Perhaps the hardest part of leaving the JWs, is emotionally letting go of the "dream".
As I was waking up this morning, caught in that state of leaving a dream and realizing I was in my bed, feeling the air circulate from my overhead fan, it dawned on me that the end of my "dream" is unknown.
I used to take comfort in knowing that there was God. There was good and evil. Satan existed, and everyday, I had entered into battle to maintain my integrity. I knew the outcome of this war. One day a spectacular scene would play out in this world, akin to a scene from "Independence Day" (or any movie supernatural destructive scene). I knew I would "probably" be protected. I could envision the aftermath, and the joys that laid ahead with our "happy ending". There was a comfort I took in my imaginary "us vs. them" mentality. I was priviledged to know of this great story that was unfolding in my lifetime. I did not have to plan, or think about my future in this system, because I already knew what it was. I was special.
Now, I face each day, not knowing the "ending". I prepare for a day when I may retire. I'm prepared (with life insurance and a will) in case today is my last. I don't know if there is an afterlife and no longer live for an "invisible promise". I don't know whether humankind will ever overcome the demons of war, sickness, hunger, poverty ... but I'm much more optimistic about our capabilities to do such. I no longer believe in "inspired" fairy tales.
Its been years that I've been out, however, at times I still marvel at the emotional release. The emotional letdown of letting go of "the dream".
It was a selfish dream...