by snakeizz 11 Replies latest jw friends

  • snakeizz

    you guys i need help...please bear with as this is a rather long post...I had to give you guys the history of this....there still might be things I'm leaving out, but I'll explain in the future....

    my sister wants me to help her plan my parent's wedding anniversary party. They never celebrated it in the past because my dad is an idiot. My wife and I declined to assist because of the way they have treated us in the past and because of the preferential treatment given to my sister and my fathers 7 other children. I am the youngest of 9 (my father had a previous marriage) but I'm not treated as such. I have always been mature for my age, but they sometimes treat me as if i don't know what I'm doing. I am the only one of my father's children who doesn't have children out of wedlock. Everyone comes before me to them. My father has put his other children and even worldly strangers before me. He cosigned a car for my sister's felon "baby daddy"!.....but he didn't have the time to teach me how to drive, or help me get a car! He risked his losing family his position as a MS at the KH. and he risked getting DF'ed 3 times for letting other people (family, JW's my sister's worldly friends) live with us. Each time they would let the devil stay in our house and tear the little stability we had apart. My father never had time for me. By the time I was born, he was finished raising kids. But since I showed so much promise for the truth, they were really strict on me....until I finally came to my senses....

    anyway, my family was in real trouble when they let my sister's boyfriend stayed with us (the one he co-signed for)....it was only supposed to be for a night but it turned into a year.....she had gotten knocked up @ age 20.....the brothers privately reprooved her and warned my parents to get him out of our house....my father told the brothers that he as a christian could not kick a homeless man out of his home....but he finally buckled down and did it after my whole family wanted my sister's boyfriend's head and his freeloading days were over!.....no one liked him .....(this is in 98') anyway as the years go by, 2 more houseguests arrive....my aunts newly baptized loser fiance, and my fresh out of the slammer sister...I've had enough...so i tell my parents my high school sweetheart and i are moving in...she is not pleased and predicts nothing but doom...on moving day, my mother is lit up (yes she had a drinking problem) and talks really bad about us...my dad tells me i don't have his blessing and i will have the family curse (papa was a rolling stone) we didn't care....we had to leave our broken homes....( i was 21 when i moved...i lost my virginity @ 16....aso he should have been worrying YEARS ago!)

    to this day they are still waiting on a grandchild from us...so anyway....2003 was the year for weddings...me my friends and family are all getting married....my big brother and older sister couldn't stand to let lil' bro jump tha broom before them so they announce their weddings as well (my wife and i ahve been together the longest).....one in April and one in June...my dad says that he won't go or participate if they are in a church....my mother said they can go....but my dad dosen't want to do it if it is.....(he's ignorant like that) so...my sister changes her destination.... to a bar/ club!!!!!....and get this....my dad walks her down the aisle, and gives her away! he brags about it at the hall....and gets in trouble for it....so my mom makes the call to me 2 weeks before my wedding in August to break the news that unfortunately, "after doing some personal research and at the brothers urging, they won't be able to participate becuz of the pagan customs like liking the unity candles....which they would have been doing....and they don't know where those customs originated from...and it would be unbeffiting of a witness, and reproachable to Jehovah"...i knew it was too good to be true so i say..."sure ma"....and she says "do u want me to explain it to your wife?....i know she won't understand"...and i say "no need...i'll tell her"....she goes..."i knew u would, u know the truth"..i say "no...not exactly, i just have to respect your decision and what u believe in"....she's at a loss for words....so anyway, the wedding is BEAUTIFUL..we got married in a sanctuary but it looked like a church...it was inside of a conference center...the word sanctuary was not put on the invitations..the only people that probably had a problem with it were my parents...the other JW's in the family didn't mind at all.....but in the back of my mind i was really sad....i would think that just this once after all the good things i did, my parents would finally really be there for me....everyone comes before me....especially the religion...they put the convention before my 5th grade graduation which was held during the day...as many times as we ran late and drove straight to the hotel, missing the first day, they didn't feel i was important enough? My dad put the meeting before my 8th grade graduation...now i can't even get your support on the most important day of my life? And they always took my sister out to eat after she graduated and not me. Am I cursed?

