CZAR - interesting timing, your question. I wonder, were you "raised in the truth"? I know that a lot of people on this site were. But I wasn't. I walked out of "the world" and into the KH. I've done it for nearly 30 years now, fighting myself over myself because of myself. Existing as only half a person because the other half was in a constant war with itself. Hating it all because it must be wrong, but knowing it is right. Sure the d*ckheads and d*ldoes I met along the way were just that, and they contained enough of their own issues to keep them busy for a lifetime. But, oh, how I envied them sometimes, their assuredness, their seeming security with everything they read and heard from the borg. "Christ!", I used to scream at myself, "How do you stop your mind? Where's the 'off' switch? Please, dear Jehovah, make me stop the thoughts." But he never would. And now, after everything's gone, after every last shred of anything that was me is 'poof' disappeared, I sit here in my poverties, like Job, wondering "What in the f*ck happened?" What did I do? Who did I hurt? Was I not smart enough? Humble enough? Pious enough? Charitable enough? Maybe it's because I didn't sing loud enough, or I didn't go to enough get togethers, or I used the wrong grade of gas, or... Why is it so damned easy for them and so bloody hard for me? What did I do?
I remember getting one of those famous "shepharding calls" by the "elders", it was one of the last times I had much to do with the borg. My ex had already started planning her escape, and I was existing fat, dumb, and happy within my illusions. And they showed up with stern looks and no humor. Like NKVD agents, they assured me that the visit was "just routine", that they were required to visit all the publishers, and blah, blah. But it angered me. They were whining and moaning about FS time and study time and Bible reading, of course. But I had had enough, and I told them that every time in the past, when I or my family had needed them, they were either too busy, or just flat didn't seem to care, but now, when they have a complaint, here they are in force. So I asked them straight out, "Where were you when I needed you?" And the a**holes gave standard answer #1A for any questioning JW: Maybe God was testing you. I sat very stunned for a very long moment. I think that the number of thoughts and impulses that ricocheted around in my skull actually caused some sort of temporary paralyzing palsy, and all I could do is sit slack jawed and mute. Marveling at how wonderfully warm and fuzzy it must be to have such all encompassing stupidity. My mind screamed: "Oh yeah! Well maybe the test was on you, a**hole! And that means you flunked! I'm still here, you weren't there, now add it up, Einstein!"
Ignorance is bliss and they are the most blissful of people, and I've cried and despised myself because I never seemed to be able to carry the same tune. I had questions, always questions. And doubts. But then, having "doubts" is a problem of "faith", in which case, I'm lacking, ergo, I'm dirty. Again. By it's very nature, the basic human factor within all religion is manipulation.
I so enjoy the various comments and opinions of the people on this board because they really don't have a lot to cover up, and they tend to be infinitely more open than the bros & siss who's first order of business always seemed to be to put whoever they are with, ill at ease. Taken over all, the various comments are almost identical to the daily bitches of any group of frontline soldiers in any war in history. Hmmmm.
CZAR, I think you suffer from the same malady that a lot of the folks on this site suffer from: your brain is just too quick, too analytical, too innocent for it's own damn good. And the result is that you get to sit with this giant knot in your mind that is made up of all the paradoxes, and illogic, and broken algorithmns that built up from years of studying and actually thinking about Jehovah God. But now, maybe due to lack of faith, because you don't go to the KH, and you don't go wave WTs in people's faces, and you don't sing Kingdom songs, you believe that Jehovah is going to kill you until you're dead, dead, dead! While Jeffery Dahlmer is already in the New System. Maybe that's what it's like to be tossed about like waves upon the sea?
But all we do here, is yell at the messengers.