Should you keep an abusive marriage together for the sake of the children?

by Golden Girl 10 Replies latest watchtower child-abuse

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  Golden Girl

  After reading another post this came to my mind. You hear this so often. Stay together for the sake of the children.

  Well in the last few years I am seeing results of this. 3 children that my son was acquainted with as a child have grown up and either killed themselves or killed someone else. They all came from very abusive homes. The parents constantly fought..went out and partied and got drunk and would come home and pass out..and scream at their kids.Sometimes beating them with whatever was handy.

  The first I heard about was a boy. He had a very abusive..yet very religious home. His father would beat him and his mother. His brothers would beat him..and finally..when he was 18 he and a few other guys enticed a old schoolmate(girl) into some woods by their house and tied her up, raped her repeatedly and finally strangled her to death.He got life in prison..no parole.

  The second was not beaten..but his his parents were of the "Modern group"..Swingers" did drugs in front of and sometimes with the kids..and they fought constantly when they weren't leaving the teenagers (2 boys) alone and going out to do their thing. Usually coming home drunk the next morning.
  The one son was 18 and they found him hung in the basement off the rafters.

  The third I just read about. His parents beat him and were very abusive to each other..when they were home..usually the kids were on their own.
  It seems the boy..now in his late 40's was found in a roadside park locked in his car hoping to die from the heat.He just found out he was being laid off from Boeing. Well a park ranger found him and saved him.But when being questioned by the police he calmly told them he had killed his wife and 2 children ages 10 and 12. a few days ago and told them where to find the bodies. He had beaten his wife and daughter with a cast iron skillet and then smothered them while they were in bed sleeping.Then he smothered his son. When asked why..he said he wanted to die and didn't think they could survive without him.

  So I ask again..Is it right to hold an abusive marriage together for the sake of the children? Do you think children learn from what they see?
  If you see a boy being disrespectful to his Mother ..chances are the Father is disrespectful to the Mother..If you see a son rebelling against his father..chances are his Mother is berating his father in front of the son.

  Children need to learn respect for one another. If they aren't given this and being taught this..someday who knows what will happen..

  Snoozy... on her soapbox..and stepping down now.
• 

  IP_SEC

  Nope,

  Abuse is a disgrace to humanity. If you are trying to raise humans, an abusive home isnt the place for that.

  *abused lucky one/nearly half human class*
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  Unfinished Mystery

  In my opinion, an abusive parent is no good for the children, even if the abuse is only directed towards the spouse (and not the children).

  Unfinished
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  freedom96

  I don't think there is any reason to stay in an abusive relationship.
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  bisous

  seems like you answered your own question in your post.

  and, erm .... ummmmm.... NOOOOOO!!
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  diamondblue1974

  Just how to do children benefit from an abusive relationship?

  If they are abused themselves then this affects them in more than just a physical sense.

  If they witness abuse of their parents and particularly at the hands of the other parent then their is a real danger that they themselves will view this as normal; in whichever way children do not benefit from it in the slightest.

  The benefits of having both parents around who are abusers pales into insignificance when you measure it against the negative.

  DB74
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  blondie

  In my opinion, an abusive parent is no good for the children, even if the abuse is only directed towards the spouse (and not the children).

  While I grew up in a family where children and mother were abused, I agree that the above situation teaches boys to be abusive as boyfriends/husbands and girls to accept abuse as girlfriends/wives.

  We used to beg my mother to leave my father. Her emotional attachment to her husband was stronger than it was to her children as she abandoned us to his abuse. She only left when he started to abuse her too.

  Blondie
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  pudd

  I think this is so extremely complex. Sometimes abuse is obvious, sometimes subtle. Often it is obvious to everyone other than the family involved. A woman can convince herself that it would be wrong to remove a child from a dad that they love, even when she knows that the situation is not ideal. Sometimes she may even convince herself that it is all her own fault and if she could just try harder?. And as most of on this board are familiar with, sometimes couples believe that for religious/moral reasons they have to stay, for better or for worse. Not to mention the ?I love him/her? feelings and the protective instincts, ?how will he/she cope? Will he kill himself??(A common threat by abusers.)

  I think it is so easy to stand back and say, ?No way should they stay together for the children? and while in theory I know this is true as do we all. If you happen to live in the middle of it, it is not so cut and dry.

  Pudd
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  blondie

  Pudd, I'm sorry if you are speaking from a personal experience you are in currently. I, however, am the product of the wrong decision to stay. I have 4 siblings who are all messed up still emotionally and physically. Some have strugged for years with alcohol and drugs. One married an abusive man. One is an abusive husband. And one has an abusive wife. I waited until I was ready to discern whether my husband was an abuser; he is not.

  Yes, it is not easy to leave. Many mothers have no idea what damage it does to their children to see their father abuse their mother. They learn that love and abuse go together which explains why many choose abusive partners.

  Can a father love his children if he abuses their mother in front of them or in their hearing? I don't think so.

  If the father wakes up to what he has lost and gets counseling and is safe to be around, sure, try and re-establish a relationship.

  Love, Blondie
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  purplesofa

  Especially for the sake of the children, IMO it is better to leave.

  I was in an abusive marriage for 10 years, being slammed against the wall till I saw stars, calling the police for domestic violence, keeping the secret, living in constant fear. The amount of energy just to survive the emotional turmoil is in itself enough to further the abuse to children. I once stayed at a shelter for battered women for a few days, only to be told by my doctor that I might miscarry, At the time I did not know it, but I was carrying twins.

  I grew up abused by my mother, and when I went to her for help, she said, "the way you are.....you deserve it."

  I have four sons, The older ones remember these outburst......being kicked with cowboy boots and my exhusband trying to put a light cigarette to me. Screaming and yelling for their daddy to please stop hitting mommy. My last child is a girl. I was divorced shortly after she was born. She has never been exposed to such violence and heaven help the guy who would ever try it.

  Although we spent many years struggling financially, the kids did have a peaceful enviroment as they grew older. Learning better ways to handle situations, not violence by the example they had been shown. My sons are good kids, and come to me so often and let me know how much they love me.

  Their father continued his abuse to his next three wives. My kids know that not every woman will put up with that kind of behaviour. As they all left him.

  I could write a book about it and have thought of going to school to learn how to help women in abusive marriages.

  ok......long post.......I know, sorry

  purps