This is one of the more fun articles. It's not as serious as the others. As always, drop me your email address if you would like a full copy of the book.
THE WORLD’S WORST JOBS
I saw a television show the other night that ranked the world’s 10 worst jobs. Coming in the clear and uncontested winner was a man with the unenviable profession of “Septic Tank Diver”. Apparently, this fellow dresses in a sealed wet suit, attaches a mask and oxygen tank, and then dives into huge pools of poop. I guess, when you think about it, someone has to perform repairs on the interior of huge urban sewage treatment facilities. You just never think it will happen to you.
Now, a person naturally has to wonder how a worker gets recruited to this job. I don’t imagine that any young person grows up with the aspiration of someday becoming a septic tank diver. I would also think that running an ad in your local Help Wanted section wouldn’t have many takers, either. It must be more of a conscription process. Possibly, the workers in the plant sit around looking at each other, asking who will do the job. Finally, someone breaks and accepts it. Maybe straws of varying lengths are involved. Or, more likely, the management of the plant searches out a skilled diver of easy virtue and makes him an offer he can’t refuse.
Foreskin Harvester
Consider this account from the life and times of King David:
David arose and went, along with his men, and killed two hundred of the Philistines; and David brought their foreskins, which were given in full number to the king, that he might become the king's son-in-law. And Saul gave him his daughter Michal for a wife. - 1 Samuel 18:27
The story, as told in the Bible, hits the major high points. David kills some of his enemies, brings the evidence to the king, and is richly rewarded. Unfortunately, it glosses over the logistics of the situation that we all know are necessary.
These foreskins didn’t just jump into a bucket for David. Someone had to slice these puppies off of the cadavers, and perform general inventory functions - counting, storing, transporting, etc. I don’t imagine it was done by the incoming King, either.
Likely, the distasteful job fell to the staff person with the least seniority. It must have been a bad day to be low man on the totem pole.Hemorrhoid Sculptor/Model
A truly bizarre story is told in the book of 1 Samuel. Apparently, the ark of the covenant, which was a sacred relic of the Israelites that was believed to contain God’s presence, was stolen by the Philistines. They brought it back to their land, and set it before their God, Dagon. All told, they kept the ark for seven months.
Unfortunately for the Philistines, retention of the ark had a rather nasty side effect:
And it was so that, after they had carried it about, the hand of the LORD was against the city with a very great destruction; and He smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had hemorrhoids in their secret parts... And the men who died not were smitten with the hemorrhoids; and the cry of the city went up to heaven. - 1 Samuel 5:9,12
I guess you could say that the ark was a huge pain in the ass for the Philistines.
The Bible writer seems to be a master of restating the obvious. For example, the reference to “secret parts” seems to be redundant. Where else would you get hemorrhoids? Likewise, it doesn’t seem necessary to mention that the dead bodies were not afflicted. I think that could have been assumed.
The following question also arises: If the God of Israel had enough power to plague the Philistines and bring them to their knees (or in this case, their donut shaped pillows) then why couldn’t he just have prevented the ark from being stolen and desecrated for seven months? That would have saved a lot of effort for everyone.
Now, in every primitive culture, there is a reasonable remedy for every problem. And, of course, they found the solution that I’m sure any modern doctor would recommend:
Then said they, "What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him?" They answered, "Five golden hemorrhoids and five golden mice, according to the number of the lords of the Philistines; for one plague was on you all and on your lords. Therefore ye shall make images of your hemorrhoids and images of your mice that mar the land, and ye shall give glory unto the God of Israel. Perhaps he will lighten his hand from you and from your gods and from your land. - 1 Samuel 6:4,5 (21 Century KJV)
The obvious solution to the problem was, of course, to sculpt images of the offending hemorrhoids. They also threw in a few golden mice, just for good measure. The intended result? - giving glory to the God of Israel. I’m not sure how they came to the conclusion that God would be honored by this gift, but to their credit, it seemed to work. And we modern people waste all that money on Preparation H and surgery.
I actually have a point to this story, although it seems to have been left behind at the moment. Here it is: someone had to sculpt these hemorrhoids, and presumably, someone had to model for them. I think I will place hemorrhoid model as the second worst job in the land, with hemorrhoid sculptor in first place.
Temple Testicle Inspector
In the Bible’s judicial code, there are several laws that must have required some specialized enforcement procedures. For example:
- Entrance into the assembly of the Lord was granted only to those with complete testicles. (Duet 23:1) I’m not sure what purpose this served, but that is a discussion for another time. For the moment, let us consider the enforcement issue. If you encountered a person on the street whose testicles were not in complete working order, how would you know? Most people do not publicize this information. The only possible way would be through either voluntary disclosure, which would surely be abused, or some sort of inspection process.
- If a couple has sex during the woman’s period, the two are to be cut off from their people. (Lev 20:18) Once again, how would anyone know that this had happened? They certainly aren’t going to tell anyone. The answer could only be - yes, once again - the testicle inspector to the rescue.Depending on your inclination, this may or may not be a good job.
This also raises the question of consistency. In order for all testicle inspectors to be objective, yet discriminating, it would be necessary for a code of standards to be developed, and testicle inspectors to be accredited and licensed. Undoubtedly, the venerated “TTI” designation would be greatly sought after.
So, here they are folks, the unsung heroes of the Bible. The people who slice off the foreskins, sculpt the hemorrhoids, and check the nubblies. These are truly the heroes of the Bible, not the Prophets or the Kings.
To all of the septic tank divers of the world, past and present, I salute you!
