Unfortunately, absolutely I was still a believer. I had doubts but those were always eliminated by the "light is getting brighter", "the people in the organization are imperfect, but the organization is still perfect", etc.
I feel that this was very largely due to a lack of self-esteem, but fortunately down the road another big bomb was dropped on me by my very close-minded brother. After the birth of my first child, despite me feeling like a piece of sh*t useless df'd person (sorry, just being honest), my wife was still a JW and my brother reminded me that despite my wife still being a good person, that because I was the head of the household, if I didn't go back and get reinstated, my son would die at Armageddon.
It hit me like a ton of bricks........ the supreme being/intelligence, the highest form of love in the universe would not do something so terrible to someone so beautiful and innocent. (Never mind the fact that anybody who knows my NOW ex-wife, knows that I was NEVER the head of the household..... lol )
I knew then that it was not the truth.
With no disrepect intended to my brother.... he's just who he is, but thank goodness that he was such a close-minded person who lacked understanding of what love is.
The rest of my life has been great....