Posts by WinterFalcon

32

Words to Live By - What are Yours?

by pettygrudger in

jw
friends

in trying to deal with the everyday realities of our existence, we usually pick "catch phrases" or principles with which we use to try & guide our life, growth & development.

in my case, the #1 thing that i try to live by is to take what is mine & own it.

yep, i didn't have the best circumstances growing up, and had some pretty crappy things that happened to me as a child.

WinterFalcon

Something I read somewhere stuck with me.

Take No Sh*t, Make No Excuses.

30

Hello

by WinterFalcon in

this is my first post here and i guess because it's going to be a doozy i felt i should introduce myself first.

i am a non jw, 40 yrs old, divorced/remarried/widowed mother of 3 children the oldest two who are out of the house (in college).

i have just recently joined after lurking for a while.

WinterFalcon

I mean, I have been celibate for 7 years. Prior to that the longest I went without sex with my husband was 4 days (after the birth of our son). I can out horny you any day of the week!!!

30

Hello

by WinterFalcon in

this is my first post here and i guess because it's going to be a doozy i felt i should introduce myself first.

i am a non jw, 40 yrs old, divorced/remarried/widowed mother of 3 children the oldest two who are out of the house (in college).

i have just recently joined after lurking for a while.

I guess that suggestion that I feel guilty for abandoning him is pretty close to the truth. I thought about it all night, and it's really close to the mark. He's a good person deep down, who's got some serious issues that I can't help out with. He's going through some very difficult times right now. I spoke to the 'mutual friend' of ours last night as well, and I gather that JJ is very, very depressed.

His affair with this woman is an off again, on again, thing I think. I know that is difficult in normal life, but I am beginning to see that for a JW it's a whole different story. He's young, and has lived his whole life in a small town in the midwest, raised by very devout JW's, lives at home, and from the little he's told me, it seems like he wants to move away, but as he put it "obligations keep me here, no matter what I may want". This mutual friend told me that really most of JJ's connection to the outside world is the internet. He's done things like gone to visit this mutual friend before and stayed for a couple of weeks, but I was told he did little while he was there, hardly leaving the house spending most of his time on the computer.
This married woman he's been seeing, I was told, was using him/is using him to get out of her own marriage, yet she wants JJ to be the one to take care of her now. She has a child with her husband, and like I said, she's 28 and JJ is only 19. He works part time, and lives at home with his parents. She is the first girlfriend for him, the one he lost his virginity too, and he's always been quiet, shy and withdrawn.
So my friend told me that JJ was going through hell, as he was being shunned, and was wanting what he wanted, but also wanted to keep his family happy, and now there is some kind of dispute between families going on?????

I don't know. I don't understand what he is going through, and it sounds like it must be living hell for anyone to be going through this. I don't understand a lot of the behaviours and belief's. I guess I feel like I am letting him down by not being there for him, even though it was pretty much a one was street thing. Maybe I am a product of my age, and how I was brought up.
I don't think I would be capable of being a good JW or friend to one, if what I am reading/hearing is true, because I am not able to 'toe the line' like it seems they expect. I would have a hard time accepting a lot and keeping my mouth shut. LOL, I am pretty vocal when I am passionate about something. I don't mind going toe to toe with someone, and I would hate to do that with someone I considered a friend.
I enjoy life too much for that type of belief system. I take pleasure in things, and see the wonder and joy mother nature provides every single day. I know that my time on this planet is very, very limited, and I want to make the most of the experience.
I do know that I've told everyone I know, that no matter what happens in your life you need to make the very most of every single day, make yourself happy first and foremost because if you can't make yourself happy then how can you do that same for anyone else?, and lastly live for the day. My husband was killed very unexpectedly nearly 7 years ago. He left for work in the morning, kissed me goodbye and that was the last time I saw him alive. He was only 25 yrs old. Live and enjoy each day like it could be your last because if very well could be. Don't put off doing things saying...well, I'll do it later, do it NOW. Tell those you care about how you feel, instead of "getting around to it". Just be happy.

