Problems with JW daughter-in-law

by QCA1 16 Replies latest watchtower scandals

  • QCA1

    Hello everyone

    I haven't been here in a long time so i'd like to say hi again.

    I do want to share something with you if i may. Over a period of time my grandson who is 15 has been allowed to come over and stay with us as my yougest son is his uncle who is 16 they got on so well together talking football and rapping music.He would phone my son on a regular basis,and then his mother said he could stay over sometimes.The more he stayed with us the more he opened up about what was happening to him at home,he told me he didn't want to be a jw and was always rebellious towards it this i always knew.He is only allowed out with jw friends he he is monitered whilst on his computer and when he phoned my son his mum or dad(my eldest son)were always he wasn't allowed a private phone call,my grandson told me that his mum and his dad were hitting him really hard and on several occasions he wanted to leave home.

    I listened intently and felt sad and disappointed that he was being treated in this way as his dad was never treated that way as a child.My eldest son married a jw girl and after a few years i saw the change in him. My daughter-in-law however is a control freak and she was hitting my grandson when he was a toddler as i threatened her once i would report her, not long after they moved to another area.

    Time went by and normality resumed.Anyway,My grandson was telling me that his mother is bombarding him about armageddon and that if he dosen't conform he will die with no hope,he said Nan i don't really believe that. So the other week my son had a phone call from my grandson and he was in a right state he was crying and his voice was shaking he'd got on the phone quickly whilst his mum had gone to the toilet,he said can my Nan come and get me i'm leaving home,so i spoke to him,he said his mum had hit him hard because he forgot to say grace before their meal,i said get to the bus station and i'll pick you up and don't worry and has i was talking to him his mum came in the room and i could hear her voice the phone went dead. I phoned for some advice and within about half hour his dad was at my house,i think she must have rung him because he was in the area. I realised i had to speak to him about this. I told him i was quite concerned about what had just happened and could i help in any way,he more or less told me to mind my own buisness and that he will hit his son when he thinks fit, i asked why his mum had hit him ,he said because he wouldn't eat his dinner,i said you hit a 15yr old because of that,anyway he drove off his last words to me were mother your boring me i was gobsmacked.

    I phoned a few days later to speak with my Grandson to be told he's not in.What worries me is i may not see him or my other 2 grandsons again,i don't know what to do or go about getting back on freindly terms with them,i am worried about my grandson he is so mixed up,he as no confidence and no real friends, there have been no phone calls from him to my son either,he probably isn't allowed any more.

    Can anyone give me some advice on what to do next i would appreciate it so much.

    Thanks for listening


  • Yizuman

    Report the abuse to the police and make arrangements with child social service to make arrangements of getting custody of your child. Also, record any calls incoming from the mother, dad or even your grandson. Get all the best info together. Get that child out of the house as fast as you can.


  • Double Edge
    Double Edge

    Hi QC...

    I just read heart-wringing post. I have my own opinions, but I'm afraid they might not be as helpful as others on this board, as I've never been a JW. I'm sure you will get some good advice within the next few hours. One good thing, it seems that at least your grandson has a mind of his own....they can't "hold" him forever, and sooner our later he'll be "free".... it's too bad they don't take a hard look at themselves and realize they are going to lose him soon.


  • Mulan

    You can also talk to his school counselor, who can intercede with the proper agency.

    One of our sons did that in high school, when he wanted to leave home to NOT be a JW, and we were making it impossible for him. The high school counselor helped him find a place to live. He convinced them there was abuse.....................of a sort, there was. Not a happy memory for us. It all worked out because he went to live with my disfellowshipped brother, who at least loved him. And now, we are all big happy family.

    Anyway, I recommend getting professionals to help with this.

  • outnfree

    Hi, QC!

    I'm with Yiz -- report your SON and your JW daughter-in-law to Social Services. Hitting a child for forgetting to say grace is abuse. Hitting a 15 YEAR OLD for not wanting to eat his dinner is abuse, too. Sometimes, teenagers just aren't hungry (although with males they are usually eating one out of house and home, so it's more likely he's feeling the only thing he has control over in his life is whether or not to eat food. :( ) Your son is part of the problem if he pooh-poohs your concerns and allows his wife to continue the beatings.

    Your grandson cried out to you for help. HELP him, please.

    This phrase of yours: I don't know what to do or go about getting back on freindly terms with them is worrisome. You should not want to get back on friendly terms with them at this point. Your grandson is depending upon you to be his advocate, not their ally.

    Since you have a 16 year old, I'm guessing that you could offer the 15 year old a place to live, rather than him being put in foster care?

