by alamb 26 Replies latest jw friends
waiting
well maybe i am the only one who has not been able to leave this style of life yet,,i am trying to,,but it is very difficult,,,it is normal to run to another abuser, and that is what i did, i am trying my best to get out,,but it is very difficult
if you are able to chat with some in transition houses, they will tell you this is very normal,,,my only hindrance is my finances,,they will not allow me to leave just yet,,till then,,i just hang on
wendy
Monica,
...sigh...I cannot tell you how heavy my heart feels as I read more of your story. Thank you for sharing. I think you and I were raised in the same household! It does indeed feel strange to hear someone else speak of THEIR experience and it mirror your own so VIVIDLY!
Our fathers have no idea how much damage they've caused our lives. I do believe that God is justice. Someday people like our fathers WILL know - FULLY UNDERSTAND - the damage they've caused to their children and wives. I know it's sinful, but I imagine myself rejoicing that day.
For me, the tinkle of my boyfriend's belt buckle as he dresses, stops my heart! My dad would use that sound to warn us kids that he was "beyond the point of self-control" - the very action showing me he was in full control of his emotions and faculties and beat the tar out of us anyway. I don't know about you, but the grief my heart feels sometimes is so overwhelming. It catches my breath and stops my heart. And in the midst of this? I love my father like no other man in this world. That's what's so incredibly SAD.
I too have found a wonderful Christian man that loves me unconditionally. I haven't had the courage to tell him my childhood experiences - perhaps at some point I will be able to.
Thank you for sharing...your grief and healing is my grief and healing!
Billygoat
Hey Wendy aka Orbison,
Honey, a lot of us go from one to the next one - just like the last one. When I finally had the audacity (nerve) to - for the fourth time - tell my husband I was leaving him for good, I was leaving a person exactly like one of the men who abused me as a child.
Then, within weeks, I became involved with the next in line of exact duplicates. It took me a year to finally be strong enough to say "this isn't what I want." And it took even longer to actually walk away.
I'm a strong person - but I went back exactly to what I knew and what I was comfortable with. I knew how to react to that type of man. I knew what was thought of me. I knew that lifestyle. But it took me a long time to know how to walk away.
I have a good husband now - for 20 years. But it was just dumb luck - or even better (my emotional blindness) which allowed him in to my vision. We only knew each other for 3 weeks - then got married (sorta like a bet.)
If I would of thought about it - I probably wouldn't have married him. What a loss that would have been for me.
But I definitely know what it's like to "go back to what you know." I did it too.
Take care.
waiting
((((((Wendy))))))))
So, from what I gather, you are in an abusive relationship right now and your finances are such that you feel you can't leave? That's really sad! It sounds like you are familiar with the safe-houses. Have they been able to offer you assistance on how to make it on your own? How long have you been with this guy? What about family? Is there anyone you can turn to for temporary help until you can be stabilized financially?
I hope and pray that you get out of that situation and fast! What helped my mom get away (she's left him two times and finally left for good about 3 yrs ago), we got her to move out and told her to just view it as temporary and the longer she was away, the easier it got.
BTW, you are not the only one! My sister has a difficult time finding men who treat her right. I kind of tell her the same advice when she is trying to break away - that it takes time to get over someone, but you can do it. Love is strange. You can't just wake up one day and say, I don't love you anymore. It takes time for the love to fade. Each day and week away from an abusive guy is progress. I understand it is hard, but you can do it!
I am glad you are in contact with the safe-houses. If you ever need someone to talk to, please feel free to email me.
Billygoat,
It saddens me to know my story is much like yours. I hate to hear that others here have gone through that and again, I am just so shocked at all these similar feelings, emotions and experiences. I've never really talked to anyone else about this, except my family or to others who have never experienced anything like it.
Regarding "rejoicing" and you feeling it's sinful. Don't feel bad, my sin is worse -- I think these guys should be taken out and beat to a pulp for abusing women and children like that. Did you ever see the Godfather when the brother beat up his bro-inlaw? I have to say, I was thinking, "if only someone did that for us".
