Posts by AngelofEventide

26

How do you help them understand?

by Sassy in

i have posted as each step of my exiting has brought new stresses into my life.

you have all been awesome in your support.

i know i still have a ways to go but many of the hardest steps have been undertaken... and i have an interview for a new job, so my working with a guy who is a jw, might be taken out of my environment so i can go somewhere that is not only closer to home (short commute) but also no one will know i was ever a jw.

AngelofEventide

Sassy,

Thanks so much. That would be great. BTW, how do you send a pm?

AofE

26

How do you help them understand?

by Sassy in

i have posted as each step of my exiting has brought new stresses into my life.

you have all been awesome in your support.

i know i still have a ways to go but many of the hardest steps have been undertaken... and i have an interview for a new job, so my working with a guy who is a jw, might be taken out of my environment so i can go somewhere that is not only closer to home (short commute) but also no one will know i was ever a jw.

AngelofEventide

Sassy,

I am relatively new to this board. I posted tw topics above yours - the girl whose ex is a JW and he just broke up with me, etc. I have learned a lot since being here. I am still learning and trying to understand what happened. I am not angry with my ex, because I know that he is a victim of the system and having been in it for so long (since the age of 8), he cannot but help be brainwashed. All I can do now and have been doing non-stop is praying for him. I am moving on with my life and no matter what happens in the future, I will always only want the best for him, and for him to be enlightened to see the truth.

I agree with the others about counselling. As to how to find a good counselor experienced in such matters, I do believe that the psyhologists must be registered with their equivilent of the American Medical Association. If you can find out what that is, call them up and ask for a referral for someone who specializes in cult therapy. That would be my best suggestion for you. I am trying to understand all the terminology here. I'm assuming DAing is like disappearing all together? Sassy, if I may ask, what woke you up? Has it been bothering you for a long time or did you just come to your senses one day? I ask because I'm trying to understand how one comes to that decision, since it is such a huge thing to decide about, and also because looking back, I'm trying to read the signs of my ex's change in personality, if like one poster said to me, "he may be having doubts about his faith, is going through a spiritual crisis of sorts because he may realize deep down that the JW way of life has been one giant lie," or something like that. This all blindsided me as far as him breaking it off with me and though most here have said just be glad he did you this favor, it is still someone I loved and was going to marry and have a family with. It does not go away over night and the love may never go away. All I am doing now, besides living my life, is praying for his deliverence.

I wish you the best of luck Sassy and it is obvious that you have a wonderful support system here. Have faith and know that you will make it through this and come out a better person.

AofE

27

Please help! Non Witness needs advice as to what went wrong w/Witness ex

by AngelofEventide in

hi everyone, i am new to this site.

this whole last week has been sheer torture for me and i am trying to understand what happened.

i have been dating a witness for a little over two months now.

AngelofEventide

I appreciate all your responses. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed right now and am going to take a breather. I'm very grateful, but I'm still very emotional through all this. I do understand your concerns for me and I promise you I have no intention of ever converting. I miss him deeply and continue to pray for his awakening into truth, despite my absence in his life now.

27

Please help! Non Witness needs advice as to what went wrong w/Witness ex

by AngelofEventide in

hi everyone, i am new to this site.

this whole last week has been sheer torture for me and i am trying to understand what happened.

i have been dating a witness for a little over two months now.

