Mi Familia

by lisaBObeesa 10 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  lisaBObeesa

  Dear Friends,

  I have come a long way from when I was 18 years old and fresh out of my parents house and the Borg. I went throught stages...so many stages... of recovery. I am still going through stages. What the heck stage am I at?? I don't know, I but I feel pretty much at peace with the the past and with the JWs. I no longer get a horrible knot in my stomach when I see JWs sitting at a table at the mall(but I sometimes have an impulse to go over and mess with them---NO, I don't do it!).

  So I am moving along through life in peace, thinking the whole JW thing is neatly wrapped up in the past when WHAM! My sister calls.
  My JW-true-believer-sister. The one who speaks to me, but won't speak to our DF mother. The one who won't let our mother see her grandchildren. And suddenly, I'm back on the web, surfing exJW boards and I'm haunting the aol JW chat rooms once again.

  This stupid issue is so hard to deal with and come to peace about. Rationally, I know my sister is my sister and there is nothing I can do about what she chooses to do. I have thought about it and desided that I want to keep a relationship with my sister even though I hate what she is doing. I think it is wrong to shun. I love my sister. Also, I hate my family being torn apart and will not be a part of tearing it apart further. But it is very difficult. It sort of makes me sick, actually. Sometimes, when I talk with my sister about trival little things just because we can't talk about anything real, I feel sick. When we are talking and I suddenly think of my mother, I feel sick.

  And then I think maybe it makes me sick because it is cognative disonnance....like I'm trying to hold two opposing views at once, and it is hurting me. Maybe because I believe my sister is a good person who is misled AND that my sister is doing an awful, evil thing. Maybe I need to pick ONE. Or, maybe the two beliefs are true, but it is just hard to deal with, and I need to deal with THAT.

  I don't know. All I know is that my mom is in pain and my sister is in pain and I'm pissed about it. STILL.

  Thanks for the space to spill,
  --LisaBobeesa
• 

  Quester

  LisaBobeesa,
  Just wanted to say, I hear ya.
  Tough situation and not easy to deal with that.
  Hugs to ya,
  Quester
• 

  soylibre

  Pobrecita.....I'm so sorry you're going thru this....it has to be tough....I will say this to you....You're doing the right thing by standing by your Mom....and yes your sister is very MISLED.....she's doing what she thinks is the right thing....unfortunately it does rip families to pieces...try to be there for the both of them...remember your sister sees it like this, "if Mom really loved us she'd get reinstated so she could be with us", JW's tend to take it very personal when someone they care about chooses to not be in the org. They get pretty offended....almost like "blaming the victim".....Try to hang in there and do the best you can....your only real hope is for your sister to come out and maybe you can help in that!!!!!! Love and Hugs.....Kim
• 

  outnfree

  (((((Lisa))))),

  I think you said something very wise here:

  Maybe because I believe my sister is a good person who is misled AND that my sister is doing an awful, evil thing. Maybe I need to pick ONE. Or, maybe the two beliefs are true, but it is just hard to deal with, and I need to deal with THAT. (Emphasis mine)

  I visited a therapist recently and was discussing making a move that rather terrifies me. He advised that being terrified was a perfectly rational way to feel and that most people get in trouble because they don't look at things objectively and see both sides of an issue. It is better to look realistically at the positive and negative consequences of any action.

  You are seeing clearly. Your sister is a good person who is being mislead AND her shunning actions are evil.

  Does she realize how much this hurts you? Are you able to discuss the shunning and its effects with her at all? Not the effects on mom -- whom true-believer sis thinks needs to straighten up and 'get back to Jehovah' -- but the effects on YOU, whom she loves and acknowledges?

  Sometimes, when I talk with my sister about trival little things just because we can't talk about anything real, I feel sick.

  Maybe you could ask her if she feels as soylibre mentioned:

  "if Mom really loved us she'd get reinstated so she could be with us"

  and perhaps that would be a starting point for a heart-to-heart talk about how YOU feel as well, and your anguish about the rift in your family.

