Wow. After another mostly sleepless night, your posts amaze me. Every one of them has something in it for me to learn from, and I truly thank each of you for responding with your experiences and validating the hell I am going through. It means more than you can imagine.
Xandria, that post is so thorough and so thoughtful and kind I don't know how to thank you. I'm going to print it out and keep it where I can see it, likely even carry a copy in my purse. Thank you seems insufficient because I know you must've put a lot of time into your response, all I can say is that it is really helping me, and I'm grateful.
Sorry I forget who it was (no coffee yet) who suggested the lantern on the water, that sounds so beautiful. I am definitely going to have to look into doing something significant in my own way.
(sort of JW) sibling #2 the one who got yelled at by (extremely JW) sibling #1 yesterday echoed immediately my worries about what was going to happen to Grandma's remains. I want to be sure that she is properly laid to rest, my mother is saying "It doesn't matter what happens to her ashes, Jehovah doesn't need them to make her again." ! I was horrified to think that they may actually just throw them away! Part of my panic attacks the past few days is not knowing where she is. I know she's not in that body anymore, regardless if there is life after death I know she's not feeling pain or anything...I just have to know where she is and what will be done.
I enlisted the help of (not JW) BIL to call the JW family and ask what is going to be done with her ashes. Relatives seemed not to have a clue what to do with them, he told me, and he suggested that I call someone and express my wish that she be scattered by Grandfather's grave which is very close to my home. That would mean so much because then I could go there, tend the site (JW family has never been back to the grave since he was buried more than 20 years ago!)
Of course, no one has returned my phone call.
Which brings me to a question, does anyone know specifically why JW's don't believe in visiting graves? Someone asked me and I can't seem to remember if there was a specific command not to do it, if they consider it ancestor worship or what, so if anyone has a reference, could you share it please?
Balsam, I am very grateful to my friend for her offer (she is an ex-jw too) but she knows my entire family very well, and she doesn't care who says what she doesn't want me to walk in there without her and my husband to support me, at least. She's a gem.
Part of me wants to believe so much that Grandma is now with Grandpa somewhere safe and happy and that they're with the babies that I lost to miscarriage (the ones that elders told me had "no future in the eyes of God." That idea brings me the most comfort but somehow it feels like I'm trying to convince myself of a fairytale. I don't get any comfort from the resurrection either because of all the jw baggage that accompanies it; I just don't want to accept that as powerful a force for good as my Grandmother was (is?) that her light could just go out.
I know that my grandmother was very bothered by the relatives hardline attitude on shunning me, even in times of family emergency and illness. She knew what my first marriage was like, and I know that she worried a lot less about me with my second husband because she knew I was happy with him. She wanted to convert him too but she was never, ever pushy and she loved him as he was.
The more I think about her, the more I think that if there is such a thing as a true Christian, she was it. She was the kind of Christian that Jesus wanted people to be.
Thank you again for listening...