Getting ready to Wander again...not a good place this time...

wanderlustguy

I just found out I have one more big out of town assignment. Looks like my home on the beach is going to have to wait another month. This one is going to be tough. I have to go rebuild an office in my old home territory.

So many demons there now, they were there before, but now there are a few new cuts added to the collection. In a way I am afraid, just the thought of the airport I have to fly into sickens me. Why fear? Maybe the fear that I won’t be strong enough to face whatever I may run across there with the strength and composure I have managed to fake so much of the past few years.

I have to struggle to remember I am not the same person I was even a couple of months ago, much less so the person from years ago, and then struggle even further to force myself into discipline to train my heart to not care anymore about past wrongs. Then I think about what I want, I really want those who I feel have taken from me to look on me and know they can take no more. Maybe what is really desired is for them to feel guilty about what was done.

But then I think further…they have to know, how can they not? I just wish I knew if the torment was there over the things they have done. I know there are more out there that hear and have experienced exactly what I am talking about.

My father is probably one of the biggest ones, so many times I have started to tell him how I feel about what he did to us, and so many times I have felt compassion for him because he is so weak. But I need the closure. Just as with other things there, I beleive we all deserve closure. Even if it’s just to face those who dug our hearts out with a paper clip, they should face what they did, and listen to it from the mouth of the ones they hurt.

Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m supposed to let go and just be happy, as I usually am when I forget. It just hit me right in the face when I got my assignment about an hour ago. I wasn’t expecting to have to face some things so soon.

I just wish I knew how to let it go and be at peace about everything…I guess some of these scars are just too fresh.

WLG

EvilForce

Personally I think closure is bullshite...but hey what do I know.
However, that being said I have told all the people in "da troof" exactly what I feel. I wrote my parents a 7 page letter telling them how I really felt. It took a month to write that letter because I wouldn't be able to finish it without getting angry or crying. 18 months later I am so happy I did. So whatever it takes to say the things you need to say...DO IT! We all have bit our tongues, minded our mouths, and waited on Jehoba....it felt nice to finally get angry and say WHAT I FELT.
To the current elder that I had slept with many times in the past I berated him for his callous disregard. I told him I didn't feel bad at all about what went on between us as I really cared for him and I knew he did likewise but hid behind his religion and was pushing his sexuality down. He went out and married someone after know her for 6 months. Closet case. LOL
Also, this being said....be prepared that nothing will change. My parents act as if the letter didn't exist. But I have spoken my peace....now it's up to them to figure out what to do with this. Sorry if I'm rambling.

candidlynuts

hang in there wlg..

I just wish I knew how to let it go and be at peace about everything…I guess some of these scars are just too fresh.

ya know, this may be what you need to experience to be able to let it go and be at peace.

keep a positive attitude, hold your head up high and know THEY have the hang ups..not you.

wanderlustguy

Good points...very good. Maybe you're right, I do get to go back on my terms this time...

Sometimes I wonder if I maybe shouldn't post thoughts like these because they're so personal, etc, but then you guys go and say what I need to hear.

Go figure. How fortunate are we that Joe Hoba decided to give us this place to seek guidence...

WLG

BrendaCloutier

((( WLG ))) I don't believe in this type of coincidence. You are a bigger man now. You know who you are and are willing to stand up to it. Good luck and lots of love!

Bren

FMZ

Don't let your past take you over. Run at it head-on, and scream your battle cry. When all is done, you will have killed your demons.

FMZ

thom

Keep your head up high and let the knowledge that now you're the one in control of your own life keep a smile on your face.

LouBelle

I was going to say something about the past being in the past....but how many times does that past come up and bite one in the ass.

You're going back on your terms. You control how things pan out, not some elder/congregtion or organisation.

Sometimes facing those demons is good, it can help on in letting go, freeing oneself up totally.

HadEnuf

Even if it’s just to face those who dug our hearts out with a paper clip, they should face what they did, and listen to it from the mouth of the ones they hurt.

Oh if we could only do that my little wander. The sad thing is that many of us will never get the chance to have the satisfaction of some sort of apology for what has been done to us by others. I don't think one who has undergone severe trauma, as in your case and many other's here; can really ever have complete "closure" to the past. It's a part of what we are and hopefully, it can be a reminder of what we left behind and what we have to look forward too.

Knowing what the organization did to us just keeps me strong in knowing that we made the correct decision to leave and start our lives over...which isn't easy when you're 50+.

I agree with Evil...writing a letter can be almost (but not quite) as good as talking to someone face to face. I did that with my mother and it gave me some relief from my feelings of hatred towards her. Keeping journals and writing to those who have hurt us are valuable aids to us psychologically speaking...hastening the healing process (which I still believe is never complete).

You're such a great guy wander...like everyone here says...keep your chin up and know that you will always have the support of this forum.

Big hug...mumsy

Mecurious?

You always know im here for you my friend when you need to talk.

M'

Getting ready to Wander again...not a good place this time...

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