Jesus Was Goth!

by ColdRedRain 6 Replies latest jw friends

  • ColdRedRain

    The Proof

    * Jesus never referred to himself as goth. Everyone knows the gothest thing someone can do is deny he/she is a goth (case in point: Andrew Elritch and The Sisters of Mercy).

    * He is referred to as Lord Jesus. Even to this day, people call him Lord Jesus, much like other gothlings go by titles such as Lord Ashtoroth, or Lord Wolfbane. It wasn't so cheesy, in the beginning....

    * He was mocked by "normals." Even the gothest goth of them all was made fun of by ignorant rednecks and trendies.

    * Jesus was obsessed with death. Yes, he lived and breathed it, to to speak. He hung out in tombs with dead guys like Lazarus. He also spent time with lepers.

    * Jesus was secretly a vampire. At his last supper he said, "This cup means the new covenant by virtue of my blood." Transubstantiation is nothing but a fancy spell that changes wine into real blood! After all, how else could Jesus promise eternal life? In addition, when Jesus was up on the cross, the sun went dark so he wouldn't get those nasty sunburns vamps are so prone to.

    * He was always depressed. Think about it. What real Goth is ever happy? With all the exciting masochistic stuff he went through, is it any wonder that "Jesus wept?" He was, after all, known as the "man of sorrows."

    * Jesus was a great dresser. C'mon now. He might not have worn black all the time, but just take a close look at all those pictures we see of Christ. He wore long flowing robes, looking positively ethereal in white, or sombre in blood red. He wasn't afraid to pull gender-benders, either, which proved very influential to the San Francisco goth scene. He tended to wear a lot of dresses and skirts, yet somehow still look both undeniably male and sexy!. And check out the fashion accessories. A crown of thorns or funeral shroud are the epitome of angst-fashion.

    * He went to the coolest clubs and dens of iniquity. Jesus hung out with the real "alternative" crowd of the time. His buddies were tax-collectors, fetishists, and women of ill-repute. He also literally hung around with murderers (check out the cross scene), once again showing his fascination with death.

    * Christ surrounded himself with goth chicks. Mary Magdalene and Veronica were two of the first goth-chicks, but Jesus also has a horde of gothic groupies. How else would you describe all those nuns/brides of Christ? They wear all black and white, and are heavy into crosses, rosaries, and the contemplation of holy masochism.

    * He had the gaunt look down pat. You have to admit, few pictures you've ever seen of the guy had him rosy-cheeked and robust. The man was positively scrawny and white. He had cheekbones from Hell, and even his hipbones stuck way out.

    * He was big on crucifixes. Crosses are very goth. Jesus liked them so much that he would occasionally carry a huge one around with him. He was somewhat partial to ankhs too!

    * Christ was into body piercing. He only did it a few times, but what a statement he made with his piercings! He had a huge-guage piercing gun zap his hands, feet, and side. To top it all off, he did it all in front of an audience, making him one of the first performance artists. Here's a picture of his stage-hands helping him set up for his first piercing act.

    * Jesus was fascinated with the occult. When Jesus wasn't hanging around with whores and lepers, he was often out consorting with demons. He liked to find people possessed with evil spirits so that he could order the demons around. Once he even told a bunch of demons to go live in a herd of swine. To top it all off, he even went comparison shopping with Satan once. Here he is dissing the devil.

    * He spent time in tombs. Like I mentioned before, he hung out with Lazarus in one once, but there's much more to it. He once pretended to be dead for three days so that he could sleep in one. How goth can you get? I'll bet you never lived in a tomb. Only Christ, vampires, and Poppy Z. Brite characters get to do that.

    * Jesus knew how to party. Once he went to this wedding where everyone was a bunch of tight-asses. All they wanted to drink was water, but he fooled them. He went and switched wine (or was it absinthe?) for the water! Voila! Instant party!

    * Jesus was into kinky domination and submission. Okay, we all know that he liked to hang out with harlots. That's been quite established, even by the most zealous of right-wing Christians. But what did the big C do with these lovely ladies of the night? Well, he had them wipe his feet with their hair and tears. And let's not forget what he did to the moneychangers in his Dad's temple!

    * He was into fishnet. Jesus rarely went anywhere without his trusty fishnet. Occasionally, he would get a bit sick of it, and would throw it overboard while boating, but one of his disciples would always give it back to him. Of course, the disciple would clean all the fish out of it first.

    Off Days

    Admittedly, Jesus wasn't always the epitome of gothdom. He had his off days too. Just chalk it up to being human like the rest of us.

    * Jesus sometimes wore ugly clothes.Yes, it's hard to believe, considering his penchant for style, but occasionally he would slip up and look like a tacky religious halo freak. Brr... What's with the laser-beam heart, anyway?

    His Legacy

    As you may or may not know, Jesus has been dead for a couple thousand years now. And maybe he wasn't aware of it, but he stirred up an awful lot of shit just goofing off and performing his daily miracles. The result of all this brouhaha? Christianity! Wow. Maybe in two thousand years you too will have a huge cult following.

    Christianity spawned even more children. If it wasn't for Jesus and his gang of followers, would "Jesus Christ" be a blasphemous phrase to utter loudly? Of course not! How about those Gothic cathedrals that are oh-so-moody? Nuh-uh. They wouldn't exist either. In fact, we probably wouldn't even have votive candles! A huge part of gothdom is based on Christendom. Food for thought, hmmm?

    In particular, much goth-related music has sprung from Jesus' lap. There is a lot of this kind of music. As a radio disc jockey, I have occasionally run all-Jesus programmes on the radio. Take a look at these play-list ideas....

  • Little Red Hen
    Little Red Hen

    Cold Red, LMAO! I always thought he was a Juggalo!

    He went to the coolest clubs and dens of iniquity

    Who would want to hang around a den of iquity, anyway?

  • Preston

    I'm sure he's a big Sisters of Mercy fan... I continues to amaze me that someone that much into death and body percings could possibly in reality be the source of so much worship and obsession from the white bread christian fundies...

    - Preston

  • upside/down


    u/d Laugh

  • Leolaia

    Paul was a goth too:

    "All of us who were baptised into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death. We are therefore buried with him through baptism into death... I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me...I die every day...To die is to gain. Some people have pierced themselves with many griefs" (Romans 6:3-4; Galatians 2:20; 1 Corinthians 15:31; Philippians 1:21; 1 Timothy 6:10).


  • jgnat

    I was about to reply NO WAY! Then I got to point four and five on your list, and the EVIDENCE IS IRREFUTABLE. Jesus was indeed goth. I didn't get to the bottom of the list, but you DID mention his piercings, did you not? He had to show them off, too.

  • devinsmom

    coldredrain, where did you get that from, or do you just have way too much time on your hands?

    Very interesting though I must admit-well done!

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