In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the
United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and
overpopulated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another
Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the
Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his
yard ... but no ark.
"Noah," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed.
-I needed a building permit.
-I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler
system.
-My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by
building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.
-We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
-Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for
the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead
obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I
argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem.
-There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to
save the owls. But no go!
When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights
group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their
will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and
it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd
conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to
hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to
finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to
destroy the world?".
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."