AngelofEventide

Elsewhere,

His life is falling apart around him. A couple of examples. His marriage has been for crap for that last 6 or more years. She left him to have at least an emotional affair with a man in jail - in jail for conspiracy to murder his wife. My ex is livid and feels totally betrayed by her. When they went to the first proceeding for the divorce, the judge put a restraining order against her from seeing this guy until the youngest child turns 18, which is 15 years from now. While my ex is relieved about this, his ego is still crushed over her wanting to be with him in the first place and that fact that the person she turned out being is like 180 degrees different than the person he married. Some of the stories I have heard and the picture evidence (the photos he used in court to back up his stories), were totally unreal and I don't blame him for wanting to be with someone else. #2, he is on the verge of losing his house, since he was laid off two months ago with a bunch of other employees and she is not helping to pay the mortgage. #3, she had tried to turn his children against him through I'm sure the uses of guilt and fear and it is only recently that the kids admitted this to him and now have turned back towards him in love. #4, he has now pushed away the one person in his life who has loved him unconditionally through all of this, who has been his rock, his love, his strength, his purpose for getting through all this, the woman who, regardless of what others think or say here, he had planned on spending the rest of his life with and who I know he loved - me. His love for me was not false or rebounded and I think that is another reason why he is feeling so tortured, because he did/does love me deeply and yet he is getting pressure and/or is starting to see the light and is having a hard time accepting. All I can do at this point is pray fervently for his healing and that God's will be done.

Elsewhere, in your experience, when they start to weaken like this, is that is what in fact is happening, do you feel that they can be helped, be it by me or someone else? Is it more of a sign that they are ready to leave, despite fighting the guilt?

27

Please help! Non Witness needs advice as to what went wrong w/Witness ex

by AngelofEventide in

hi everyone, i am new to this site.

this whole last week has been sheer torture for me and i am trying to understand what happened.

i have been dating a witness for a little over two months now.

AngelofEventide

He did say that the elders/faith do not condone marrying outside the faith. He said they told them (perhaps they were the ones lying to him to try to get him to stay) that he would not be excommunicated, but like I said earlier, would have to start all over again and work his way up standing wise in the faith.

As to how we met, we met through a dating service. I had been spending a lot of time in the state he lives in (I have several friends in that state), trying to get a job up there, as I have had long term goals in trying to move there long before I met him. I joined the service for his region/state since I figured I would be up there soon and there was no sense in starting a relationship with somone in the state I was living in, since I planned on moving from to his state. We saw each others' profiles and went from there. I realize we were both not exactly prudent and I realize that now. I don't need to be chastized. I'm simply at this point trying to help out another fellow human being and now that I know the truth, that doesn't mean I care about him any less. I still love him, that is not going to go away over night. Yes, we won't be together, but I still have the desire to awaken him to the truth, be it behind the scenes through prayer, or some way else. I just don't know how that is yet.

27

Please help! Non Witness needs advice as to what went wrong w/Witness ex

by AngelofEventide in

hi everyone, i am new to this site.

this whole last week has been sheer torture for me and i am trying to understand what happened.

i have been dating a witness for a little over two months now.

AngelofEventide

Thanks everyone for replying. I feel like I should clarify a few things up front. I am in no way considering becoming a witness, so I have already run and run fast, as most have put it.

As far as ex goes, if I even tried to show him any material he would never look at it. I tried this this last weekend when we were at a book store and I saw a book written by a former member on her abuse from their "cult" and how she was urging all still in it to get out as soon as they could. I asked him, sort of to see his reaction, why would someone purposely write such a horrible book, if absolutely none of it were true. He gave me some weak answer saying something like she didn't get out of it what she wanted, so she wanted to scare peopled and make it a bad experience for anyone else. He said he's read several of those books before to see what they said and that they were all BS! What's so amazing to me is, he is such an open-minded far reaching person in his normal every day thoughts in so many ways. When I comes to the JW however, they can do no wrong.

As far as the attendence issue goes, he can't go to the hall in person because there is something there that causes him great allergies, so he usually calls in a on phone-in line and listens. When I was there last weekend, he did not call in, and instead sat down and wrote to his kids. I asked him wasn't he going to call in and listen to him meeting? And he said writing to his kids was more important. This was a bit surprising to me, because of all that I have heard about their devotion to the meetings. I have started putting a lot of things together, his recent behavior, their upcoming April 4 celebration and wonder now if his recent behavior, if any of it was intentional. No don't worry, even if he was trying to save me indirectly from joining his religion, I am not going to run to him or anything. He made a comment when he was breaking up with me when he said how our beliefs are too different, a comment that was very unwitness like since they are supposed to do everything in their power to try to convert you and he said that he was trying to save us a lifetime of pain now, that he knows that I would come to resent him down the road and he me, since I could never adhere to their beliefs and practices and that he didn't want us to end up hating each other.

