friend getting DFed tonight and my upcoming meeting....

by red so deep 23 Replies latest jw experiences

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  red so deep

  well it looks like my friend's DFing is getting announced tonight. she decided not to try an appeal because she really doesn't want the stress of telling the story all over again, and she's heard horror stories from one of her friends that was DFed about 12 elder appeal committies and whatnot. i've really been trying to help her out and let her know that it's going to be incredibly difficult but that i'll be there for her even though i'm baptized (when i was 11 years old..great decision...) pretty much all of her friends will be cut off from her, except for the few "worldly" friends she has, but it doesn't sound like her mom will really allow any association with them either.... so we'll see how the weeks ahead turn out..

  i also have a meeting thursday night with two elders in my hall. i'm under the impression that it's for "encouragement" but i think i'll probably come forward with some of my doubts about the WT to explain my waning interest in "kingdom matters." i probably shouldn't whip out the UN scandal or any of that type stuff because i highly doubt they would know anything about it and would just call my blasphemy crazy. ughh..this should be an intersting week....
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  MerryMagdalene

  More power to you, Red!!! You're a fantastic friend and an intelligent, compassionate person. Stay strong. Stay focused. I hope that this forum is a source of encouragement to you. Keep us posted. We care about you and what you are going through.

  --Merry
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  sozz7

  Just realize that people who are not jw's are not evil and bad people, since I left I have become very aware of this, I no longer have conditional friendships, It was very hard leaving all my friends, but I could'nt stay when I did'nt believe. Now I have loads of friends, and life is good, I dont feel constant guilt because of failing to meet the standards, I can pursue the things which interest me in life, without a narrow vision, I am free to find out what all the different religeons say, free to use my own free will.... Well anyway good luck with ur mate.
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  outnfree

  Hello, Red!

  Well, I missed your introductory post, so I went back to read up. The DFing tonight is going to be VERY difficult for both of you. I remember when my FRIEND got DF'd and, even though I knew it was coming, when it was actually announced I got all shaken up (and cried ) and I was STILL upset through the entire Service Mtg. and another friend and I were commiserating in the parking lot afterwards. Be prepared for very STRONG emotions -- especially as you are already aware of much of the org's hypocrisy (including the elders' ignoring your friend's sincere repentance).

  I'd like to slap the mother, too, as a mother of teens, but I would like to HUG you! You are going to be the best thing that happened to this young woman, because you won't withdraw your love and friendship when so many do. Just be discreet, as you have been.

  As for your own meeting with the elders, make it easy on yourself. Remain vague. Talk about depression and doubts, and how you just don't somehow feel right going out in the preaching work when you're so unsure yourself of how you feel. Capitalize on the fact that you're a teen with all the attendant angst and self-esteem issues. Mostly, remain vague. You want to do this fading on YOUR terms, not theirs.

  It was nice to read that you have non-JW and inactive JW relatives, too. You won't be left entirely when you go off to music school and make your subtle moves.

  Good luck! (We can say that now! )

  outnfree
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  Nocturne

  Hey red, thumbs up to you for sticking by your friend. That way you'll be able to show her what true friends do, which is they support each other in times of need. Sure she screwed up a little, but everyone does, and the fact that she's gonna get the axe because of one mistake shows how cruel and vindictive the JWs can be.

  As for your meeting with the elders, I would be very careful with what you say. Since you'll be meeting with 2 of them, anything you say could easily be used against you if they wanted to bring you up on charges of apostacy. Unless you're looking to get df'd . But sticking by your friend can also get you df'd. Whatever you decide to do, good luck.

  Nocturne
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  kwintestal

  Hi Red, good for you for sticking by your friend. I was DF'd at 17 and I only got through the isolation with the support from people like you, who don't except the word of men, and who refuse to shun those you care about. It's especially important when the DF'd party is young and has been tought to, and not permitted to "seek friends in the world". Thats BS! Shunning an already isolated person. It's sick! If more people were like you in the org. the midevil practice of DF'ing would have stopped years ago. If I had a hat, I'd take it off to you!

  Kwin
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  AlmostAtheist

  You're more likely to regret something you say to those two elders than to regret anything you fail to say. Please, be careful here. Someone earlier said to 'fade on your terms'. Agreed! Don't give them anything to make your decision for you.

  Play your cards right, and you'll never experience somebody in the store purposefully looking away from you, like they're afraid they'll catch the plague from making eye contact.

  If you want to 'take a stand' at some point in your life, there's always time for it later. For now, you have time -- take it.

  Dave
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  jgnat

  go red...go red...go red....you can do it! I worry about your friend. However you manage it, do what you can to keep in contact. This made me physically ill:

  pretty much all of her friends will be cut off from her, except for the few "worldly" friends she has, but it doesn't sound like her mom will really allow any association with them either.... so we'll see how the weeks ahead turn out..

  To cut off a teen for months at a time from all friendships is a recipe for depression.
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  Elsewhere

  If the elders start talking about DFing you for bringing up your doubts, then just DA yourself. Nothing screams of bad elder work like a DF quickly followed by a DA.
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  red so deep

  hey everyone, thanks a bunch for the support! all this happening now would be terribly difficult without you guys!

  well, as for the announcement tonight, i belong to a different congregation than the one my friend goes to, so i probably will have to attend a different meeting. but she is planning on going and sitting in the back room and leaving after the announcement is made. it is going to be crazy there, because she has a lot of family in the hall and plenty of people are going to be shocked i'm sure. it's such BS too, because the local needs after a DF'ing is always about what the person got DF'ed for, so that's just going to be another slap in her face.

  as for my meeting, well, i'd like to be kinda vague about everything, but i feel like i should give some explanation for why i haven't been out in service or at the meetings...and i'd really like to come forward with my problems with the org. sooner or later. if it comes to that point though, i would much rather DA myself then get DF'ed for my doubts. but i still have alot to think about, and i guess we'll just see how things end up.

  but thanks again everyone! i'm so grateful to have people that understand life in the org and the experiences of those who have left it as well!