I am glad I found this place.

Oh and Stefanie ~ No need to warn me about Jared & his horniness, the smart money is giving him the warning about me!

30

Hello

by WinterFalcon in

this is my first post here and i guess because it's going to be a doozy i felt i should introduce myself first.

i am a non jw, 40 yrs old, divorced/remarried/widowed mother of 3 children the oldest two who are out of the house (in college).

i have just recently joined after lurking for a while.

WinterFalcon

WOW! Everyone has been so nice. Thank you all so much for your advice. Let me say that I do have a normal healthy life. I belong to a gym, am in a walking group here where I live, go out regularly with other friends, I do have a job (part time, outside the home, as well as the fact I am working on a book on my *own* time, lol ), am an avid reader and have never really had much desire to date. I have nothing against it, I am not avoiding it, and if I should happen to find someone to share my life with, that is wonderful and I will embrace it, but if I don't, then I am okay with that as well. I've just never actively gone out "looking for a man".

I am beginning to see a pattern here with your responses. LOL, I guess my friendship is over. That saddens me in so far as I don't like losing a friend, but I guess he wasn't as much a friend to me as I was to him. I do try, despite everything to give everyone a second chance with me. I know that people make mistakes, and I know surely that I am far from perfect, so for me, I will bend over backwards to make something work. I am not foolish enough to keep doing that (well with my children maybe). Live and Learn.

30

Hello

by WinterFalcon in

this is my first post here and i guess because it's going to be a doozy i felt i should introduce myself first.

i am a non jw, 40 yrs old, divorced/remarried/widowed mother of 3 children the oldest two who are out of the house (in college).

i have just recently joined after lurking for a while.

WinterFalcon

Jared ~ LOL, thanks for the welcome. You are correct, my situation is weird. It seems that is to be the theme of my life here on this planet. LOL, it's okay though, I don't mind having an interesting albeit difficult life, as it keeps me on my toes.

As for my carnal desires, and your thinking you can satisfy me, well, maybe I'll pm you for details sometime!

30

Hello

by WinterFalcon in

this is my first post here and i guess because it's going to be a doozy i felt i should introduce myself first.

i am a non jw, 40 yrs old, divorced/remarried/widowed mother of 3 children the oldest two who are out of the house (in college).

i have just recently joined after lurking for a while.

WinterFalcon

Hi everyone. Thanks so much for all the answers. I do need to clarify some things. I am not hoping for any kind of relationship with JJ, other than friendship. I was a little nuts there thinking he was attracted to me, but I do understand that he isn't. That's okay with me. I would like to still be his friend. We have been talking and developing a friendship for many many months, and it was only within the last couple of weeks that I found out about his being a JW, and about his affair. Our mutual friend told me that JJ was very embarrassed and uncomfortable about his situation and that is most likely why he didn't tell me about it.

It's not my place to judge him for the affair. Yes, I think it's wrong, and yes, I would prefer it if he were not behaving in such a manner, but I would still like for us to have a friendship, if that is at all possible. I know so very little about JW's and their beliefs. It's hard to just take everything you read and process it, as it can go from wild hate directed towards the JW's and their beliefs to the exact opposite.

I know that I should hold more disdain for him and his treatment of me, but I've always felt that it's when things are the worst is when your friends need you to stand by them the most. Am I wrong or just plain foolish to feel this way? That is one of the reasons I wanted to ask for help, since I don't know if it's even possible for he and I to maintain a decent friendship as I don't know anything really about the JW belief's and how they deal or are taught to deal with others. I know that I don't want to give up on a friend without giving it my best to make the friendship work, and I don't want to ever look back and say ..."gee, I wish I had tried"... or "if only I'd stuck it out"....you go that extra mile for a friend.