    Just recently. I learned my sisters new car was purchased in their name!! Yet they criticized me when I went to a second hand car lot to get my first car which my wife helped me buy!!! Annd.....my sister was given a graduation party she didn't even want....when my grades and attendance were better than hers! So I was promised dinner and a gift from them for graduating. Still waiting on it. My mother is such a hypocrite..she gave me that pagan BS after she accepted gifts from her co-workers for Christmas AND from my wife and me for mother's day!! then months later say she doesn't celebrate mother's day!....and i'm still waiting on a wedding anniversary gift from them! they didn't have to give a dime for the wedding...it's just that my mother insisted that she would give us one.....i don't even care...it's just the principle...

    so i wanted to ask u all..should i feel guilty for not wanting to participate or buying a gift?....i mean i will attend (if my sister actually pulls this off....i sincerely doubt it) but they have wronged me too many times while justifying it....and they want me to be okay with it....but i feel i should have nothing to do with planning the event....and their age doesn't mean anything to me either because i went years without an apology..that just shows how pathetic it is...they should know better.....they don't even visit me over here, yet they are always over my sister's house. It's like in the beginning they thought this was the house of sin...because we weren't married at first.... I can count on one hand the times they have been by here....their hypocrisy and twisted religion has scarred me long enough....JW's always bend the rules when it's convenient for them......here's an excerpt of what my sister said to my wife..i would never let her bear the load of taking care of them alone! That's fine about the party. I know what some of his issues are, not all of them..but I have had some of the same issues with them too. I just figure that life is too short and when they are gone, it will be too late to try to resolve them. They're both in their 60's and I think it's jacked up that I'm going to be the only one out of everyone that will be doing anything for them. When they're sick it'll be the same. Why doesn't he confront my mom 1 on 1? Sorry, this just kind of took me by surprise..I'll just drop it.

  • under74


    I guess I wouldn't feel guilty...but then again I know how family can make you feel that way even if you shouldn't.

    Now this is just my opinion but maybe some time and space (e.g. not be part of the planning stages of family events) might help two things: 1. you, to truly live your own life without the constant guilt trips looming over your head. 2. Perhaps your family might start to see you for the adult (one that doesn't let petty jealousy and unwarranted guilt get to you) you are and come to terms with it.

    Just my opinion. Hope everything works out.

  • Golf

    Snakeizz, interesting reading. Let me begin by saying, my oldest daughter is 41 years old and she's a witness. In fact, she lives next door in my building. I'm telling you this because I'm not talking through my hat.

    My question to you is, how do you feel? What do you and the Mrs want to do? Both of you should sit down and discuss this situation and make up your minds, then, follow through on your decision.

    I'm sorry to hear how you have been treated. Once again, discuss this matter with your mate and follow through on your decision. Remember, you now have YOUR OWN FAMILY! So, who comes first?


  • frenchbabyface

    Well I don't know ... your relationship with your parents is weird (a bit like mine somehow) it seems that anybody is more important, more in need or whatever even if not true and truly visible) to them when you ask for a little attention ... I STILL DON'T GET IT ...

    I guess I just wouldn't go ... (if it's to feel unwanted or unloved, or used for the occasion ... why ?)

    One of my sister got married while DF'ed invited my mother who was DF'ed. Came to my house with his futur husband that I knew already a few weeks before telling me she was about getting married with all the details, leave me that day without any invitation even call me before because she was nervous and came back after her wedding to show me some pics and details (... no explanation, no apology, nothing .... UH ??? ... I didn't say anything, didn't even asked why ... I guess I'm getting used to my familly weirdness with me ! (and it was the only and the last sister wedding I eventually could attempt as my other sisters married without telling or too far away and didn't invite me anyway)

    Actually one of my longuest friend (Rose) did exactly the same (and the city hall was almost right in front of my windows ... she came to see me the next day (as I was her best friend ... LOL ... can you believe it ?) (... no explanation, no apology, nothing .... weird stuff : Rose and my sister are born the same day, the same year ... again I didn't say anything ... it's too big (it have to be incouscious somehow to dare to come to see me the day after). Maybe she was expecting me to slap her verbally (so that she feels ok with it ... I didn't ... it was just very pleasant to see how embarrassed she was, and stayed about it ...)

