated me like we were old friends asking about my family, including my father who has been inactive for a couple decades.

A few simply pretend not to see me, but this is a relief since I really do not want to talk to them. I suppose it is different with family. But I never felt I had any ties to these people and resented having to act friendly to them on the basis of religion alone.

I dont think you did anything wrong necessarily and I do agree you should not have made a scene. But as far as not looking at her in the theater I think you need to ask yourself what it is you fear. If it is the feelings you do not wish to address that are raised then perhaps it is time to extend your comfort zone just a little and begin dealing with these. I get the impression from you title that you wish you had made more progress. Perhaps what you are doing is sheltering yourself from the emotions you have felt it was too painful to deal with and it might be time to start workng beyond them slowly so that events such as seeing JWs in public is no longer triggering for you any more than seeing an old friend from high school that you no longer have ties with is.

*hugs*

blondie

This is my resolve if I encounter my family unexpectedly. I will wave and smile but keep walking. (I have encountered them and done this very thing; but then I am not DA'd or DF'd---yet)

14 years later- still a wreck! What's up with me!

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