ok so anyway i have been fading for a little over a year now. During that time I have been primarily focusing on improving my social skills: reconnecting with old high school pals, trying to make sense of the world, trying to connect with others, opening myself up to new belief systems, activities
Now that I am becoming more comfortable around people i am considering pursuing a relationship with someone. No one in particular just yet. I think I know who I am and the kind of person who I would be happy with. I just haven't found her yet.
Coming from my jw background what are some things that I should be mindful of during my relationship, when it occurs?
they say that guys tend to treat women in relationships how they treat their mother. i don't know how true it is across the board, but i tend to take things out on my lady (esp family frustrations). at first, while i was still learning to cope with the shunning and learning to deal with the relationship, i would have wild, terrible mood swings and i would end up getting upset at her for something stupid like leaving dirty dishes in the sink. with time, i've learned to express myself better so that if i'm pissed about something (or depressed, or whatever) i stop and figure out what is making me feel that way before just getting pissed at my girlfriend.
it sounds like a no-brainer, but if your family shuns you you might want to pay attention to that.
your right about that, but sometimes they will try to initiate it by getting your attention some way. which I'm mindful of.
I had to keep telling myself: Its just a date... Its just a date... Its just a date...
elsewhere, that is exactly where i am at right now. I just wish that i could not take the whole process so seriously. when i first left, i was probably no where near ready to date seeing as every little thing that was different from a witness girl would freak me out but now i am a lot less judgemental. I'm still not comfortable cigarettes or smokers. Not that i think they are going to hell or anything but i would have to get used to a girl that smoked. plus, its just bad for you.
I think in a way male ex-jw's have a harder time in relationships then female ex-jw's
for me, it seems that worldly, "normal" relationships take more time and energy to initiate than witness.
I suppose with the witness community, you would usually have instant rapport and i guess that with such a tight community dating was less threatening. I find that in the world it takes take to establish rapport with someone before taking the relationship further.
on the same note, it seem that witness relationships just came together easier. I think the reason that males may have it more difficult is because we often must initiate the whole process.
I would agree -- try not to get sucked in to past boundaries and teachings. Keep it light, date more than one person and also socialize as much as you can in groups to get to know a broad range of women, philosophies and styles. Avoid approaching women from a JW point of view - rather, treat them as equals.
Try to stay on receive as much as you are on send. What I mean by this is truly listen to the person you are with. This is how you will inform yourself about who they are and where they are coming from. Plus you will send a strong positive message and demonstrate interest in them ... which is a positive, trust me.
and for goodness sakes, don't pay any attention to the victim-advice quoted below, not if you are serious about finding someone cool and compatible to hang with ...
1. its always the females choice, no matter how much you believe otherwise.
2. humans are natural born liars
3. people are looking to benefit themselves first and foremost.
4. love is just another form of opiate drug.
5. you probably have two good hands (^_^) never forget that.
Try reading "Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus". I, like others have mention, have been treated much better by worldly men when dating than I ever was by JW men.
For me it was important that the man treat me like gold initially. It was important that I know he wanted to impress me. My husband paid for our initial dates (eventually I started offering to chip in as well), he planned them out, he opened doors for me, he pulled out chairs for me, he drove, etc. It was wonderful. It made me feel really special and at the same time did not make me feel obligated or committed in anyway. I just felt cared for and I think that's important for women. In turn he felt he was pleasing me and making me happy. No JW ever went to such lengths and it was great having the perspective that we were dating and there was no need to feel obligated. We met on match.com and I think that allowed us to get to know eachother well via email and on the phone prior to deciding whether or not we even wanted to meet face to face.
Anyways, the book I suggested is light reading and it just helps to communicate the differences between men and women. It also brings out the different ways in which we can provide what the other needs in a relationship.
and for goodness sakes, don't pay any attention to the victim-advice quoted below, not if you are serious about finding someone cool and compatible to hang with ...
