Hey troubled,
It sounds like you could've written my journal 2-3 years ago. I had a horrible case of double vision, as I termed it, and there just wasn't any way of getting rid of it. Was I falling out of the truth because I was allowing myself to dislike the meetings and writing style of the publications, or was I disliking the meetings and magazines because I recognized subconsciously the witnesses did not have the truth? And could I trust myself to judge which of the two cases was correct, knowing full well that I had been taught that human judgement was falliable and not to be trusted? I couldn't see any way to resolve it, and it was driving me crazy (somewhat literally).
I finally decided to step back and re-assess what I really, truly believed in. It wasn't a very long list, and went something like:
1) People should be nice to each other.
2) If I only believe something because someone else tells me I should (no matter who that person or organization is), then I don't really believe it.
3) Likewise, if I choose to completely doubt my own judgement and abdicate decision-making on what I think and do to someone else (no matter who that may be), I have still made a choice. (Thanks, Rush.)
4) People should be nice to each other.
At the time, I felt as if I had dug into the foundations of my rock-solid convictions and fallen out into a hole in the sky. Realizing that there were still a few things that I truly felt, deep down, helped a little.
Wish I had some better advice to share with you. It does get better... it just takes a while. Hang in there.
-T.