(edit: I probably should have posted this in the "Friends" section. If there any mods out there who could do this, it would be much appreciated.)
Hello, everyone.
I've been lurking here for a little while now, and decided to make my presence known.
A little background: I left the org officially about nine months ago, after a couple years of nagging doubts. To be honest, it was the most traumatizing thing I've ever been through, the way it affected me on so many levels and in so many ways at the same time. It wasn't enough that everything I'd put my faith in turned out to be an outright lie. It wasn't enough to learn that I'd wasted so much time serving an organization of men who were frequently wrong about, well, pretty much everything. It wasn't enough to realize that even though I was fundamentally the same guy, all my old friends and family wouldn't be allowed to speak to me anymore. What upset me the most was that I truly felt my growth as a person had been hindered for years by this joke of a religion with all it's arbitrary rules, regulations, and expectations. There are experiences I could have had, things I could have learned, and places I could have gone if it wasn't for that damned Orwellian microcosm. I try not to have any regrets about the whole thing, but I really wish I could have at least some of that time back.
The freedom I now feel was worth all the intense feelings of betrayal and loss, however. I see more beauty around me than I used to, as though the constant focus on the bad drilled into me all those years had hampered my ability to appreciate the good. There are days where I feel blissfully happy (and I never used to describe much of my experience as "blissful"). I'm finally able to go forward with many dreams I put aside because I was told they weren't in line with "god's" purpose for me. Plus, I've found more genuine love in nine months outside the org than in the years I spent on the inside. More than all of this, however, is that now I can be myself... the real me. And it's been a thrill getting to know that person. To quote something I put down in my journal when I was writing myself through the healing process, its been "like catching up with an old friend I've never met."
And to quote another: "I've become what I used to hate, but I love what I've become."
marked