30

Hello

by WinterFalcon in

this is my first post here and i guess because it's going to be a doozy i felt i should introduce myself first.

i am a non jw, 40 yrs old, divorced/remarried/widowed mother of 3 children the oldest two who are out of the house (in college).

i have just recently joined after lurking for a while.

WinterFalcon

Thank you for the welcome.

30

Hello

by WinterFalcon in

this is my first post here and i guess because it's going to be a doozy i felt i should introduce myself first.

i am a non jw, 40 yrs old, divorced/remarried/widowed mother of 3 children the oldest two who are out of the house (in college).

i have just recently joined after lurking for a while.

WinterFalcon

This is my first post here and I guess because it's going to be a doozy I felt I should introduce myself first. I am a non JW, 40 yrs old, divorced/remarried/widowed mother of 3 children the oldest two who are out of the house (in college).
I have just recently joined after lurking for a while. I felt guilty at the idea of joining for such a selfish purpose, so I browsed through a lot of the older threads and posts seeing if my questions might have already been answered through your previous discussions here. Quite honestly I did not and really I did not expect to as this is a pretty unique problem. LOL. I hope you don't mind. I am having a problem and quite honestly I don't know where else to turn for help or answers to my questions. As you can see it's quite long, but I really did try to keep it brief while still giving you the basic details to help explain my problem.

I met a young man (whom I first thought to be 25 +/- from his picture, only to find out later he was just turned 19) online through a friend of mine, when a mutual friend of ours passed away, who I developed an online relationship with (friendship only) that started to develop into a very good friendship. I'll call him JJ.
We chatted a lot, laughed, shared interest in photoshop, music, general things like that. He flirted with me quite a bit at first, we were both posting on the same chat forum and he started hitting on me, which at first I took serious, but then when I asked him, he admitted he was only flirting, it wasn't serious, that he wasn't interested in me in any way other than good friends, he had no interest i pursuing women right now, and that even if he wanted to develop a different kind of interest in me he couldn't because his situation didn't allow it.
I accepted, and we agreed to continue on as friends, with the flirty stuff still going on for fun.

Well, as time passed we grew closer, chatting every day on the instant messenger, and it was all good, but several things happened that made me wonder if maybe things weren't changing between us. (Now he didn't discuss much of his personal life with me, just telling me he was shy about stuff like that, and didn't really feel comfortable talking about himself and his life..which our mutual friend did confirm he'd always been like that) It's not like we ever really ran out of things to talk about, and I figured I'd be patient and when he felt he could trust me, he'd open up, and until then, it would be fine to just talk about anything and everything else.
I have been a widow for about 7 years and had only gone out on one date which ended very badly after the date was over. JJ told me I needed to get out so I did, met a guy and agreed to go out to lunch with him, but it was a flop and I felt no attraction or any interest in this guy whatsoever. When I got home there was JJ waiting for me on the IM to find out what had happened and when I told him it was no good, I wasn't going to see the guy again his reaction was "good, I'm glad". Hmmmm, when I asked him why he replied "I just am" and wouldn't say anymore.
Other things along the way made me wonder as well, like we were talking about relationships and how you did things for each other to make the other happy, and he said to me...."you know when you love someone, you do things for them that you know will make them happy, like when I send you those wallpapers and the music, its because I know it will make you happy"......curious, but it made me feel good inside, and I blushed.

He would send me these most romantic love songs, ask me to turn on my webcam so he could watch me listen to it, so he could see my reaction, and then he would ask me over and over again if I liked it or not, and when of course I'd say yes, he's just respond with "good" and that would be that.
Now this kind of stuff went on for a couple of months, and then I was involved in some weather danger and he kept me on the Instant messenger (stayed with me) throught the danger, and even once went so far as to get all freaked out when he got bumped offline thinking it was me and when he re-emerged online told me that I needed give him my cell # again (he already had it from a while back) so if something happened and I went offline and then he didn't hear from me for a while he could try calling me. It was really very sweet.
That is JJ...sweet. Kind, caring, a smartass, intelligent, handsome like you would not believe..fun to talk to, and he's JW. I did not know that for a long time. He never told me. I found out through our mutual friend who was surprised I didn't know.
Anyhow, JJ had been going through some tough times, and wouldn't share what the problem was, only that it was bad, wasn't going to improve anytime soon, but made me promise to trust in him that it would all work out in time. He would just say it was complicated, he couldn't really explain it, and to trust him. I did. Things continued on, with him talking to me more and more until it was daily...hours on end sometimes, several times aday.

