Essex Disaster.

by Englishman 8 Replies latest social humour

  • Englishman


    A major Hurricane (Shazza) measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the
    early hours of Monday. Epicentre: Basildon, Essex, United Kingdom. Victims were seen
    wandering around aimlessly muttering "faaackin 'ell ...stone the bleedin' crows.."

    The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.
    Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish
    Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars
    were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro cheque arrived.

    Essex FM (County Radio Station) reported that hundreds of residents were
    confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that
    something interesting had happened in Basildon.

    One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 17-year-old mother of 5 said "It was
    such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom
    crying. My youngest two Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I
    was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."

    Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as
    normal.The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of
    Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

    Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large
    quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from
    Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.


    This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
    unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
    sought after, items most needed include:

    -- Fila or Burberry baseball caps
    -- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
    -- Shell suits (female)
    -- White sport socks
    -- Rockport boots
    -- Any other items usually sold in Primark.
    -- Designer label shades.

    Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
    Required foodstuffs include:

    -- Microwave meals
    -- Tins of baked beans
    -- Ice cream
    -- Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

    22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
    £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
    £5 will pay for a packet of B&H cigarettes and a lighter to calm the nerves of those
    affected. £24 buys a new satellite receiver dish.

    **Breaking news**

    Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in claret - 'Where are
    you bleeding from?' they asked - "ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that got to
    do wiv it?"


  • Soledad

    "faaackin 'ell ...stone the bleedin' crows.."


  • Angharad

    he he he that was good

  • xjw_b12

    Sure glad I don't live there. Sounds very bad. (designer shades)

  • ozziepost

    Remember the Dave Clark Five? They came out of Basildon.

    See, something interesting does happen there!!

    Cheers, ozzie (of the smartarse class)

  • Englishman

    Good grief!

    Some nameless person has moved me thread to another category!

    Bloody can never find one when you need one. Then 3 come along at once. Just like buses..

    alt Englishman.

  • kwintestal

    My heart goes out to any here affected by this disaster. I've just made a donation to the local chapter of the Red Cross of a case of Colt 45, wait...some guy with long greasy hair and no shoes just grabbed it and is running...gotta go!


  • fleaman uk
    fleaman uk

    Oi no need to be Es-sexist

  • ozziepost

    hey, eman, weren't me! I reckon it must be one of those amerrrrrcans who think we're joking!!!

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