The freedom to remarry thing, he did mention that. He went to the elders and asked them what their views were on marrying a non-witness. They said that they would not prefer it, but that I would be welcome to attend with him and I would not be judged. He would not be excommunicated, but that he would have to start back at square one and work his way up in the faith again. Huh?! For marrying someone of a different faith? That is not God's will. But I could tell that they were trying to dissuade him at all costs since they were trying to force him through guilt to stay in this marriage at all costs, despite the conditions he was living in. He has been miserable for the last 6 years of the marriage. As far as what was I thinking dating a married man? I have never done that and as naive as it may sound, at first he presented himself as single and then when he told me he was going through a divorce, I questioned him extensively as to where he was in his life emotionally with all this. He had been legally separated when we met for 6 months and had started dating again. He was getting ready to file, was moving on his life, had no feelings for her and hadn't for a long time and she beat him to the punch. It was so odd because he was so completely ready to sign the papers and everything, at least he was convinced of that in his own mind and when he analyzed "us" he never felt it was a rebound thing. Neither did I and had I thought even remotely that it was a rebound thing, I would have never let it progress. Yes, we were intimate and I suppose if the elders ever found out that would be grounds for him to be excommunicated. We talked a long time about this before acting on it, because I did not want to get him in trouble. But he said he felt because his soon to be ex already sinned in her mind, leaving him for another man who is in prison no less (he is going to be paroled soon), that was grounds for him to be free to move on, because she had been unfaithful even in her heart. Now he says he is not sure if she was truly unfaithful in her heart and if she was just saying she was to hurt him. I think he is in severe denial from all that he has told me about her and like you all said, he is feeling the pressure and/or guilt from the elders. And he's probably feeling guilty now for being intimate with me, despite being in love with me. Whenever he mentioned trying to make it work with her, 99% of the time it was "for the kids' sake". Now I realize maybe all along it was because of the fear of being completely excommunicated and his children shunning him. That would kill him as his kids are everything to him.

He has told me that his way of thinking about the faith is considered "liberal" to most witnesses, that he does not adhere 100% to some of their beliefs. Like I mentioned above, he is very opened minded about most things and maybe this open-mindedness has, whether he realizes it or not, shined a tiny bit of light of question or doubt, if in fact he does not adhere 100%. His whole thing is, even if he were not a witness, it would not matter because all he or anyone has to do is follow the scriptures and he believes God's law states clearly what is right and wrong. The whole blood issue he claims is in the bible, though I've never heard of it being in there and he says it states clearly that it is God's law that you do not taint your body with anyone else blood. I have not looked for this law in my bible yet, but I have a feeling it is just in "their" bible. Why then, if it is SUCH an important law, would it never be touched on in other religions, even in movies like the Passion of the Christ or other religious works I've read and such, to name a few resources that have been used to get out important issues such as the 10 Commandments and other "laws". If the media is such a huge venue for spreading the word, why don't non-witness religions speak of it? I'm sure I can guess why.

So I don't really think there is anything I can do to help him other than pray for him. I have asked God to wake him up and plant the seed of truth inside him. I have been praying on many related issues a lot this last week and have been amazed at the speed at which an answer has been given to me. Maybe I cannot ever help him in person. I doubt I will ever see or hear from him again. But I can pray for him and for his deliverance and hope somehow that a miracle will occur and he can live his life away from this sad cult.

27

Please help! Non Witness needs advice as to what went wrong w/Witness ex

by AngelofEventide in

hi everyone, i am new to this site.

this whole last week has been sheer torture for me and i am trying to understand what happened.

i have been dating a witness for a little over two months now.

