Posts by Dawn2011

35

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by Dawn2011 in

i've been visiting this forum for quite awhile now, reading as much as i can about others in situations similar to mine.

i've learned alot but i think i am ready to share and will really appreciate whatever advice/thoughts anyone has to offer.. i'm a "wordly" gal (non-demoninational christian) and have been dating a jw for a year.

he has been a witness for about 34 yrs but has been inactive the past two due to the way he and his ex were treated when she was df'd for cheating/alcoholism.

Dawn2011

I'm truly grateful for all of the responses...when I first posted I didn't know what my "question" was. Dgp, I very much appreciate what you wrote...it made me think about what I'm really seeking here. In a nutshell, I hoped to hear different perspectives about my specific situation and I most definitely did!

At some point I will need to make a choice, if he doesn't first. Stay or go...converting is not an option for me because it would be manipulative of me to do so since it would be a lie. I spent my early years as a classic codependent, doing just about whatever it took to make my s.o.'s happy and losing myself in the process. Never again. I know that I'll be fine if this relationship doesn't last and after some grieving and adjusting I'll pick myself up again. But I love him and do hope that it will be possible to make it work.

Jean-Luc, I love your analogy to the borg!!! You gave me some things to consider, for sure.

Gotta get to bed now, I'll be checking in tomorrow. Thanks again everyone!

35

untitled

by Dawn2011 in

i've been visiting this forum for quite awhile now, reading as much as i can about others in situations similar to mine.

i've learned alot but i think i am ready to share and will really appreciate whatever advice/thoughts anyone has to offer.. i'm a "wordly" gal (non-demoninational christian) and have been dating a jw for a year.

he has been a witness for about 34 yrs but has been inactive the past two due to the way he and his ex were treated when she was df'd for cheating/alcoholism.

Dawn2011

Thank you Loz, I appreciate your advice and warm welcome. I've noticed that the book is mentioned many times here and I think it would probably be helpful if I read it...perhaps I could get a better grasp of the hold that the WT has on members. What do you think?

I wrestle with the idea of trying to help free him for my sake, but you struck a chord when you suggested that this would be for his benefit. And as you point out Chris (thanks very much for your help!), this would probably scare him off. Maybe if I think of it from an unselfish point of view I can get the courage to at least plant a seed of doubt and stop worrying about how this would impact me.

Regarding his doubts...now that I think about it, his doubts are really just about the organization as opposed to the beliefs/doctrine. This hadn't occurred to me before! Reminds me of my own situation; I became disenfranchised with traditional Christian churches...I tried many different denominations and became very frustrated about the hypocrisy I saw amongst church members and leaders. I'm finally at peace with my path, which does not include involvement in a church. (a side note...it's hard for me to remember that the WT IS a Christian denomination; I can't imagine Christ shunning someone when they beg for forgiveness though)

When he and his ex confessed her adultery and alcoholism to church leaders/council or whatever they're called, they were treated harshly. She was very remorseful and they both begged for help...instead, she was DF'd. As he told me, for years he had been one of the people that took part in deciding to disfellowship members and, after this experience, he was ashamed at how his actions hurt others.

He was also asked to step down from a leadership position after this by people he considered his friends...he still feels bitter.

35

untitled

by Dawn2011 in

i've been visiting this forum for quite awhile now, reading as much as i can about others in situations similar to mine.

i've learned alot but i think i am ready to share and will really appreciate whatever advice/thoughts anyone has to offer.. i'm a "wordly" gal (non-demoninational christian) and have been dating a jw for a year.

he has been a witness for about 34 yrs but has been inactive the past two due to the way he and his ex were treated when she was df'd for cheating/alcoholism.

Dawn2011

I've been visiting this forum for quite awhile now, reading as much as I can about others in situations similar to mine. I've learned alot but I think I am ready to share and will really appreciate whatever advice/thoughts anyone has to offer.

I'm a "wordly" gal (non-demoninational Christian) and have been dating a JW for a year. He has been a witness for about 34 yrs but has been inactive the past two due to the way he and his ex were treated when she was DF'd for cheating/alcoholism. Other than door-to-door witnessing, I didn't have a clue about the religion when we met.

He told me on our first date that he was a JW; he asked me out again and within a couple of months we fell in love. He talked frequently about marriage and long-term plans for us. During this time I read everything I could find about the WT org and after I started asking him more questions he finally said he never should have went out with me in the first place due to the "rules". Wow, this hurt to hear...but he was right of course.

He is on the fence about whether or not he wants to become active again. He doesn't want to leave the church because he would lose the amazing relationship he has with his daughter/grandkids. I would never ask him to leave, and on the flip side I have told him that I will never become a member because of the multitudes of rules and conditions involved.

I LOVE him, and have become very attached to his grandkids. He loves me as well, I have no doubt about it...he demonstrates this in his actions every time I'm with him. But my heart literally aches because I know I will never be all he wants in a mate, especially if he chooses to be active ...I won't be at services with him, witnessing, conferences, etc etc. He stopped talking about marriage long ago due to his ambivalence about this.

I asked him why he would be with me if he believes I will not survive armegeddon. He said he doesn't know. ??????

After reviewing what I've written here it seems obvious that I should break up with him...I did try once but we couldn't stop crying for days and he swept me off my feet again. I guess I'm looking for different perspectives. I feel so confused. I don't intend to wait for years...but I'm also in no hurry to marry after a couple of terrible past relationships.

Help?