To Broken Promises - I totally agree that what happened was very scandalous and I by no means am belittling the pain that we caused by our actions. Maybe I don't talk about the guilt that we feel enough on this board. We fully acknowledge our guilt and that's a big reason why both of us allowed our exes to have the upper hand but looking back it might have been the worst thing we could do.
And just to clarify - my ex and I had been separated and living apart for two years before I got involved with my present husband. The kids had adjusted to us being apart and were comfortably living 50% of the time with both of us. I know that doesn't make the whole adultery thing less wrong from a congregation point of view and it definitely put his family through hell, but I just wanted to be clear about that.
To Mamalove - I know the way we handled things was far less than ideal. It was very difficult to figure out what to do. The one thing we didn't want to do is sneak around and lie about what was going on and carry on an affair for months or years. Once my husband told his ex what had happened the situation was like a runaway train. I'm telling you from the moment she found out until she forced him to face the kids and tell them he had committed adultery was a matter of 10 minutes. Everything spiralled from there. Looking back I think there must have been a better way to approach the situation. In an ideal world, we would have done the "right" thing and never committed adultery to begin with. But like you said, we cannot change the past.
And finally, to Mad Sweeney - We really could care less about getting any so-called JW friends back. It's only the kids and possibly my family at this point (although the latter is becoming less and less attractive as time passes).
Oh and my husband is here! He is a lurker and I told him it's time to come out of the shadows! He is right with me on this journey of discovery. We are both very shaken by what we are learning. It's to the point that we can't even pray right now because we don't even know what to say. Shaking off the shackles that have controlled us for our entire lives is going to be a long process. I really have to pace myself because it is really quite painful. I already went to see my therapist and talked all of this through with him and I am going to be seeing a lot more of him over the next months. He is the one who helped me to overcome a lot of my black and white, judgmental thinking and see the shades of grey. That has been immensely helpful to me.
In addition I have two 'worldly' friends who have known me for years. My one friend knows me from way back in my first marriage and she has seen the hell we went through being trapped in a loveless marriage. She actually did a lot of research on JWs and is just so relieved that I am finally seeing the truth. Then my other friend is someone who was in an 18 year relationship with an ex-JW who left the religion because he is gay. He has also been so supportive and fully understands what has happened and supports me fully. They have never wavered in their love.