@ brotherdan.
Excuse my newness. What is a PM?
i've been in pain too long.
i have this whole entry i want to post but i don't know if it is too long to read.
i'll post it in parts.
@ brotherdan.
Excuse my newness. What is a PM?
i've been in pain too long.
i have this whole entry i want to post but i don't know if it is too long to read.
i'll post it in parts.
@ notverylikely.
Thanks. I know I have been making myself sick and my body can't take it anymore. I don't like the feeling. Its too draining and very unhealthy. I basically got to a point two months ago, I said STOP! That's when I was like no more BS. I have to make up my mind and stick to it and be strong.
I always think of situations to tell the elders in case they call, 'oh I been depressed. I haven't been doing to well.'
But I'm like NO. I'm happy. I feel happier. And its not just becasue of my BF. I really feel no pressure these last few months. If feels like when the sun is burning off the gloomy fog that's been around all morning. everything is so bright and so clear!
Yet it is strange feeling because I'm not supposed to feel happy without being a witness. Only witnesses are truely happy.
(AHHHHH!!! What a mind f*ck)
i've been in pain too long.
i have this whole entry i want to post but i don't know if it is too long to read.
i'll post it in parts.
@ Yknot. No.
Honestly as I look back at my life I don't think I have ever been whole-hearted and soul devoted. I admit, I never even read a whole magazine cover to cover. (I just look at the pictures. LOL) Our family studies were hit and miss, and I always said I preferred to study on my own. I just did the leesons to get the jist and went to meeteings because it was a routine. I never dugg deeper. I had at times been a little more zealous and aux pioneered, but I never have been full throttle.
I do consider myself a spiritual person, but I feel like I'm out growing being a witness. the quote notverylikely posted by
Oliver Wendell Holmes, " The mind, once expanded to the dimensions of larger ideas, never returns to its original size."
I think that is true. that is what learning is about. That includes any subject in life.
I'm at a cross roads but I know I wanna take the forbidden path. Like Neo, I have the choice of two pills. Just gotta do it.
i've been in pain too long.
i have this whole entry i want to post but i don't know if it is too long to read.
i'll post it in parts.
Thank you everyone for your replies so far. I was up all night. I keep thinking someone I know from my hall is going to find this post and tell on me. I realy leftout so much detail in my post, just thinking 'oh no. Someone I know is going to stumble upon this and recognize my storyright of the bat."
Iknow for sure I don't want to go to the elders for anything. I just want to fade away. only a few ppl will notice.
I really can't stand that feeling of being in fear, but its so embedded in me. I told my brother that and he said that it will take some time to get over the mind control thing of having to tell on yourself or thinking someone is constanly watching you. I guess it will take some time.
I keep thining"i'm going to end up all alone. No friends. Even think once I'm gone, even my bf is going to leave me and the joke will be on me because I stepped out on the truth and its all just a ploy and snare by satan and I fell in. and now I have nothing or no one.
And that's the thing. I have some really cool and down to earth girl friends. All of us have a less than perfect jw life story.
One of friend's went through a really hard time. Basically she (a reg pinoneer t the time) got pregnant by douche-bag dude she was dating. He was already known as a player and is really good at twisiting words and lying. Well, she got df'd and he only got publically reproved. I was so mad. his dad was on the JC and he lied his ass off about everything. He shows up to all the gatherings all happy and care-free. By the time my friend had her baby he was already dating another girl.She gets reinstated in by the time the baby is born and is 1 month old, so like 10months later.
My friend wants to work things out and marry him for the baby's sake. And he's lying to her saying 'sure ok.' but by the time the baby is one, the dude dumped the girl he was dating when my friend was knocked up and alone, and runs off and marries another dumb chick. My good friend has basically gone thourgh a mental breakdown twice now. I'm tooting my own horn and I will admit I have been a really good friend to her and supported her alot. If anything, I'm afraid of causing her pain and not being able to help her out if I'm df'd.
That's one thing that has held me back from completely walking away. I have too many personal ties to people I love and care about. This has been my life my whole life.
On the flip-side I know I can't live for ppl and what they think I should do. its just hard to break away. And I really don't want to go to the elders again and tell them anything.
I bust into tears all the time. I get headaches and so sick to my stomach. My bf said no religion should cause someone so much pain. I agree.
thank you everyone. I feel bad because, this support feels like an answer to my prayers, but that shouldn't sound right, huh? LOL
i've been in pain too long.
i have this whole entry i want to post but i don't know if it is too long to read.
i'll post it in parts.
Well...somethings went to far a few months ago, but not as far as fornication. This happened before we were together and I told him I had to go to my elders. I had such a confused outlook. Here is a guy who is everything I want! I really shunned him and stopped talking to him. I basically told him, I can’t talk to him cuz he is not a wintess. I didn’t know at the time, but I really hurt him. He said he was even willing to start coming to the meeting just based off of previous conversations I had with him. But when I left him dry, he was crushed.
I went to the elders. Cause that is what you are supposed to do. There is this one brother who I kind of could talk to, so I went to him. He seemed to have a concern for me and said I could always talk to him. So I said I needed to speak with him. I told him about the guy and the few things that happened. I was ambused!! Basically they threatened me. They asked me all these questions about intimate details. Asked about stuff we did, had I climaxed? What did I do to him? I was hurt, because really, I coming asking for advise and some type of something! I felt so dirty after the whole thing. It was reallymy first encounter with a guy on a moreintimate level. I frecked out and fled, but they made it seem so yucky. Then when they got in touch with my mom, they nearly went off on her! I was shell socked. But needless to say I stopped all contact with him. Yet I just haven’t felt like it was something I wanted to do. I have always tried to look at ppl for who they are. That what we preach. We aren’t judges. Only god judges people. They made him out to be this diabolical person. And they never even met him.
