Wife joining, but I don't want the kids to get all brainwashed

by Check_Your_Premises 51 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  Check_Your_Premises

  My wife is joining. She feels that the choice is between nothing and God, and that the only way to have a relationship with God is through these people. I have accepted that.

  For me now the issue is the children. Many have said do not openly or directly oppose, since that will cause problems. But I also don't feel I can let the children be indoctinated into this. I don't mind the information they present, it is all of the mind control techniques that I object to.

  So I have resolved that I need to exert my headship, and they assured me I have nothing to fear. "Nobody is going to tell you what you can teach in your own home!" is what they told me. I want to test their sincerity and the sincerity of my wife. So I need to establish some boundaries and make it clear to my wife, my children and the org that I am in charge in my home.

  I want the kids to understand that I don't necessarily believe they are right, and this is the only way. Since I don't believe that, my spiritual instruction will include that. I have also realized that if I don't believe this is the right way to have a relationship with God, I have to find and show an alternative. So here is what I proposed to my wife and she has grudgingly accepted.

  1. Every other Sunday the kids will go to church with me somewhere else. Other Sundays we will all attend the KH. This will go on for a little while, say about six months since KH visits are not compulsory. After that, any attendance at other churches would be voluntary. Any other meeting attendance by my children is completely optional. We will discuss it with them and make it very plain that there is no pressure on them to go to to one or the other, and if anyone does give them pressure, tell me.

  2. For the time being, nobody talks to the children about religion outside of the presence of both myself and my wife. Basically I dont want them trying a bunch of sneaky crap behind my back.

  3. Lots of family time. I want to keep our relationship outside of spiritual matters as strong as possible.

  I just want our home to be a place where there is a free exchange of ideas. I want them to be aware that not everyone in their life agrees that the jws are the only way to have a relationship with God. I want them to feel free to make up there own minds when the time comes. I also am not directly an opposer. I still want to study and learn more about them. The truth is I cannot pick up a bible and explain why they are wrong. Any jackass can criticize. To be taken seriously you have to be able to state your case, and offer alternatives. I must be able to provide alternatives.

  Please give me any feedback you can here. What am I missing, what am I doing wrong? As ithinkisee's dad said, "They have seen 1000 guys like me before, they had me sliced and diced before I even knew what hit me." But you guys have them sliced and diced. Thanks so much for all you do. You help us get honest insight into the jw world.
• 

  Mamacat

  How old are your children?
  
  
  I think your guidelines are a good start. You might want to agree to let the kids decide about celebrating holidays, or insist they will be celebrated no matter what.
  
  
  Please never get soft on your stance. My dad is a Non-JW, and at first he was very opposed to us going to the meetings. Over the years, he became just annoyed and finally passive. It became to where he would even tell me to go to the meetings to keep my mom quiet, and I no longer could confide in him about my feelings toward what I was being taught.
• 

  Check_Your_Premises

  Yes the thing I have come to realize is that my wife has a need to believe in this stuff. She needs to hear someone has all the answers. She has been through some trauma in her life, and I am in the process of understanding what is contributing to her need.

  The children on the other hand will not be so harmed (hopefully) and NEED to believe this. That is what makes me hopeful. As long as I can provide a good alternative, they will choose the most sensible.
• 

  Check_Your_Premises

  How old are your children?

  Oldest girl 12 - she goes to all the meetings, which are strictly voluntary right now, for about 3 years.

  9yr boy - Could really care less, like most boys. Loves his momma, and doesn't want to dissapoint. His sister tries to lean on him to go, but when I catch her doing it I jump on her. Wife tried leaning on him a couple times, I jumped on her also.

  2yr girl - She is the one I feel most optimistic about. She will come up in a completely alternative view. The other two got nothing but wt garbage for the last 3 years.

