What's long, Scouse, and goes around corners? The Dole queue.
Why is the Anfield grass so green? Because every week they put millions of pounds of sh!t on it.
Why did Gerard Houllier go to Argos? It's the only place he could pick up Premier Points.
What do you say to a Scouser with a job? Big Mac please.
Why does the river Mersey run through Liverpool? Because if it walked it would be mugged.
Man walks into a shop in Liverpool:
Man: Can I have a pair of tights for my wife?
Shop assistant: Certainly Sir, what size head are you?
What do you call a Scouser in a suit? The accused.
What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed semi? A burglar.
What's the difference between a Scouser and a coconut? One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut.
If you see a Scouser on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him? It might be your bike.
What's the difference between a Scouser and a broken clock? Even a clock is right twice a day!
Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty Scousers showed up.
Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven's door, Saint Peter said
he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him
to admit the ten most virtuous from the group. A few minutes later, Saint
Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone." "What All of the
Scousers are gone?" asked God. "No" replied Saint Peter "The Pearly Gates!"
A man was walking down a street in the centre of Manchester and saw a
Rotweiler attacking an old lady. He immediately ran over to the dog and
started to struggle in which he sustained many bites, but he eventually he
got his hands around the dog's neck and strangled it until it was dead. A
passing reporter commented: that was fantastic how you saved that
old dears life!, I have to write a story about this, how about the
headline - Manchester United fan saves granny's life?, "I'm not a Utd fan"
replied the bloke. "well how about Man City fan saves granny's life"? said
the reporter. "I'm not a City fan either" said our hero, " I'm from
Liverpool". "Never mind I know just the headline, you read the paper
tomorrow" said the reporter. The man picks up the paper the following day to
read the headline - SCOUSE B*STARD KILLS FAMILY PET!!
One day, Paul Ince is being chauffeured home in Cheshire, when his driver
swerves to avoid a pot hole and hits a strange looking beast on the side of
the road, killing it instantly. On inspection of the creature, neither the
driver nor Ince knew what the animal was, but it was wearing a collar. All
the collar read was "THE TWAT" with an owners address. When they arrive at
their destination, Ince suggests to the driver that he should go back to the
farm house and apologize for the accident and offer to pay for the damages.
Three hours later, the driver returns, with all his clothes torn, holding a
bottle of wine in one hand, a Cuban cigar in the other, and swaying left to
right as he walked. "What happened?" asks Ince. "Well," said the driver,
"when I told him, the farmer gave me this bottle, his wife gave me this
cigar,and the his beautiful 19 year old daughter made passionate love to
me!" "Bloody hell" said Ince "What exactly did you tell them?" "I said, Hi,
I'm Paul Ince's driver and I just killed the TWAT!"
Two Scousers have just nicked a car and are checking it over to make sure
that everything works before they use it to ram raid the off-licence. One
gets into the drivers seat and asks the other if the indicators work, to
which his mate replies "Yes, it's working...oh sh1t, it's stopped...no, it's
OK...stopped again...