AngelofEventide

Thank you so much for replying. I guess I'm a little confused. I thought this was the offical JW website, but I guess it's a "survivor's" site? So you're an ex JW. I truly fear for my ex's sanity. Can you tell me how you got out it? Did you just come to your senses? If there was anything I could do to help my ex see the light, I would do it. Some of the bizarre beliefs that came out of him were so odd. He has been a witness since he was 8, so does that mean that since he was not born into it, he has a chance to escape? He does not go to the hall three times a week, he calls in once a week on Sundays, because something in the hall give him terrible allergies. He did the door to door thing but not recently, it was many years ago and he says he has never tithed, which I find weird, since I was told they will ex-communicate you if you don't tithe. If there were anyway I could "save" him, I would try if I could, because I too feel like he is completely brain-washed. Can you give any advice? I do not plan on going back to him, nor will I let my child die for lack of a transfusion. But if I knew he was out of it for good and would never go back, I would consider.

27

Please help! Non Witness needs advice as to what went wrong w/Witness ex

by AngelofEventide in

hi everyone, i am new to this site.

this whole last week has been sheer torture for me and i am trying to understand what happened.

i have been dating a witness for a little over two months now.

AngelofEventide

Hi everyone, I am new to this site. This whole last week has been sheer torture for me and I am trying to understand what happened. I have been dating a Witness for a little over two months now. We were deeply in love and when I say deeply, I mean we were talking about getting married down the road. He is currently going through a divorce, something I realize that is not particularly condoned in the religion, but the elders in the church said they understood and would not ex-communicate him. I do not want to give too much background into his story, in case his soon-to-be ex wife comes here or he does. My now ex has been through a ton of pressure these last few months. Right after we met, he was laid off his job. He has been putting out resumes left and right since that time, but has only been able to land a temp job. He is trying to keep from losing his house, going through his divorce, money issues, etc., etc. I have stood behind him 100% and even when he started vascilating back and forth about not being sure if he should try to make the marriage work for his kids' sake, though he says he was miserable for the last 6 years of the marriage, regardless, I put my own hurt aside and supported him in any way I could, because I loved him. We have been doing this long distance and that has been hard enough, but then all the added stress got to be too much for him I guess. I knew me not being a Witness was a bit of an issue for him, but we always promised we would never try to change the other and respect each others' beliefs. He was unlike any man I had ever met - my dream come true. He still is. Then just out of nowhere, his personality changed almost overnight. I was out to see him last weekend, a weekend we were both very much needing and looking forward to and that weekend, he was just so cold and distant from me. I tried to rationalize it was because of the horrendous stress he is under, but it only got worse. He became cocky, sarcastic and did everything he could to push me away and hurt me. He said cruel things to me, accused me of behavior that I never did. He brought up the blood issue, something I only had learned of earlier that week and said he could never marry a woman who did not believe in that like he did and that if he ever found out that I had given a child of ours a transfusion, he would hate me forever and never forgive me. He went on and on about how I was supposedly this and that (all his excuses were completely fabricated) and kept throwing religion into it. For the record, I do not follow any one doctrine, but I am an extremely spiritual person with a deep love/connection with God. He always understood and respected this and always told me how touched he was by the beauty he saw in my love for Him. His whole personality has changed in all this and even his roommates told me they have had it with him and are ready to move out. They have been appauled by his behavior and when I told them before leaving that he broke up with me, they were totally upset. They have always told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I was always raised that when two people love each other, no matter what the differences, that their love should be enough. My God is a God of love, not a God of hate or a God that says, you have to be this or that religion for me to lvoe you. I've never understood anything else. The only difference in opinion I ever had with him was over the blood issue, but I was never even given time enough to formulate a final opinion, since he dumped me only mere days after he told me about it. Can anyone help me to understand? Am I missing something? I still love this man and I know that he deeply love me. We had planned on spending the rest of our lives together, having a family of our own, etc. I am completely devastated and trying to understand. Thank you.