Permanent loss from being brought up in JW

by Cunfusious 14 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Cunfusious

  For the past few hours I have been reading through this forum and an overwhelming sadness came over me. For a long time I thought just getting out and not being part of the organization would be the "escape" that being happy in a normal life provided. Born and raised (well 17 was it for me) under the tight grips of this organization has made my life a constant battle over right and wrong. I know the difference, thats not the issue. It has nothing to do with choice, its the guilt that gets you. But why? I am no longer part of that religion and will never be again. So why am I torn so much when doing things that are considered unholy and morally wrong in their eyes, but completely NORMAL in everyone elses eyes?

  When I was 11 my dad decided to take a turn in his life that to this day has affected everyone in our family. My older sister disowned him. I was inseparable from him and I paid attention to everything I saw. And that something was very wrong and he was not going to stay much longer. I remember coming home from school one day and I saw that his brush and comb were gone. I knew he was not coming back. He chose to be with another JW who was a close friend of my mother. This other lady, whom I love dearly, was in a troubled marriage to one of those typical Elders who covered up the secrets that went on behind closed doors. He broke her nose and beat her sons to the point where "fleeing" with my dad, who was the only man who ever cared for her in a normal, healthy way, was the only option.

  Then came the "announcement". I remember I was not allowed to go, none of us were. I have two older sisters and a younger brother. We knew it was going to be that night because they told my mom. After that we were always referred to as the poor (name w/held) kids. The ones whose father ran out on them to commit adultry and live in sin. WOW, gotta say, at 11 that was WAY TOO much for me to handle.

  I never blamed my dad because I knew it was the way out. At the ripe old age of 27 and my dad still with her, 16 years later, gives me some kind of peace knowing they were wrong about them. The problems I struggle with today is finding my place with God. I cannot go into a church without feeling like a Pagan or a traitor. Just last week we accompanied a good friend to her church, a Penicostal church of all places. I feel so completely confused that I dont know if I can change my views because of the things that were imbedded in my brain from being a JW. It has caused great distress and a sense of loss in my life. Everyone needs and wants to have a place with God and Jesus, but when you have so many out there to choose from, it becomes rather depressing. I dont put other beliefs down. I have found that just because the JW's feel that everyone besides them are Pagan doesnt mean they are! Its killing me inside.

  I have gone on and on. I just want some peace of heart and mind that others have found a way of having God in their lives without feeling like a Satan worshipper.

  Thanks

  Michelle
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  Netty

  Michele, time has seemed to help me. (not completely, dont know if that ever happens) but as far as feeling like a pagan walking into a church, doing non witness things. That is how I felt at the beginning, but I kept doing it. And it got easier, and better. And then after a while, I started liking it, actually noting very cool differences and appreciating it. Give it time, but keep doing it, you will get used to it, I think, I hope. And hopefully come to the point where you feel good about it. I do (for the most part) now.

  I know what you mean about wondering where you stand with Jehovah, that is a very tough one because of the horrible things that were bashed into our heads, about what would happen to us if we did not stay Jehovahs witnesses. Remember, those were mind control tactics, used by a hurtful cult that destroys families, and does not have the best interest of its members in mind. Of course you are in a good place with God, of course you are!

  I have found a way to have God in my life (very limited because thats the way I want it) without feeling like a satan worshiper (I know what you mean ) I teach my kids to pray before meals and bedtime, and try (not regular though) to get to church on Sunday. And thats it for me. Thats about all I want. But it did take me some time to get to this point.

  So sad what you and your family have been through because of the sick disfellowshipping/shunning rules. Makes me angry to hear it.

  I hope you find what you are looking for. You will get some good advice here on this board. Good luck!
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  LyinEyes

  Hi Michelle, welcome to the board.

  I can totally understand how you feel. I was also raised a JW, my father was an elder, and he too,,,,,,,,ran off with a sister in our hall , she is only 8 yrs older than me. I disassociated myself about 2 yrs ago and at first I felt like I was sinning by doing the normal things other people in the world do. I can say that after two years I am starting to feel somewhat normal. I know I will never be like most people who were never JW's , because I was one for over 30 yrs, it is still so ingrained.

  An example is the other nite at my son's highschool football jamboree, they did the National Anthemn( sp?) and for a moment I didnt feel normal about putting my hand to my heart as everyone eles just did, almost as if they did it instinctively. For me, it made me think of how I never used to do it, how it still felt strange, how even thou I don't even know if I believe in God anymore, for a moment I wondered if I was doing wrong. I wasnt ashamed to be doing it, at all, but those old feelings that I had as a JW, came rushing back.

  Even thou it has been 2 yrs since I walked away from my religion, my God and my whole belief system,,,,,,,I know I am still in a recovery stage that could possibly take the rest of my life to complete,,,,,,if then.

  We were witnesses for so long, alot of us were raised in it from birth and know no other way to serve God, so it is natural to feel lost.

  I so very much miss my connection with God, as I had before, or that I thought I had. I do feel something very important is missing in my life, but I know that being one of Jehovah's Witnesses , is not what is going to help me in that regard anymore.