    Call Social Services and see if an investigation can be initiated. They can advise you as to your rights (and his).


  • Bryan


    I also feel you should report this to the authorities. Are you in a position to take on your grandson there in your home? One thing I am very concerned about, is that he has asked you for help. If you don't help him, he may truly feel he has no one. This could lead him to leave home and not travel to you. This may leave him with a problem with authority, drugs, who knows.

    He has asked you for help. At that age, their world is so small and fragile.

    I hope you can find your way and help your grandson.


  • Happy Guy :)
    Happy Guy :)

    I am of the opinion that hitting anyone is abusive. Having said that there are many jurisdictions in North America that do not have laws against "spanking" children. It is unfortunate as I believe all that teaches a child is that violence is acceptable.

    I was in a similar situation as you with the difference being that I am a father and it was my children in those circumstances. My JW ex-wife subjected our children to years of abuse and much worse than hitting them for not saying a prayer before eating. There were about a half dozen occasions where the children suffered broken bones and worse their mother made them wait hours, and in some instances, days before getting them medical treatment. The authorities were not only contacted by me but by school principles about what was going on. Unfortunately my ex (also a control freak) had the kids frightened to stand up for themselves. Ultimately the authorities could do nothing as the children would refuse to reveal to the authorities what was really going on. When push came to shove they would back up their mother's story. She even drove her car into them because she was mad - one suffered bruising and the other a broken bone. Her excuse to others was "it was an accident I am their mother I wouldn't do that on purpose to my own children".

    It was not until the children got older that they gained the strength and courage to stand up. Eventually the Police intervened along with Youth Protection. She has been diagnosed with a pschological disorder.

    One thing I can say is a caution to you: If your grandson is not fully prepared to go the distance in breaking with his parents now then your complaints to Youth Protection will be left as just that. Worse, your son and daughter-in-law may seek to cut you off completely and/or move without giving you a forwarding address. Your grandson will then be without you for support. If you choose to take in your grandson and not return him home be prepared to be potentially charged criminally. Everytime my children visited me they begged and pleaded not to be returned to their Mom but even I as there non-custodial father would have been charged criminally and then lost visitation. This avenue may only be explored as a viable option if the child has the courage to come forward to the authorities with what is really going on with his parents.

    In short you are between a rock and a hard place. My heart goes out to you and especially to your grandson. One thing you can count on is if you take a stand the excuse will be that he is a teenager with a very restricted lifestyle (not illegal) and he is rebelling. Only you know how serious the situation is but if it is not life threatening I would suggest making attempts to affect the parents attitudes through positive role modeling. I am sure others will criticize this because JWs are so set in their ways and they take direction from Brooklyn on child rearing but the risk is that you lose contact with your grandson completely. At 15 he is still young to stand up against them and many authorities will eagerly buy into the "teenage rebellion" excuse.

    Maybe you could do things which are not threatening to the parents like inviting them over as a family to dinner. Try spending as much time with them as you can as a family and that way you can keep an eye on things while also making attempts to expose them to positive parenting.

    Good luck and God bless.

  • darkuncle29
  • Balsam

    Your grandson is old enough to get a divorcement from his parents if he feels he is being abused. The Son and daughter-in law are just plain mean to mistreat your grandson.

    My son who lived with his Dad at 16 refused to attend any more meetings. He was 6 foot talk and his Dad and he got to a fight, but my son was able to stand up for himself and quit meetings. He has never attended anymore and it has been almost a year now. My youngest son has moved in with his 21 year old brother and has much more freedom. So both my sons have left the JW. For your grandson's sake talk to the school he goes too. You might be able to talk to him there by phone to see if he wants to pursue living with you. I knew of another your JW girl who fought to live with her grandmother. The girls Dad was outraged but stopped contacting the girl. They consider her apostate now. The Grandmother and her mothers sister have helped her get away from the JW's.

    These kids need all the help they can get, and usually schools are supportive of helping kids get out of cults. They helped my son get the support he needed.

    write me if you want though the messaging they have here and we can talk.


  • johnny cip
    johnny cip

    HI Q: I would say your best bet is to go over to his school during school hours. to the office and ask to see him on a family matter. they will call him out of class. then you can talk to him in the hallway and see were he's at. ask him if he want's to talk to the school concelor. he has to be willing. if so you both of you can talk to the concelor and see what his options are. if the kid is basically a good kid they will help. that's your best option to get thing started. and help him even if your name is never spoke of. at the least you will get a chance to speak to your grandson in private... good luck john p.s. just going to the school will show you care. and will put you in a good position of he ever runs away and comes to stay by you

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