Living in a divided home

by 24k 17 Replies latest jw friends

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  24k

  Let me start off by saying that I love my wife dearly. She is, and has always been my best friend. She is a devoted wife and a wonderful mother. I could not have asked for more. When we met, I was a faithful watchtower adherent and a ministerial servant. After we were married, I became an elder and we pioneered for several years together. However, a few years ago, I began to have serious reservations about my faith and the teachings of the wbts. I started to do some independant research and bible study, and came to feel that I did not have "the truth". Of course, my change in thinking was very difficult for my wife to understand. In fact, after a few tenative discussions, she refused to talk about it any further, and absolutely would not read any of the books or material I had used in my research, calling it apostasy. My religious views and thinking were now viewed with suspision. On one occasion, after praying that her and I could reach some sort of compromise together in spiritual matters, she refused to say amen to the prayer, viewing any compromise as sinful.

  All of this has, of course, been very hard to deal with. The complete lack of respect for my feelings and beliefs is astonishing to me. There is no thought given to the idea that I might be right and that these things might be worth at least investigating. I am simply an opposer who should keep his mouth shut. That sentiment is shared by both our families as well.

  The problem with trying to keep ones mouth shut, however, leads to its own set of difficulties. As you all know, the wbts's teachings touch every aspect of it's adherents lives. And so, trying to maintain a low profile is difficult while at the same time trying to adhere to one's own convictions. Things like the holidays, birthdays, extra curricular activities for your children, association with wordly friends, etc, all become sources of contention, not to mention salvaging a sense of spirituality together.

  So I guess my question is, how have all of you, who are living in divided marriages, dealt with the challenges? Have you been able to find compromises that seem to work? Are your mates willing to associate with your worldly friends and family?

  Sorry for the long winded post... 24k
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  BluesBrother

  Hello 24k... May I say that you are certainly not alone ..many of us live in similar circumstances, and it does make home life very difficult.

  My wife also is totally closed minded about the religion and cannot see why her once zealous husband no longer participates. in an effort to rationalize , I am "depressed", "unbalanced" or "crazy" . I do accept that it makes things harder for her and I can sympathize as she goes to meetings without having an elder husband who can arrange little things to help her and liase on her behalf. I do attend some meetings , so s to do something together as a couple.

  We just have to keep on going and hope that one day our partners will see the light.
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  Happy Guy :)

  It looks like you are in for some tough times. One thing I have noticed about your situation is that, if their are children involved, the non JW parent is not allowed to share their beliefs with the children i.e celebrate Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Birthdays, National holidays etc. If the non JW parent makes attempts to do so then the JW parent (most often with the support of the congregation) initiates a course of action designed to either force their will on the non JW parent or alternatively remove the non JW parent as a sourse of influence on the children (often by whatever means). Personally I can't see a democratic relationship of mutual respect for a divided couple in this situation. The JW either must see the light or the non JW must accept that tehy will be a second class member of the family with little or no rights. Sometimes, in rare situations, the JW is willing and prepared to lie and decieve the elders and congregation about what is going on in the household in order to allow the JW equal rights in decision making and parenting - problem with this is the household is constantly living in a lie and deception and the kids are told to keep secrets about birthdays and Christmas.
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  iiz2cool

  I am simply an opposer who should keep his mouth shut.

  One thing JWs don't really understand is freedom of religion. They apply it only to themselves. But your right to believe, or disbelieve, is equal to theirs. You have the same right to express your beliefs. They can't expect you to keep your mouth shut unless they're prepared to do the same thing.

  That being said, you should expect to have a severe strain on your marriage whether you choose to express your thoughts or not. My own marriage did not survive my leaving the organization. Hopefully you both can focus on the things you still have in common rather than your differences. And mutual respect is essential if the marriage is going to last.

  Walter
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  teejay

  Greetings, 24k, I feel your pain. I have been in the exact same situation as you for going on 7-8 years. In that time I have found very few answers. When one mate believes that the Creator of Heaven & Earth is dealing with them and them alone; and that every opposing thought or belief the other mate holds must therefore be at least false if not demon-inspired, then a compromise is virtually impossible, no matter how you go about trying to broker such a compromise.
  
  My wife, I believe, has doubts about her religion?she will allow any excuse to keep her from regular meeting attendance and her allotment of four or five magazines regularly pile up since she tends to be irregular in service?and is "blessed" with a heavy dose of natural stubbornness. In other words, while the religion's hold on her is not as strong as it once was on me, it's strong enough.
  
  I'd love to give you tips to a happier homelife, but I'm afraid I don't have any. I'm afraid the lights won't go on for my wife until something serious happens to her personally that triggers serious thought. That's the way it was for me. Till then...
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  kls

  Welcome to hell that is what it becomes when the two collide.After i did the quick fade and told my jw husband i had enough of the wt crap it was hell and yes i had small children at the time. They wanted to continue going to meeting and i kept my mouth shut till i could see they didn't want the jw life anymore. The Birthdays and other holidays came slow and were hard because my husband saw me as evil and evil was taking over the children and the children had a hard time because holidays are Pagan and wrong and the God will burn your eyes out if you participate . Eventually they found that the jws teaching are BS and holidays became fun and not scary
  
  
  
  
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  95stormfront

  I think you'll find that a lot of us here are dealing with life just as you described it with our perspective "trapped in the troof" JW spouses. Mine is much the same as yours. The WT as a guide to my faith was shattered not long after I was baptised. My wife had been baptised for a couple of years and I finally relented to having a study. It wasn't long after I was baptised that I realized that every decision made was filtered through the WTBS some kinda way and that control or my life and very future was slipping away. I felt that eveything I wanted to do......I damn near had to ask permission from our study partners as whether or not I could do anything. I made the change....the wife did not.