That’s not the only thing that has been bothering me. A lot of org stuff too. For example, I don’t like the new DVD we got this year. Its creepy. This summer has been so stressful! I’m going to stop here. I need sleep.
Honeslty, I just need someone to listen. There is still so much I haven’t even began to talk about. I’m with my bf now. I just could not distance myself. I’ve never felt loved like this is. Maybe I’m wrong. I don’t know. I’m just confused, but seeing lots of stuff for what it is. I don't want to live in fear anymore.
thank you, anyone, for reading.
i've been in pain too long.
i have this whole entry i want to post but i don't know if it is too long to read.
i'll post it in parts.
So here comes my bf. He is awesome! HE IS WORLDLY!!
I have never had a bf. All the JW guys I have liked were the types that are proved liars and manipulators. The guys have always made it seem like the girls aren’t good enough. Doesn’t matter if you are a pioneer or just a regular publisher. They play these mind games to make girls chase them and fight amongst the females for a little bit of the guy’s attention. I have never been able to go along with that. In fact I lost a very good friend. I liked a guy, told her, and she swooped in and got him.
I've known my bf for years, but I never knew he liked me. We went to school together. As he tells it, I was a withdrawn shy girl who always sat it the corner of class. (why he liked me, I don't know.) he said he always tried to talk to me but I would ignore him. We became reacquainted last year.
There is something about him is comforting and willing to listen to me and hear me and not judge or jump to conclusions and right off the bat tell me I'm going to be destroyed blah blah blah. I didn’t trust him at first. Honestly, he was everything I ever prayed for in a mate, but he is worldly. He has such a strong sense of family and cares for his parents and siblings. That’s what draws me the most to him. But again he is worldly.
i've been in pain too long.
i have this whole entry i want to post but i don't know if it is too long to read.
i'll post it in parts.
Now that's the thing. I never really trusted any brothers or elders. As far I know, they are men who put on fronts. I have trust issues and I know that is from things from my dad and my messed up relationship with him. Plus we were never really taken in under anyone’s wing as far as “orphaned children“. I never cared too much, because I don’t to feel like a charity case. Yet, I was mad when my brother was going the path he was and no one even bothered to step in and help. They would though always ask ME how he was doing, but never once called or did a shepherding call on him. I’d be at the meetings all the time, but I never really got taken in as well. I have always tried to be a good Shulammite and be good, turn the other cheek and forgive but I never have felt good enough.
i've been in pain too long.
i have this whole entry i want to post but i don't know if it is too long to read.
i'll post it in parts.
But now, I have a boyfriend. He's not a JW. Typical story.
To myself on the surface it feels like such a cop out to give up everything I know for a guy. But this is the thing. I have been having questions and doubts for a long time. The non Jw bf was just the final straw that broke the camels back By the time I was 12, my older brother was already on his own discovery of Christianity. He basically got reproved and and has been inactive for years now.
The thing was, I was so angry at my brother for causing our already lil broken up family even more shame. He says he has discovered on his own that Jesus is a made up man, no such thing, and the Devil is not real. he been telling me for years that JWs are farce and only in BUSINESS for the money. He's into all types of mytholoical stuff and practices things that I don't even care to try to understand. Yet, I still love him and talk to him because he is my brother, ya know.
Anyone would say that being around him is not spiritually healthy. And yes i agree. My mom and I have gotten into blown out arguments with him and still after it all we still have love for one another despite our different beliefs.
Now for my mom, she fragile. very withdrawn from the congregation socially, but very zealous. She was abused as a child. She married my dad to get out my grandfather's house cuz he was -and still is mentally- abusive; even once he became a JW. She barely came out the marriage sane and then got involved in misconduct looking for something from someONE and she herself was df'd as well, but came back really fast. (all this happened by the time I was 10)
So between her self-inflicted antics as remaining single and serving the lord and my brother's rants and rave, my head is on over load. I've been scared and scarred for years. I believe in Jehovah. but the stuff that has happened to my family because of remaining faithful, sticking to God's standards, applying the fruits of the spirit, suppressing emotions of depression and anger, it is painful and has been very painful to live.
I tried of being tried. I don't like trying to put a smile on my face at the hall to look ok, even though I am so mad. I don't like be afraid to express the real me.
i've been in pain too long.
i have this whole entry i want to post but i don't know if it is too long to read.
i'll post it in parts.
I don't even know where to begin. Well first off, I'm brand spankin new to the site. I found it last week and felt like FINALLY, I feel ok to post something online (ON THE INTERNET) and maybe just maybe someone will understand. I really haven't had too many ppl to talk to about what I've been feeling, changing my mind about, and angry over.
I was raised as a JW. I'm at such a cross roads right now. I haven't gone to the meetings in awhile, but I really haven't felt in engaged at the meetings since the beginning of the year. The thing is I'm in a special language group anyway, so I really don't understand. LOL
I didn't have the typical cookie-cutter JW family. By the time I was born, my dad was df'd and my parents were divorced when i was 3. So I have had contact with a df'd person all my life. And really I have always had a soft spot for ppl who are df'd and completely shunned. My mom moved my older bro and I in my with grandparents and it was my grandmother was, and still is, a faithful and loyal servent. My early memories are field service, RVs, and lunch breaks at Wendy's.My g-pa was in the miltary but later became a JW. most of my family are not JW. Just a few aunts and uncles scattered over the country. Out of younger generation I am the only one that really stuck to the truth.
i've been in pain too long.
i have this whole entry i want to post but i don't know if it is too long to read.
i'll post it in parts.
I've been in pain too long. I have this whole entry I want to post but I don't know if it is too long to read. I'll post it in parts. I've been writing and I didn't know how much I have had locked away and yet there is so much more I want and need to express.