  I'm very sorry for your sadness and for the illogic that allows your JW sister to treat a-never-got-dunked-JW sister better than her ex-sister-in-the-faith mom.

  I wish you peace.

  outnfree
• 

  voltaire

  I think you're on the right track when you wonder if it's possible for your sister to be both good and misled. Witnesses tend to see the world in black and white. The longer I live, the more obvious it becomes to me that we are all morally ambiguous. No one is good or bad, we are all good and bad. It's not a pleasant realization, but I'm afraid it's true. Do your best to be more of the former and as little of the latter as possible.

  I'm in a similar situation with my wife. Eventually, I'll make my feelings known to the elders and I assume I'll be disfellowshipped, which will put tremendous pressure on my mariage. I've learned to live with it. I am now putting my affairs in order so that I will have friends and a support structure in the event I am disfellowshipped. I've come to the reaization that I can't shield my wife or my mother from the consequences of their actions. If my views result in being DF'ed and that hurts them or ends my marriage, it will be the result of THEIR response to my actions, not my actions themselves. No hay de otra. Uno tiene que comportarse de acuerdo con sus convicciones.
• 

  troubled

  I read your post and really feel for you. The whole disfellowshipping/shunning thing is something I'm looking at myself and questioning. As a 15-year JW, the thing that started me taking a good, hard look at the DFing issue was my talks with my therapist regarding childhood issues. What I mean is, I came to realize how hurt I've been over my parents general disapproval and lack of emotional concern for me (since I was a kid). It has been hard for me! (I guess you always want your parents to love and approve of you, no matter how old you are).

  Then it hits me:

  If I've felt so incredibly hurt over not being supported by my family (who are not JW and who, though they are disapproving, still visit me, etc.), how must it feel for DF'd JWs whose parents (and others) quit talking to them altogether?

  Now that I've been in therapy, I can't help feeling it's psychologically damaging to do that to someone. Even if you don't agree with the choices they are making. So I'm having to study and reevaluate this matter for myself all over again. Wondering, can I continue doing this to DF'd people? And can I teach others to do the same?
• 

  reagan_oconnor

  outnfree, LisaBo and troubled:

  (((hugs)))

  Lisa: I'm feeling similarly towards my parents and sisters/brother. You are not alone.

  outnfree: You said

  You are seeing clearly. Your sister is a good person who is being mislead AND her shunning actions are evil.

  
  I got into a huge argument with my husband over whether or not my parents are evil for cutting me off, or if their actions are evil. I found a great definition for this: spiritual blackmail. They think that they can coerce you into returning if they cut you off. Yes, it's damaging.

  By the way, I've decided that my parents aren't evil, but their actions are.

  Reagan

  
  I am the master of my fate/I am the captain of my soul.
• 

  mustang

  Interesting thought on this:

  My brother still attends meetings but that is it. He goes with his family. I haven't done anything for 25+ years: inactive fence-sitter and proud of it!!! My sister & her husband are full-bore, do-it-all Dubs.

  So, my Rutherford-ite, In Yer Face Dub Dad wants to unilaterally make up with me, while cursing my brother all the way! (Like you, I don't understand the personal rift, there.)

  I led the way in boycotting Dad: read that 'reverse shunning'. My brother followed suit after Dad redoubled the pressure on him. Soon after that my sister (seemingly doing everything to please him) couldn't take his interference with her family life and quit talking to him. That leaves my brother-in-law as the only one to communicate with Dad.

  Anyway, we did it to him, in self defense. It was actually suggested by the 'Olders' that we simply avoid interaction with him. He is a known trouble-maker, but an old 'pillar of the community' JW-wise. He started the local congregations, 50 years ago.

  I feel that he should have been DF'd years ago, but when it's really needed, THEY MISS THAT ONE BY A MILE. (In an unusual tact, the 'Olders' all backed off, apparently roped us all off and declared it 'a family matter'. The family is a mixture of status, good to indifferent to "1000's of miles away".)