  It just took me some time to wise up and see it for what it is.
• 

  AlmostAtheist

  Sounds like a good plan. It's good that you'll be attending the meetings, too. Be sure to take notes and be ready to discuss the meeting afterwards. Depending on how your wife reacts, you could ask, "Did you hear the speaker mention that blood transfusions are wrong? Why did he say that? Do you agree with that?" or for that matter, "The speaker mentioned 'paradise' today. What did he mean? Do you think that's correct?"

  Giving them a chance to say whether they agree or not, and why, will build critical thinking in them. You don't have to agree or disagree necessarily, it will be a great boost in the right direction for them to simply be asked to form an opinion. JW's aren't allowed to have opinions, their opinions are dictated to them by the bOrg. Maybe the conversations will help your wife form some opinions, too.

  That's not just at the Kingdom Hall. Do the same thing at the other churches you attend. When Zach (my 6-year-old) is watching TV, I ask him to help me find the lies in commercials. "Did they just lie?" he'll ask, when some claim is made. He's becoming a critical thinker.

  A family Bible study where you discuss scriptures in context might be useful, too.

  All of this is alot of work, but it will surely be worth it in the end.

  Dave
• 

  M.J.

  *** w02 8/15 pp. 30-31 Questions From Readers ***

  Questions

  From Readers

  What

  guidance do the Scriptures provide about child training when one parent is one of Jehovah?s Witnesses and the other is not?

  Two key Scriptural principles provide guidance about child training for a Witness parent who has a non-Witness mate. One is: "We must obey God as ruler rather than men." (Acts 5:29) The other is: "A husband is head of his wife as the Christ also is head of the congregation." (Ephesians 5:23) The latter applies not only to wives with Witness husbands but also to those with non-Witness mates. (1 Peter 3:1) How can a Witness parent balance these principles when teaching his or her children?

  If the husband is one of Jehovah?s Witnesses, he is responsible for making both spiritual and physical provisions for his family. (1 Timothy 5:8) Although the unbelieving mother may spend more time with their children, the Witness father should teach his children by giving spiritual training at home and by taking them to Christian meetings, where they will benefit from moral instruction and wholesome association.

  What if his unbelieving wife insists on taking their children to her place of worship or teaching them her beliefs? The law of the land may give her the right to do so. Whether the children are enticed into acts of worship at such places may depend much on the quality of the father?s spiritual teaching. As the children grow older, the Scriptural education by their father should help them to follow the truth of God?s Word. How happy the believing husband would be if his children were to take their stand for the truth!

  If the mother is one of Jehovah?s Witnesses, she has to respect the headship principle while being concerned about her children?s eternal welfare. (1 Corinthians 11:3) In many cases, her unbelieving mate will not mind if his Witness wife gives moral and spiritual education to their children, and help toward that end is available at meetings of Jehovah?s people. The mother can help her unbelieving husband to see the benefits of the upbuilding education that their children receive through Jehovah?s organization. She can tactfully emphasize the merit of inculcating the Bible?s moral principles in their children, faced as they are with living in a morally deteriorating world.

  However, the unbelieving husband might insist that his children practice his religion, taking them to his place of worship and giving them religious education according to his faith. Or a husband may be opposed to all religion and insist that his children receive no religious education. As the head of the family, he is the one primarily responsible for making the decision.

  While respecting her husband?s headship, as a dedicated Christian, the believing wife would bear in mind the attitude of the apostles Peter and John, who said: "As for us, we cannot stop speaking about the things we have seen and heard." (Acts 4:19, 20) Out of concern for the spiritual welfare of the children, a Witness mother will find opportunities to provide moral direction for them. She has a responsibility before Jehovah to teach others about what she knows to be true, and her children should be no exception. (Proverbs 1:8; Matthew 28:19, 20) How can the Witness mother deal with the dilemma?