  I think it will just take time for so many of us to find our true place of peace , we are like babies learning how to sit up, then crawl , walk and then we learn to run . I guess we are just slow learners huh? hehe........we better late than never!!!!!
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  Undaunted Danny

  
  Undaunted Danny's catchphrase,"The anguish and the agony of having to renounce the life long convictions of our hearts.

  The surreal horror to learn that all that we believed in was a man made fraud in the name of God LIE!"

  .We are empowered and do not discount the power of one.
  
  
  
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  Black Sheep

  One of the first things they taught us was that there can be only one true religion.

  Then they taught us that it is them and that all other religions are Pagan and will lead us to destruction.

  If we believe that stuff then, if/when we realise that they are a false religion, we are lost and have nowhere else to go except back to them because, even if they are wrong, they appear to be the lessor of the two evils.

  It is very difficult to get ALL of the stuff we have been indoctrinated with out of our heads and start from scratch, especially when we are 'born in'.

  I now realise that EVERYTHING I believed about the Bible and what other religions taught has been coloured by the WBTS and that it is ALL under deep suspicion.

  For example, after talking with my parents, who have been learning what Christendom teaches about the Trinity from the WBTS for 60 years, I realise that they don't even understand what Christendom actually teaches. They think they do, and their aguments are very convincing to themselves, and to anyone else with a poor grasp of the Trinity, but their arguments are based on doctrines that aren't even taught.

  So, welcome to the board Michele. You are not the only one here with the same problem. Stick around and learn from those who have overcome it. That is one of the reasons why I am here.

  Chris
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  avishai

  The problems I struggle with today is finding my place with God. I cannot go into a church without feeling like a Pagan or a traitor

  #1, Why do people need to go to a church to find their place w/ "God"? Not being sarcastic, I'm being serious. I find my place w/ the creator, or whoever, whatever it is the most on a night full of stars, lookin at my daughter, during thunderstorms, etc.

  #2, As much as I want to play the Cool "over it" XJW, I'm TERRIBLE with holidays. I'm so bad at it it drives me nuts. BUT I'm so glad that my beautiful daughter does'nt have to go through the BS, the going door to door while tiny. Being forced to be quiet for hrs. on end at meetings and assemblies. The dirty looks from other JW's if I don't take her in the back room and beat the hell out of her. The wasted time I could have spent in sports or studying for college instead of studying for meetings. The shame, etc.

  Trust me, pray. Deal w/ your xjw issues. Watch cartoons on saturday. Figure out the church thing later. They are mostly just social clubs w/ more than their fair share of gossip, anyway. Do the God thing, get a personal relationship with your creator, but don't worry about man made religion for now. Just my two cents.,

  Sam
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  BrendaCloutier

  It was a good 8 or 9 years before I discovered that Jehovah would not strike me down for just entering a church other than a Kingdom Hall.

  I have alcoholism (currently in remission). It was my very first AA meeting, on a Sunday, July 5 1987. The meeting was in the basement of a Baptist church. It was absolute hell for me to even touch the door handle, let alone open the door.

  Nothing happened, except that the door opened as normal doors do.

  However, I learned that no matter how much I could quote chapter and verse and do a fast look-up in the Bible, I didn't know the words to the Lord's Prayer. I was very embarrased.

  Today I not only know the Lord's Prayer, but also the Serenity Prayer, and most of Amazing Grace.

  It's ok to feel guilt, and shame, and embarrasment. But you don't have to give in to them. Baby steps are fine.

  Hugs and love on your exciting journey!

  Brenda
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  JamesThomas

  Welcome dear Michelle.
  
  So long as we unquestionably believe in a "God", out there, that sees us as separate beings to lord over and judge, there will be guilt and unease.
  
  Just because most of society and probably our well-meaning parents as well, have belittled and reduced the Source of this marvelous universe to a repugnant little creature does not mean we need to. Does it?
  
  If there has ever been a "sin", it is not that we may act like a "Satan worshipper", but rather that we have reduced God into a thing far away, too little and limited to be present here and now at the core of our being. Little wonder there is so much agony and suffering when we unquestionably believe to be cut-off from Source and Sustenance.
  
  Thankfully, it ain't so.
  
  
  j
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  garybuss

  We were institutionalized like the prisoner who still jumps at the sound of a bell. Find a counselor who is experienced helping people like us who were raised in high control groups. Our symptoms are the same as people conditioned in an institution like a prison.
  
  Symptoms of Post Exit Syndrome range from anxiety, paranoia, floating episodes, flashbacks, depression, recidivism, post traumatic stress disorder, as well as drug and alcohol addiction. The disorder is caused by the institutionalizing that occurs to the victim by that victim being socially locked in a high control religious (or other) group.
  
  This is a treatable situation but it may be very difficult to do it alone and simply with willpower and determination. It's hard to fix a sick mind with a sick mind. Never give up and never return to the source of the problem to lessen the dissonance.
  
  There are people who specialize in pragmatic exit counseling. Find them. Welcome to the forum and best wishes. GaryB
  
  
  
  
  
  
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  Carmel

  Sorry Michell! I'm not going to empatize with you! Playing the victim role is okay for a child, but we are't children anymore and the only thing we are victims of now is our own stinkin thinkin!

  Welcome!

  carmel