  What I am going to suggest (and it is only a suggestion) is to 'do it by the numbers'. You apparently talk to both your brother and mother. You have solace and peace with the rest of your family. In fact, you are probably a great comfort to them. You should continue that.

  You are able to 'walk into all camps', based on a technicality. You never committed to something that the other three did.

  Your sister is the one that is doing the harsh thing. You are extending the 'olive branch' and supporting her. This actually encourages her. I'm not sure that continuing to interface with her is in the best interest of all concerned.

  What we have here is that she is punishing the relatives by NOT EXERCISING THE OPTION to speak to them for family business.

  Ever notice how 'legalistic' all this stuff is? The WTS is first and foremost just that: 'legalistic'. It appears more and more that that is more important than scriptural concerns.

  Anyway, your sister is not entirely technically correct according to WTS. It is my understanding, (correct me if I am wrong) that SHE HAS THE OPTION of speaking to the mother (or even the brother). She is not allowed to discuss spiritual matters. (Someone noted recently an 'Older' who spent a vacation with all his DF'd children and declared it family business.)

  My point is that I doubt that you will suffer as much by backing off from your sister, as your mother & brother are suffering. Your sister, voluntarily doing an unloving thing, needs some attention (or lack of attention) directed her way. You can even point out that she is not doing the loving thing by electing the harsher course of action. What she is doing is not strictly required by WTS, though some local Olders may push it.

  And throw that nonsense about 'we are doing this harsh action to them for their own good' out the window. All that amounts to is an excuse for inflicting some self-gratifying punishment to someone.

  And, in anticipation of hearing the moral condemnation of 'you will be no better than they are', I say HAH!!! So what? I'm in a bad situation and need to deal with it. Such platitudes only make you the victim of dangerous people by holding you in a state of inaction.

  Mustang
  Peace and best wishes
• 

  BoozeRunner

  This situation is one that plagued me years ago. One of my sisters was DF'd in the early 80's. I kept in touch with her, getting all the details of her situation. I flew across the country to visit her, much to my dads dislike. As a result of shunning her, my family missed out on getting to know her daughter-a damn shame. I am my niece's favorite uncle because I never turned my back on them.

  After 15 years of barely communicating, my family speaks to her on a regular basis. This has been a result of eye-opening realizations about the WTS, as well as FINALLY hearing my sisters side of the story.

  I am happy I stuck by her.

  Boozy

  (sidenote here-my niece refused to come to my dads funeral because it conflicted with another important event in her life. She was never made to feel like family, so why ALL-OF-A-SUDDEN should she run here to the east coast? I dont fault her for her decision)
• 

  Billygoat

  {{{LISA}}}

  I am so incredibly sorry for this pain in your heart. And I understand it to a T. After my DF, my life was in shambles. Only by God's grace was I able to survive it! I guess my situation is a little different though as I live 5K miles away from my JW family. Unfortunately, "out of sight - out of mind" is how I deal with my JW family! Since then I have been through years of therapy and cried countless tears. I have faith in the end that God will remember every one of those shed tears. He has been and will continue to take care of me when my own family disowned me. It is a comfort...but doesn't take all the pain away.

  When I was a child, my little brothers used to call me "sister" - like the Berenstein Bear family. They were 9 when I was DFed 10 years ago, so my brothers really don't even know me anymore. But last year at a family reunion we all attended, my 19 year old brothers, who are full time pios, gave me huge bear hugs and said, "I love you sister." Just like when they were little boys. Broke my heart! Just when I thought I was doing so well without a blood family! My family has GOT to see that I'm living a better life now than when I was a JW. Anybody can see that! I still have faith that someday my family will be awakened to The Truth not being The Truth. So until then I patiently wait on God to give me the opportunity to comfort and witness to THEM.

  You're in my prayers Lisa. I hope we can comfort you in times like this!

  Christian love,
  Billygoat