Jake,
I spent over 35 years as an active JW, 4 as Reg. Pioneer just before Armeggedon. All out of FEAR. I was always told "not to think" about certain scriptures in OT & NT that to me revealed another uglier side of Jah's personality. I.E. 'bashing babies heads against rocks and taking as wives 10 y/o girls.
I was told, "Brr. Rabbit, you're on thin ice! Don't you know the demons can hear you speak?? Only Jesus, the Angels & Jah can read your mind!
Me: Right here in the KH ??
Elder: Of course! And, they would love to report back to Satan that they found a doubting JW ?? (I'd get special attention )
Me: Well, can I write down the question ?
Elder: You'll have to 'wait on the New Order' for some answers. Then he walked away...
How do we, ANYBODY, know for sure what ANY god or spirit wants from us ? Just because somebody has a book that's been around for a long time -- proves nothing!
I am now pleasantly and 'comfortly numb' as an agnostic. I believe I am a good person. If a god cannot see that...with all the smarts a 'god' is supposed to have, then it will be god's loss if 'it' murders me, because I could not figure out which religion had its STAMP of APPROVAL.
Do you believe you are a good person ? (Retorical) If you need to have faith in a creator, fine. Just don't let them control you. I left about 12 years ago and once the "What ifs..." quieted down" I don't worry -- despite losing a marriage, children and 1/2 of my family that were JW's.
Never Surrender !