  • Golf

    FBF, it's mind boggling to experience what you have experienced. These people are YOUR 'friends' and 'family' members? With friends like that, who needs enemies?

    My only friend is my wife, the rest are acquaintances. My wife and I have a great relationship with our children, we're family.

    You have my sympathy and understanding.


  • frenchbabyface

    Golf : With friends like that, who needs enemies?

    Right ... and Thanks for the sympathy Guest77 ...

    Actually I do considere all my friends, accointances and enemies the same way (people with failures - just like me) ... Those I call my friends are those I can tell I know them (a bit more than accointances = people I shared a lot with short term long term) nothing to do with friendship in fact ... I've been disappointed too many times ... I'm used to it now ... (no label ... tomorrow is another day).

  • Aude_Sapere

    I don't think I would participate in much. Maybe show and and then help clean up *if* I was still there when the party was over.

    My experience with parent's anniversary:

    I was 19. We had just moved across country. I had a full time job and their anniversary was coming up. I made reservations to take the entire family (6 of us) to a real nice restaurant. It was going to cost me just over a full week's take-home pay.

    We always did a small family celebration on their anniv date but this year I wanted to make special. I was the oldest kid and had a full time job.

    The night before their anniversary, my parents got in to a HUGE argument over something. I never knew what that was about - the were always arguing - but this one was huge. Day of their anniv they were still screaming, crying, slamming doors, smacking kids. It was really terrible.

    About 4 hours before we were supposed to leave, I cancelled the reservations.

    THEN I told my parents they were cancelled.

    I think my dad was relieved.

    My mom remimded me about that for 20 years. I was such an ungrateful daughter. How dare I ruin *her* special day. The only thing *she* is allowed to celebrate!!!

    (Forget that us kids had nothing to celebrate. Just their miserable marriage and Jesus' death.)

    Sorry for my rant. I want to spit when I think about planning hypocritical events. Maybe I'm not the most rational person to comment on your situation.

    Sorry!! -Aude.

  • orangefatcat

    I feel your frustration in this situation. Your family sounded almost like mine. All my other sisters got things and were given support and help monatarily. The others girls could do no wrong. May be because I am the oldest that I got treated that way. I have seen my parents go all the way to Quebec city to help my sister with her children when my sister's husband was injured in an accident at work. They even brought back to Ontario my sisters boy to look after him. I lived next door to my parents and when I was sick my mother and father wouldn't help us out one bit. Mom said hire someone or get someone in the Kingdom Hall to help you. There were times I just wanted to scream because it was if I never existed. I always attributted to my parents that they considered me to be a black sheep. Yet my mother got pregnant with me when she was 15yrs old and I truly believe that seeing me day to day was a reminder of what she did by getting pregnant and not having a adolescent. grow up stage where she could hang around here girl friends. She had diapers to change and I think she has always resented me for that. And my father too. He treated me like crap for years. He was an alcoholic prior to becoming a witness and my mother was a beatnik and drug user. I just guess I crimpt their style. All the other sisters could do no wrong. They of course where little angels. If their was someone to blame it was me that was at fault. My one sister has borrowed money from my folks and they never batted an eye about it. I'd ask for 10.00 and you'd think I was asking for 1000s. I could never really understand. There were two occasions my father and mother would have nothing to do with me. One was because I was fat. I w as a pig and a glutton and an embarresment to the family so my dad said I wasnt welcome in their home until I lost weight. Like a jerk I pleaded with them not to do this to me. It was cruel. And fu rther more it was false. But for them I lost over 100 pounds just to see them. I must have been desperate for their approval. And during this time I had lost a baby I was four months pregnant, and guess what they showed up at the hospital in Montreal. I thought just maybe their consciences were bothereing them. Oh the part of being fat is true, but I wasn't anything else like they said I was. My father said he had witnesses who would gladly go to the committee and tell them that I w as a fat pig and a glutton and I asked them who were my accusers. Father dearest said he didn't have to say. But it was okay for them to shatter me and my life. You'd think that doing this once to me was bad how about several years after that episode my parents wouldn t talk to me again for a few years even though we lived next door to one another. He my dad didn't like the fact that my neighbours invited me over to have a cold beer with them. I like people and I liked my neighbours. And my father would say I was not being a good e xample of a Christian and it was bad association. Because of that I continued to piss them off, I was n't going to allow them to do what they did to me when I lived in Montreal. But it didn't work it was over two yrs before they spoke to me. Oh they would talk to my e x husband and sometimes their cute grandson but that was it. My father even would come and get my ex husband and take him out to breakfast. It was his way of spying on my. As I found out latter my ex was as cruel and a liar as well. He lied about me to my parents just to suck up to them and make himself look good and me a villian. . My boy wouldn't even go to grandma's next door because he said that they loved their other grandchildren more than him. It was a devestation for such a little boy. I hated my parents for it. In fact my second sister talked to my parents about their cruelty to me, but it went on deaf ears.