I just think some people don't understand that this abuse isn't just a one-time or two-time thing, but it is something that continues and continues year after year and the longer the victims are in that kind of environment, the more damage that is done. The elders don't understand that once it is known to them that by this time, these victims are feeling like they are in a desperate situation and need assistance. Their lack of training, to me, is no excuse; however, I blame it on the borg because they are the ones that tell the elders how to handle these situations. They know the damage they are causing - yet they do nothing! Your dad, my dad and the borg leaders on judgement day - I do not envy them.
Thank you for sharing your experience too. I am glad you found someone who loves you like you should be loved!
Monica
Oh my where to start.
My family was abusive before they became JWs and it never changed. My mother beat me for the last time when I was 17 - for not cleaning the house and taking care of her kids while she went out to work. Shortly after that she forced me into a marriage with a man I barely knew
and the abuse continued with him.
I have my story posted in a couple of places on the net but here it is again
**************
I was introduced to the JWs when I was 11 years old when my mother starting studying with them. Within a year I asked to be baptized but was told I should wait until I was older. Shortly after problems at home (sexual abuse by her boyfriend - they were only studying at the time) resulted in my being placed in a foster home in another city. I lost touch with my family and the JWs for three years.
At 16 years old I returned to live with my mother who by this time was baptized and immediately became involved again and within a year was baptized and in one more year I was married to a new convert (not my choice but rather arranged by my mother).
I lived for fifteen years in this abusive marriage to a man who slowly rose to elder in the congregation. He was looked up to and was respected by the others in the congregation. My life was spent trying my best to hide the abuse at home (emotional, spiritual and sexual towards me and physical abuse towards the children) and I created the belief that we were the perfect Witness family (2 daughters). Vacations involved trips to Bethel or to visit other Witnesses. My supporting him allowed him to regularly vacation pioneer and spent all his time ministering to the flock and ignoring the family.
He regularly used the Bible to force his ideas of what a "good" witness family was. He would beat and kick the girls for the smallest of infractions. I would literally have to drag or push him out of the room to protect the girls. I never told anyone. I was always reminded that it would bring shame on the organization if the truth came out.
I regularly suffered from depression as a result of the abuse at home and the long-term effects of abuse as a child (pre-Witness). Added stress of being an elders wife and trying to be perfectly happy drove me to serious thoughts of suicide.
My husband's sexual demands were perverted and disgusting to me but he insisted on them continually and repeatedly tried to force some of his demands on me. He used the Bible to tell me that it was my obligation as a wife to satisfy his sexual demands and that if I did not he would be forced to commit adultery. I was also reminded that if he did commit adultery it would be my fault and his blood would be on my hands.
I felt dirty and ashamed. Used and abused. And believed no one would listen to me or believe me. So I stayed quiet for many years. I finally realized there were two ways out... death by suicide or adultery. We tried a separation for a short period of time but he would come to the house and yell and try to get in demanding that I take care of his sexual needs and then he would leave.
To deal with this my reasoning went like this:
If I commit suicide I will be dead, my kids will be alone, and God will not forgive me.
If I commit adultery he will be free to remarry (that way I will not be responsible if he commits adultery and therefore his blood will not be on my hands) and he will have to stop bothering me PLUS hopefully God will eventually forgive me. If I just left him he would commit adultery and I would be responsible and of course God would not forgive me. Sounds convoluted and it was and it took me two years to figure out what to do.
I committed adultery with an almost stranger which turned into a rape -- date rape I suppose. I had the power to be free but was too scared to tell for another year. My suicidal thoughts got worse and worse until finally I had no choice but to tell which of course brought the elders running full force.
Now I wasn't in the best of shape to begin with and the whole ordeal of the Judicial Committee really wore me down. At one point my husband knew I was going to tell the truth about his sexual demands so he "stepped down" as elder on the pretext that he needed to spend more time with his family. When the elders met with us HE told them what he had done to me and about his sexual demands (I think he figured that if he told it would look better).
