my last contact with my mom

doogie

I wrote an email to my mom last Friday. It didn?t go so hot.

My girlfriend had sent her a pretty harsh letter criticizing my family sharing her opinion about the religion about 2 weeks ago and she had never gotten a response (which kind of surprised me, actually. I thought my mom would jump at the chance to justify their position with the shunning and stuff. I guess not.). anyway, I wanted to write her to kind of apologize if the letter had hurt her feelings at all. I tried to explain that my girlfriend is trying her best to understand the situation but she?s having a tough time with it (understandably so) and I think she just kind of needed to vent. I made sure not to apologize for the letter itself, but just if it hurt my mom because I do (well, maybe today I should say ?did?) still care for her.

I then did something stupid and I truly don?t know what I hoped to accomplish. I asked her what she wants from me. I explained that at this point, I simply don?t believe the teachings of the JW?s anymore. I said it would be like her trying to believe in the trinity again (she was raised a catholic)?it?s just not possible. I asked her what it would take for us to be a family again. Of course, I know very well that the only way would be either that I would have to get back into good standing or they would have to decide to not shun me anymore (not likely). I said that if I did get back into good standing would she talk to me again, even though she knows that I don?t believe a word of it (I meant this hypothetically). I wanted her to say that what she really wants is a certain LABEL placed (or rather, removed) on her son before she?ll talk to me. it?s not that necessarily that she wants me to believe it, just that I APPEAR to believe it. I had hoped that she would see the ridiculousness and hopelessness of this expectation.

She responded that she wanted me to go to 3 months of meetings. What!? That?s not an answer! I went to meetings for 18 years. You think everything will be fixed by going 3 more months? That?s basically agreeing that it doesn?t matter if I really believe it or not, just that I take steps to get back into it. She said she wants her son back and I countered that she does not. If that were all she wanted, then come on?I?m right here. What she really wants (and my whole family for that matter) is a jehovah?s witness in good standing who happens to be her son.

Anyway, it went downhill from there. I said that I had some doctrinal problems (for instance, the literal interpretation of 144,000 while certain other discriptors of that number are applied figuratively) and she said to go to the meetings and "ask someone there." I then said that the scriptures that refer to banning someone from the congregation have been applied to families as well, which is found nowhere in the context. As you can tell, things were just spiraling downward furiously.

I don?t know that there is anything evil that she DIDN?T accuse me of being or doing. I know that that?s the indoctrination taking over and stuff...she really believes that i'm a bad person...but there?s a point somewhere when you just can?t be called evil and wicked anymore, you know? something just kind of snaps and you go numb. it just gets so hurtful. Feelings of worthlessness coupled with anger coupled with the hopelessness of the situation just take over. I just can?t take this crap anymore.

I think it?s really over now. I don?t know that I have any desire to even try to hope for any kind of future with them. It?s just too frustrating and painful. It?s almost like I have to just go on as if they were dead.

Anyway, I think I?m just kind of venting here. This was the roughest weekend yet and I just have to get it out of my system. I think it?s going to take some time. Thanks for reading this stuff.

lisaBObeesa

Hi doogie.....That really sucks. I'm so sorry. You are not wicked or evil. Here is a really big hug for you: ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((doogie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I hate this religion. I really hate it.

Bryan

(((((((((((((((((((((((doogie)))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry my friend, but over time it will get better.

Bryan

doogie

thanks guys. i really appreciate it. my girlfriend just gave me a hug yesterday and i completely broke down. i felt like i was dying.

i know that i'm not the only one going through this stuff but some days that's not such an easy thing to remember.

thanks again.

jgnat

Don't worry too much about your reactions, you are being normal. It is perfectly all right for a son to break down in grief when rejected by his mother.

My mentally ill mother said some pretty nasty stuff when she was sick. I can't remember a word of it. It is as if, in self defence, my poor mind locked it away someplace safe where it couldn't hurt me.

Seriously, it might not be a bad idea to conduct a mental "funeral" for all you have lost with your mom.

ESTEE

write her to kind of apologize

'scuse me ... I see nothing to apologize for. You are simply being true to yourself, as is your friend.

No sane person understands insanity ... which is what I think the religion of the jws is ... pure insanity.

ESTEE

Double Edge

I think it?s really over now. I don?t know that I have any desire to even try to hope for any kind of future with them. It?s just too frustrating and painful. It?s almost like I have to just go on as if they were dead.

Doogie....

Take it from someone who's been down life's road for over 50 years and has almost "seen it all"..

1. Nothing is ever 'over' unless you're DEAD. (and even then, in my belief system, it's just a doorway and a temporary condiition.)

2. You need some space. A mental and emotional 'vacation' - maybe a week or two. So take it, put this aside and get yourself together. You can revisit it at YOUR choosing.

3. There are very, VERY few mothers who ever totaly abandon their children...it's not in them. In fact, I see your mom actually reaching out, even if it was with the ridiculous 3-month attendence condition. We know it's pathetic, but to your mom, it was probably a big deal. There is no doubt that this whole thing is eating away at her trying to be "loyal" to God by choosing to disassociate from her 'baby'. Some day, she too will realize how insane this all was and then she really will be saddened by all the time that was lost.

4. After your 'vacation', if it were me, I would send her a card, or even flowers... just a "thinking of you" type thing, with no hint of anything 'religious'. In other words, take the high road and keep the door open ... you're the only one of the two of you who can. There are never any regrets by doing so - even if this doesn't prove out in the short term, it will in the long run.

5. Look forward, not backward. Think positive, make a life for yourself and be prepared for the day that things do change.

just my thougts.... Double Edge

Bubbamar

Great advice from Double edge!

I wonder if she'd consider a trade - 3 months of meetings for 3 months of therapy?? I'd love to offer that to my mom. I'm sure they see therapy as evil too. You have to use your own brain for 50 min.

Hang in there - I've broken down and cried a bunch lately myself. But I know from past experience...."this too shall pass."

(((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))

doogie

double edge-

I would send her a card, or even flowers... just a "thinking of you" type thing, with no hint of anything 'religious'. In other words, take the high road and keep the door open ... you're the only one of the two of you who can.

this is a really good idea, i think. i felt like after this last time, i kind of lost some composure and up until now i've made it my chief concern to at all times come across to them as non-accusatory, loving, humble and always ready to reunite. i kind of blew it this last time. i think if for no other reason, this would be a good way to regain that high road.

and bubba-

I wonder if she'd consider a trade - 3 months of meetings for 3 months of therapy?? I'd love to offer that to my mom.

i was just thinking about something along these lines. do you think it would be worth it to offer to go to meetings for a few months or something if they'd look at some info that i'd send them? (UN stuff or crisis of conscience) i personally think that it would be futile to try any kind of trade off, especially because i would continually be leaving myself open to hope that they would come around. i think that being open to hope is what leaves people so vulnerable when it doesn't happen.

jaredg

doogie......i hear you man i'm in the same shit!! i'm 25 and have a worldy girlfriend. i've been df'd for almost 2 years now. i tried to go back and get reinstated just to have the label of being reinstated even though i didn't believe it. it's not possible. i started to live a double life again and it sucked. i finally had to admit that i couldn't do it. my parents asked what issues i had w/ the WTS. i wrote them a long email explaining myself and haven't heard from them since. well i just sent the email this past thursday. i'm going to call my dad today to see what he thought about it. good luck man. if you need to talk or if your GF needs to talk to my GF (my GF has been putting up with this for almost 3 years) then hit me up. i'll give you my cell number.

later,

jared

my last contact with my mom

Share this