  Take for example the matter of belief in God. The Witness wife may not be able to have a formal Bible study with her children because of her husband?s restrictions. Should she for this reason shy away from telling her children anything about Jehovah? No. Her words and deeds would naturally reflect her belief in the Creator. Her children would no doubt have questions on the subject. She should feel free to exercise her freedom of religion by expressing her belief in the Creator, including to her children. Even if she may not be able to conduct a Bible study with the children or take them to meetings regularly, she can impart to them knowledge about Jehovah God.?Deuteronomy 6:7.

  Concerning the relationship between a Witness and his or her unbelieving mate, the apostle Paul wrote: "The unbelieving husband is sanctified in relation to his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified in relation to the brother; otherwise, your children would really be unclean, but now they are holy." (1 Corinthians 7:14) Jehovah views the marital relationship as holy because of the believing mate, and the children are considered holy in Jehovah?s eyes. The Witness wife should do her best to help her children to understand the truth, leaving the final outcome in Jehovah?s hands.

  As the children grow older, they have to decide what stand they will take based on the information they have received from their parents. They may decide to act in accord with Jesus? words: "He that has greater affection for father or mother than for me is not worthy of me." (Matthew 10:37) They are also commanded: "Children, be obedient to your parents in union with the Lord." (Ephesians 6:1) Many youths have decided to ?obey God as ruler? rather than a non-Witness parent, despite suffering hardship from that parent. How rewarding it would be to the Witness parent to see the children decide to serve Jehovah in spite of opposition!

  [Footnote]

  The wife?s legal right to free practice of religion includes her right to attend Christian meetings. In some cases, a husband has been unwilling to care for minor children at those times, so the loving mother was obliged to take them with her to the meetings.
• 

  Jez

  I have found that just offering an alternative, showing them an alternative, is often enough to refute the 'wonderfulness' of JWs. It becomes very clear. When they are old enough, they make the right choice. Perhaps as they get older, you can get them thinking on their own about the bible and how you view it. I don't think you should be afraid to teach your children YOUR beliefs. Bring in other beliefs from around the world, make it a fun event, talk about greek mythology, native culture, just try to make your house a place that is respectful of whatever journey others are on spiritually. Knowledge is power.

  Jez
• 

  Wolfgirl

  I think you are being very reasonable. I have one suggestion. Instead of studying with them to find out what they are all about (and thereby subjecting yourself to rather "sneaky" brainwashing), just check out quotes from all their literature here:

  http://quotes.watchtower.ca/

  I assure you, that is all legit. That is a much easier way to find out what they teach on many subjects. And it's faster. Then decide where to go from there.
• 

  Scully

  This is a long shot, but have you ever thought of writing to Dr Phil about this? It's an important issue with the potential to drive a wedge in your family. The JW publications that are written for children are full of propaganda that sends the message "Obey us or die".

  Dr Phil is a huge advocate for doing what is in the best interests of children. Let him be a voice for your kids. Maybe if your wife hears it from a professional, and not just from you, it may help her realize that she's in a dangerous religion.
• 

  Check_Your_Premises

  Actually I have studied with them on and off for about 3 years. I went through the knowledge book, the "God's word or Man's" book, and Some of the "Draw Close to Jehovah" book.

  I think I know exactly what they are, and what they are about. I know alot about their history. I have the 1917 version of "Finished Mystery" coming to me in the mail.

  Like I said though, I couldn't sit down with the Bible (their and my foundation for truth) and explain why what they are teaching is wrong. That is an important point. I can't say, "they are wrong because of 1914". They will say "but the Bible shows that we are the true religion, that doesn't matter". I have to be able to give reasonable alternative explanations for their Biblical interpretations. They will never agree, but my children will benefit. I don't have a problem with all their doctrine either.

  95% of my objection is with a single doctrine:

  "We are the faithful and discreet slave appointed by Jesus to watch over all his belongings"

  Don't worry about me getting brainwashed. I am actually fairly up to speed on what they do and why it works. That is the reason I am so terrified of my children's participation. As long as they don't NEED to believe this stuff they should be fine. My wife does. It is a cruel fact of life that past abuse makes future abuse more likely, not less. Thus, splash!