I thought he felt something more for me. I let myself believe it. Foolish.
I found out through this mutual friend exactly what was going on with my friend JJ, all the crap he wouldn't tell me about, that was causing him pain and turmoil, keeping him from doing the things he wanted to do (that is kinda how he put it). I was anxious to find out. LOL, sometimes I wished I hadn't. How complicated it really was.

He was still living at home, in a small small town, most of whom are JW's, and the family is DEEPLY RELIGIOUS! Well, it seems that all this time, my friend JJ had been having an affair with his best friends wife. It was supposedly over with, but that he was socially ostracized, and was dealing with a lot of stuff. But as it turns out JJ is not done with this girl, (I don't know if she is still married or divorced or on the way to divorced) but he wants to marry her. I was told she is 28 yrs old and is manipulating the heck out of JJ, and everyone dislikes her, but is upset and angry with him for his behavior as what he did is "bad, bad, bad in Jehovah's eyes" At first I gather he went and repented, but has since then started seeing this girl again, and her parents are now sneaking the two of them together.
When I found out I was crushed. It was foolish of me to even consider the possibility of a relationship between us due to the age difference (not to mention distance, he lives over 1,000 miles away from myself) but I was crushed because when we talked of dating and sex he told me that he was a virgin, and had never had a girlfriend or anything like that (which I thought was so sweet)...now I find out that he's been lying to me all the time. Well, I should say that is the only real outright lie he's told, with everything thing else I have to admit that rather than lie, he just skirted the truth and kept me onto other topics if he didn't want to tell me something.
I was so hurt that I told him of my feelings for him, to which he responded that he had no idea I felt that way, and that he didn't realize he was giving me signals to suggest anything other than just friends, and had he known he'd have put a stop to it right away, and now...now to top it off, he doens't talkel to me hardly at all, even after telling me that he still felt the same as before ..he wasn't interested in being anything more than friends (which I do want) and that he had no interest in a relationship with a woman and that his circumstances don't allow it. He still wanted to be friends with me, and that was it. I told him about things that I felt he'd done that kinda crossed the line, but he said that he never meant to give me the impression that he was interested in me, and that I was misreading things...so was I ? I didn't know anymore.

Help!!! LOL! I know I know. I want to be his friend. I am all over my little emo episode (I think it was other things along with loneliness and the fact that I have been celibate since my husband passed away 7 yrs ago, and this is a HOT young man, lol) I dont' understand what he is going through as a JW and with all this mess with the wife of the best friend (lol, he still doesn't know I know about it, as I wanted to see if he'll come clean with me).
Can he and I be friends? Will that cause a problem for him because he is a JW? What is he going through as a young JW man who has had a sexual relationship with a married women, the wife of his best friend none the less. He is continuing this relationship despite knowing the potential consequences, and is struggling on what he is going to do, but from what I was told he is leaning towards marrying her as that is what she wants (this is his first g/friend, the one who took his virginity, and I gather he is head over heels for her).
With him hardly speaking to me anymore I am just at a loss. I don't know what to do. I miss my friend a lot. I don't know if we can be the same kind of friends again, but if we can/are, then I want to do what I can to understand what his life is like.
What can I do? What should I expect? Anything would be helpful at this point. I am very sorry for the length of this, but I did try to condense it down as much as possible and still cover the basics.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and for any advice you may have for me, as well as any answers you have to my numerous questions.

WF