  The learning about the "real truth" about the borg came much later, after much trepidation, with a shakily typed in "Jehovahs- witnesses" on an internet search engine.

  Sharing anything negative about the organization was an absolute act of futility, even when it could be proven that they were flat out wrong and going way beyond what is actually written in the Bible, hence now, unless it affects me directly, I keep my comments about the org to a minimum and go into stoney silence which she has come to interpret as non-interest "I'm through with listening to you" when she talks of her "spiritual" activities.

  My wife also is totally closed minded about the religion and cannot see why her once zealous husband no longer participates. in an effort to rationalize , I am "depressed", "unbalanced" or "crazy" .

  My wife does something similar. She rationalizes that I'm "stumbled" because the elder body at the hall we used to go to together basically pronounced me a spiritual savage since I decided to go back to school and educate myself so that I could better support us.

  My wife, I believe, has doubts about her religion?she will allow any excuse to keep her from regular meeting attendance and her allotment of four or five magazines regularly pile up since she tends to be irregular in service?and is "blessed" with a heavy dose of natural stubbornness.

  I believe mine does too, but being the "grown up around the truth all her family is in it" dub she is, she'd be very loath and plain just will not let herself admit it. She also takes every opportunity to miss a meeting, service, or any assembly if I have some fun planned.....and boy....do I plan a lot.

  Recently I took her on a business trip with me and she packed her "meeting" cloths claiming that she'd go to a local service or maybe out in service one day while I was out. NEVER HAPPENED!!!! ...and I'd done absolutely nothing to get in her way.

  They wanted to continue going to meeting and i kept my mouth shut till i could see they didn't want the jw life anymore.

  I did the very same thing with my kids. The wife would always come home irritated that the kids were bored and were beginning to actually scoff at what they were hearing from the platform and expect me to "get on their case" to get them in line. I wouldn't, and when I'd finally see that they'd had enough, I'd intervene and make sure that their choice not to go to meetings were respected. We're empty nesters now, happily, so that isn't so much of a problem anymore.

  It took some time for my wife to see that I was not abandoning her or God, but, I was abandoning the blatherings of the old geezers in Brooklyn. I make it a point to confirm verbally my love for her everyday and she reciprocates, but as long as she clings to the WT organization as having the "truth", I know it'll always be the third person silent interference in our lives.
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  Carmel

  24k I sympathize with you in your situation. JWs are always condeming others for religious prejudice, at least they did when I was still associated. I no of no other group that has as much religious prejudice as they, yet they are totally blind to it simply by defining terms to meet their own need to reinforce their prejudicial beliefs. That blindness is so cleverly woven into the fabric of their lives and mental functions that every situation has a self-preserving answer that is usually pretty stupid, but is swallowed hook-lin-and-sinker by the r&f.

  I wish you the best and hope some emotional event will grab your wife's attention as a rational intellectual argument is like water on a duck's back.

  carmel
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  Poztate

  So I guess my question is, how have all of you, who are living in divided marriages, dealt with the challenges? Have you been able to find compromises that seem to work? Are your mates willing to associate with your worldly friends and family?

  NO There is no compromise with the WT. A true believer mate will DISCARD EVERYTHING IN LIFE to be true to their beliefs.
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  CoonDawg

  24K...First off, your post wasn't THAT long. Believe me, I've seen much longer and have probably written a few also. Having said that, I was married to my first wife for 8 years. She was disfellowshipped and since reinstated and remarried...to another JW. I too, remarried to a JW...but was already on my way to inactive oblivion. I am posting this because I want you to know that not every case is hopeless. My wife (the one I'm with now) is a JW...but she is also a very intelligent and independent career woman. In fact, she's back in college pursuing her master's degree. She attends some meetings and still believes it's "da troof"...but understands that "I ain't comin' back" and my reasons for that stand. She doesn't hassle me about meetings. I always let her know that if (on rare occasion) she does want to go, I will certainly not hinder her...I'll just do my own thing until she gets home. She's a pretty "liberal" JW. She tells me all the time that I'm her favorite heathen. Probably the hardest thing I had to tell her was why I still prayed with her at meals. No, it wasn't from spiritual yearning. I'm an atheist, I suppose, but my saying a prayer with her over meals was simply a matter of respect for her. She doesn't ask me to do it anymore, though I do sit respectfully while she says her own silently before she eats.

  It's not a perfect situation, but overall, we are happy and our love transcends a difference of opinion on this subject. My wife is a mature and smart lady. It's just not worth giving up what we do have together over a quibble about religion.

  Hang in there if you can.

  Ern