Breaking ties with toxic people....

love11

What do you do if your siblings are ex-jw's, but no one is still talking to one another?

I used to live in Chicago and I moved back to my home town just to be near my sisters. My husband had to search high and low for his line of work in this town and loved me enough to move back when he saw how sad I was without them.

Since moving back home I have been excluded from all the fun stuff that sisters are supposed to do with each other and I only get invited to occasions where a gift is involved. (birthdays,holidays)

Also, I found out that all of the time I was away, they were gossiping about me and spreading lies. Really... really... bad lies, to all of my relatives (ones I just started getting to know as an adult because as a kid I wasn't allowed to talk to the non-jw family members) and all of the ex-jw friends we all shared together.

Now, everywhere I go, people treat me different. School, grocery store, gyno. doctor, old friends, etc.

I wish I could clear my name, but everytime I try, people just tell me that I need to get over the past. Yet, they still treat me as if I did this horrible thing they say I did.

Why are my sisters doing this to me? I didn't do anything to deserve this.

I showed my best friend the documented proof that this is completely fabricated in their heads. Her theory is that they are jealous of me. Apparently, she thinks that I am the most attractive of my sisters and I have the best family life out of all of them so they want others to think bad of me so they can think well of themselves. I think that they are all beauiful,but how they act is making them very ugly.

My husband wants to leave here and I am actually thinking of moving far away and not tell anyone I'm leaving. Just sort of drop off the face of the earth.

I don't know what the right thing to do is, but when I would go over their homes you could "cut the air with a knife". I'm turning 30 this year and I'm just tired of being around people that act nice to your face but really hate you and like it when you hurt.

I've tried to ask them why they are doing this and they admitted to me in private that it was a "misunderstanding" ( I don't see how that could be true) but then I find out that they are still keeping up this lie instead of clearing my name.

I feel adopted into this family and I am out of their disfuntional clique. Maybe that's not such a bad thing.

What should I do?

stillajwexelder

I WISH I HAD THE WISDOM OF S OLOMON TO ADVISE YOU - ONE CAN CHOOSE ONES FRIENDS BUT NOT ONES FAMILY

love11

Ain't that the truth!

blondie

Sounds like you have done some brave, hard work to get to a solution, sweetie.

The ones that admitted it was a "misunderstading," did you ask them if they would be willing to talk to the other relatiaves and correct the matter?

I see jealousy as possibly being a problem.

Ask yourself what your relationships were like when you were all JWs? Did jealously play a part then?

Find a family member that you have the best relationship with and see if they agree about the problem and would help you.

Otherwise, I don't know what to say. This book might have some ideas.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0071412425/qid=1111288025/sr=2-2/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_2/102-2036849-6778500

Product Description:Ten steps to surviving a family rift, finding peace, and moving on

A family rift is one of the most traumatic experiences a person can face. It can have a profound effect on virtually every aspect of life, causing depression, relationship problems, and even physical illness. Healing From Family Rifts offers hope to those coping with a split in their families. Family therapist Mark Sichel addresses the pain and shame connected with family rifts and offers a way through the crisis and on toward healing and fulfillment. Uniquely, Sichel does not assume that every rift will or even should be mended. Instead, he offers ways to recover from any outcome, including:

A 10-step process to come to terms with the family dynamics that led to the split
Methods to find peace and personal reconciliation
Skills that help to build a second family of people whose values are in line with one's own
Techniques to fight feelings of guilt when faced with a family rift

Includes inspiring and instructive stories drawn from the author's patients that help readers put their own situations in perspective.

love11

blondie-

I have asked that- and they just act like I'm imagining they are still spreading these lies and that they don't feel it's necessary to talk about the past. One of my sisters -d- told me to promise not to say anything but that the other sister- a- is still convincing everyone that I did this. I'm beginning to think they are all psychotic.

My mom told me that sister- a- has always been jealous of me since I was a baby. I don't understand why, I have always had such a low self-esteem and looked up to her. Sister-d- and I were talking one day and she said that -a- never seemed to like me. I was floored! I never saw it! Maybe I was just being naive. I feel like I'm finally waking up to how things really are and it's a hard pill to swallow. Now I know that they will never love me the way that I love them. And over what? Skin, teeth, bones; all of which can be taken away.

blondie

You can't change her and if your other family play along....

All I can say is you find out who your real friends are.

My JW family hasn't talked to me for the last 15 years and that was when I was a good, active JW. It was one of the reasons I finally left. But remember that your family are still affected by the JW background. Not that non-JWs can't be jealous and spread lies.

Even if you did what your sister is telling people (and I don't believe you did), your familly should accept that it is over. You aren't that person more.

My personal spin on this is that the ones who listen to a gossip are worse than the gossip because without listeners, gossip would die.

(((Hugs)) to you. Sounds like you have a nice husband...me too. He makes up for all the cruelty my family has heaped on me over the years.

Love, Blondie

love11

thanks blondie-

glad to hear you're doing good.

p.s. After 10 years, I'd come clean if I did it.

Thanks, for the advice, it's nice to know you're not the only one going through this.

Dustin

Blondie always gives good advice. Listening to her isn't a bad idea.

As for me, I've found out that sometimes in life you just need to disappear. One day I'm here and the next I'm gone. That's just what you have to do sometimes. Family isn't always what they are suppossed to be.

Dustin

SheilaM

love: I have dealt with this issue. In fact I thought you were talking about me and my life. I have just decided my siblings are just toxic and I leave them to their life and I live mine.

Flash

Even if you don't move, stop dealing with them...cut them off. They don't deserve you and you don't deserve their grief!

Breaking ties with toxic people....

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