New Search Engine Will Be Faster Than Google
By Tammy Swan
BROOKLYN, NY - The Watchtower Bible and Tract Society, also known as Jehovah's Witnesses, will soon launch their own web search engine and free email service. It is called Giggle, which is an acronym for "Good Information; God's Gift for Life Everlasting." This new service, faster than every other search engine on the market today, is expected to be installed on about a million computers owned by Jehovah's Witnesses in the United States alone. They are hoping for many other converts to their web service through their door-to-door preaching activity.
Said Watchtower Society representative, Chick Braenatdedor, "We got to thinking about the success of Google and wondered what we could do along those same lines. For years we have encouraged our members not to go onto the Internet, but it has become clear that many do this anyway. We felt that if we provided safe places for our members to go online, then they could use the Internet without worry."
Critics have questioned if this system violates Google's patent. Braenatdedor responded, "No, this is entirely new technology and doesn't violate any patent. Google was our inspiration for this invaluable service, however.
"Google is really very good at finding the right information," Braenatdedor continued. "But we wanted a search engine that wasn't as good. We wanted it to display our information; information approved by our Governing Body. For us, that makes it better than Google."
Dr. Hans van Oltna, Ph.D. of computer science at MIT, managed to get an advance copy of the tool. He and his students extensively analyzed the inner workings of the program. When pressed, Dr. van Oltna admitted that Giggle was faster than Google. "The new search engine will display misinformation much faster than Google can display real information. As for patent violations, I have to conclude that Giggle and Google are entirely different." He went on to say that Giggle was especially good at getting dates wrong.
Asked why these relative newcomers to the computer science field could create a system like this practically overnight, Dr. van Oltna explained, "You have to remember that these people have been doing this for 125 years. They are very good at it. They have just translated this ability into a search tool."
Braenatdedor announced, "It will not use ad rotators or pop-ups, but will flash subliminal messages on the screen at 1/100th of a second." According to Braenatdedor the Governing Body, the supreme high rulers of Jehovah's Witnesses here on earth, are still deciding which messages will be displayed. He assured us that former Jehovah's Witnesses critical of the new web tool were wrong about it being used for mind control and were just being big babies.
When asked about the email service, Braenatdedor commented, "It will provide one gigabyte of storage so that you never have to throw an email away. If you need to find a particular email from several months or years ago, just use our new search tool to find the correspondence.
"Our email system also provides new light filters already built in to the email system. It will filter out everything that isn't approved by the Watchtower Society. It is updated daily with the most recent changes in doctrine. This offers the member an extra layer of protection from information that may damage his or her relationship with Jehovah God."
Braenatdedor offered an example of the patented new light filter technology. "Say you get an email that talks about women not screaming when being raped. Months later, our doctrine changes to require women being raped to scream. Our patented technology will update the new light filters automatically. Now when you go to retrieve that email, you won't be able to access it any longer. It is still there; it is just filtered out. When our doctrine changes back to women not screaming, then you will be able to pull up that email once more.
"This offers our devotees a level of safety not available in other religions. We are the only religion to offer this feature." Braenatdedor added, "It is particularly useful when a married couple wants to know if they can have oral sex."
But when asked if it was true that the system wouldn't allow emails to be sent to police containing the phrases "child abuse," "child molester," or "pedophile" Braenatdedor quickly ended the interview.
This system will soon be available to Jehovah's Witnesses worldwide and the general public soon after. Both men and women can use the service, but due to "spousal controls" built into the system, women will have to get permission from their husbands prior to using it. Giggle will be provided free of charge, but any donations to the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society will be gratefully accepted.