    So truly I feel your deep pain and anguish. Parents can be so cruel. I hit the jack pot with mine. I can not nor ever will understand why they were this way to me. They were happy I pioneered, becasue that is what they wanted me to do. I didn't want to do it. But to please them I did it.

    I spent 7 year in psychiatric care learning that it wasn't my fault at all, but it was theirs.

    Towards the last several year before my father died. He tried to make some amends. You see my family didn't know me or didn't care to know that I was a good person and I thank God over and over again for having the most wonderful grandmother any one would want. She kept me evenly keeled. And she was not a witness. She was a beautiful Christian who put my parents to shame.

    When she was dying my father saw what I was made off . I stayed by my grandma's sick bed day after day making sure she was comfortable and being taken care of in the hospital. My father said to me one day, would you stay late and make sure grandma gets her bath and gets into bed. My mother didn't have the strength he said to stay longer at the hospital as she was n't feeling well she was tired. I told my father, that no one has to ask me to be at grandma's side. As I wouldn't leave until she was asleep. She was in the hospital in Toronto and I lived in Newmarket about 45 minutes from the hospital she was in. It was I think at this point and time my dad saw what I was like and made off and he had missed it for so many years because of the way he and mom treated me. They were wonderful example of JWs. ( I am being sarcastic here.)

    Dear friend keep a stiff upper lip and don't let anyone ever put you down or make you feel like a piece of you know what. Your a w onderful son and it's your fathers faullt that he tried to treat you like your a nobody.

    Be true only to yourself and your heart. Because you will never win their approval. Keep strong and be happy to yourself and you wife. Just maybe some day they may realize that they made a huge mistake. Or til hell freezes over.

    all the best to you.

    Love Orangefatcat.

  • JustTickledPink

    I do believe you could participate in the planning, help pay for expenses, buy a wonderful gift, and you might not even get a thank you out of it. People don't change much

    If I was in your shoes, I would attend, but not participate.. .being pagan you don't want to "taint" their celebration!!!

    Good luck to you and I wish you the best.

  • outnfree

    I'm with Pink. Go to the celebration, but do not assist in the planning and don't bother with a gift. Maybe just a nice card.

    It seems to me that there are HUGE boundary issues here. Perhaps sit down with your wife and decide NOW between the two of you just how much contact you are going to allow your parents to have with you and with any children you may have. If association with your parents makes you feel sad, hurt, angry most of the time, then why give them that power? It sounds as though you and your wife have a very good relationship, so hang on to her (and her family, if they are less dysfunctional) and your mutual friends. You don't really need blood relatives to have "family" in this world. Stick by those who stick by you and make you feel happy about yourself and your choices.


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