Well they disfellowshipped me for a one time experience and white-washed the whole thing for his fifteen years of sexual abuse to me. About five years later I went to one of the elders to ask about reinstatement and I was told there was nothing in my husband's file about his statements and he did not recall my husband ever saying such things. (In the meantime my now ex-husband remarried a sister in the congregation - and she has done the exact same thing - committed adultery to get away from him)
I never went back.
Now during those fifteen years after I left I went back to school and became a counselor working with incest survivors. I became an expert on abuse but most of the literature I read was about physical or sexual abuse -- nothing about psychological abuse or spiritual abuse. As a part of my work I started reading information about cults and found the gold at the end of the rainbow. My ex-husband was a psychological and spiritual abuser and the organization I was in used the exact same techniques as any abuser in any family. Abuse is abuse and it doesn't matter who is doing it whether an individual or an organization. The Watchtower organization is no different than any abuser. They use fear and threats and intimidation and manipulation and perversions of the truth to control their victims.
Well I no longer live with abuse in my daily life and I no longer live with abuse in my spiritual life. I know the truth and it is not what the JWs teach.
And I have met a wonderful man and we are getting married next Saturday
A Lamb and to all,
Abuse within the organization? Oh yes!!!
It breaks my heart to hear all of these horrible things have happened to each and everyone of you.
For myself, there was no abuse growing up in my family. But I do believe that the things the Society had my parents instill in me set me up for being in an abusive marriage.
It actually began when I was raped by on of the "annoited" when I was seventeen. He was about thirty and had planned the seduction for about two years. I was publicly reproved he was privately reproved. My parents had a suicide watch on me for about two years. This is what set me up. It shattered my self-esteem. I felt dirty and less. Not good enough for a good "brother". So I married my ex. He started in on me about two weeks after we were married.
As for emotional abuse verses physical, my counselor many years later once told me emotional is actually worse. Now let me first say that to me any kind of abuse is unpardonable. And abuse affects each and every one of us differently no matter what the form of it is. But she said "When you are physically abused and you have a black eye people can look at you and feel sorry for you. When you are emotionally abused and people can see no signs, except for maybe you are whining or appear to be feeling sorry for yourself, they just look at you and think you should get over it". That stuck with me.
For me, it makes me over-whelmingly angry to think that because of the Socities rules, I felt I had no choice but to stay with him for almost seventeen years. I was alone and trapped. So many times I wanted to die or worse yet God forbid, I wished him dead. Then I would have to feel horribly guilty for that. It was a mad vicious cycle.
When he finally did leave me, the elders took over where he left off. Making my life miserable. Basically torturing me for being in an "unscriptural seperation" even though by that time they were very aware of the facts.
My question became, "Who decides what constitues grounds for seperation". Who decides what is abuse to the point of spiritual endangerment? They have it written in their WT's but you can't use it, because the bottom line is the elders have the power to decide. You have none. If they decide you don't have the grounds, they make your life miserable.
I did very little talking after he left me. Under direct orders from the elder's. Very sick IMO, because talking and caring is what you need. But Witnesses came out of the woodwork telling me their horror stories. So much abuse, so much terror, so little done to help the victims.
I was accused of promoting divorce in the congregation. There was another woman at the time, claiming her husband was abusing her. I don't know whether he was or not, she was one of the one's I wasn't sure I fully believed. But truth of the matter is, I had not spoken one word to her about my situation. But still I was labeled as "Jezebel influence" and accused of promoting.
It still makes me sick to this day to think about all the things the elder's put me through. As if what I was already going through already wasn't enough.
Abuse in the Borg? Yes indeed. Probably by ratio more than anywhere else. Covered up and excused? Yes indeed. A sad record for an organization who claims to have the only life-saving truth.
TW
Has anyone ever addressed the incidence of domestic violence in Witness families? - alamb
To answer the OP, I think the issue of Domestic Violence is mishandled in the WT organisation. This is my story and how DV from a JW in good standing affects our lives.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_uWFKDFMdQ&feature=c4-overview&list=UUCLreH8z5nWXuytHdH15FkQ
Kate xx
