by Fleur 14 Replies latest jw friends
"If I gave up my faith now, I would not know who I am."
I think this, and fear of losing family and friends keeps many 'in'. "Not knowing who I am" equals..."Where would I go, what would I believe? I'll stay in my comfort zone....I'm safe there".
Gumby
Finally she just looked at me with this very scary blank stare and said, "If I gave up my faith now, I would not know who I am."
BINGO. This says it for so many JWs. My dad, my step-mom, siblings, all of my old friends. For some of those people it would be better that they stay right where they are. The shock of Reality would be more than they are capable of bearing. I truly feel sad for them. I wish I could do something, but their escape has to be THEIR'S...not mine.
I have waited to come back to this thread because I wanted to read it properly to do it justice. Rarely has anyone expressed exactly how I feel, and said it much better than I .
And the meter is running on your life. Every day (and this may sound morbid) none of us know what is going to happen. Don't die knowing that you never really lived.
Live now. Don't waste another day. If you love someone, tell them. If you need to move up, move out, or move on, do it.
When, like me you learn in your 50's that your entire life has been spent chasing a dream that will never come true : and in fact it was all a big fat lie , then it is a horrible experience . Thankfully, most of us have not suffered the traumas and abuse that some have done, growing up in the "truth", but we all suffer - by lost time, by opportunities foregone , and by the consquences of wrong decisions taken because we 'knew the New World was around the corner"
Some people waste their lives in jail and wth drugs etc, others waste it in the Borg.
Going back to your grandmother though, her life was not wasted. You said
She has loved and been loved by many
Despite the doctrines, Thats really living!
I think this is a moving thread, even the title is great.
((((((E))))))) thanks
Brummie
Some people waste their lives in jail and wth drugs etc, others waste it in the Borg.Going back to your grandmother though, her life was not wasted. You said
She has loved and been loved by manyDespite the doctrines, Thats really living!
Bluesbrother, you are exactly right. I know that her life has not been wasted because, if for no other reason, (though there are many others) she made me feel loved when I was a child, something that only she and my grandfather gave a care about trying to do; she was, and is, my hero. She always has been. So wise about so many things, she's kind of like, dare I say it, Yoda? I just can't imagine that strength going out and ceasing to exist, though that may be coming quickly.
Mostly she's been my hero because she lives her life with strength and endurance; she also never waited for others (or god) to step in when someone was ill, or broke, or their child needed clothing. She saw a need, she filled it. And she did so quietly, and often.
That is an inspiration to me, whether she had spent her life as a JW or not. I didn't mean to say she wasted her whole life, she's done so much more good than any 10 average people combined in her years. Any person should be inspired by her, regardless if she was a JW or any other faith, or no faith at all.
I just wish she was getting a better deal in the end, you know? She's suffering still. If there was a god I can't believe he'd let someone that dedicated their whole life to his service suffer this way. That is what really, really torments me.
I have always done all I can to show love to her and be the granddaughter I wanted to be. To me, the greatest sadness of leaving the Borg was knowing how much it hurt her, and I often have said that if I was ever going to go back to make peace and get reinstated just for that sake, it would be for my Grandmother. But I just haven't been able to bring myself to do that, and it hurts to know that she will die disappointed with me.
She knows how much I love her, and my (never a jw) husband too. We begged her to come live with us last year when she was ill previously. She didn't; but she cried and told my mother that of all of her many grandchildren, all JW's except for me, that I was the only one who made the offer, and she knew we meant it. I hope that counts for something.
Thanks again for your kindnesses everyone. They are a comfort to me. Getting info on her condition out of my JW family is like pulling teeth, but infection was setting in viciously last time I talked to them. Every time the phone rings, I go through the roof. I feel helpless because I have no legal right to take any action on her behalf; and all I can do is wait, and keep loving her.
(((((((((bluesbrother, brummie))))))))))))
essie
