English as she is spoke

Earnest

I work for a University which has a sideline in exams in English for Speakers of Other Languages. One of these exams is for a Certificate in Advanced English and the paper included a sample "letter to the editor" of a newspaper regarding a recent mugging.

These are some of the entries :

Beginning of the letter to the editor
Dear Lord
Respectable chefs of the paper!
I am writing to express my sock.
On ending the letter
Sincerely thrusting,
Problems with 'crime' words
It's terrible to be accused of muggery.
I became witness to an attempted theft by a woman's handbag.
...so that women needn't worry about being attempted.
At first we thought it was two lovers and then we realised it was a mug.
He was not a rubber at all.
She wasn't muggered.
What actually happened...
Firstable,...
Suddenly we heard a cream.
Before I had time to move a mussel.
The mugger, who was armless...
He ran to the scenery to help the lady.
As we turned we saw a man trying to crap a woman's handbag.
Now Malcolm [the hero] will always have a scarf on his face.
Malcolm is a real heron.

Earnest (hoping I am not violating posting guideline #8)

Earnest

In the same exam there was a question on TV instructions :

How to use the TV
I bought a new TV with a big scream.
We always take the plague out before we go away.
To start the TV piss on the button.
Press the red bottom.
Push the big black bottom that is in the corner.
You push the little bottoms of the controller.
Advice on what to watch.
If you are really concerned about Polish pronunciation and style avoid listening to our President.
If Sweden is famous for anything it isn't television.
Don't be a potato coach.

And one on books to take to a desert island...

The three most exciting books I've never read.
H. Emingway - The Old and the Sea
I would take "Sex in 100 Ways" plus a woman
The book is totally thoughtfully thought.

Earnest (of the 'truth is stranger than fiction' class)

bebu

So funny...

I remember being stunned by personal letters given to me by English teachers in Japan that I might correct them. One line I remember well was, "Thank you for your hot hospitality!"

Funny thing is, each time this teacher went on a trip where she was hosted, she never failed to put this line at the end of her letters--no matter how many times I explained that this had a nuance she probably didn't mean. (Hmmmm. Maybe she did mean it after all... )

bebu

Faraon

I knew a woman, who was the laziest teacher, I have ever known. She would spend her days chatting on the halls instead of teaching.

She left the school and returned first as an executive assistant and then was promoted as a vice-principal because she was in very close terms with the principal. She would spend her time in school doing her graduate work and finally became a PhD.

She would write memos to me, but I would make fun of her memos and showed them to everybody because she was a functional illiterate. She could not even do basic fractions!

I saw through her and would never call her ?doctor?. She became irate and asked the principal to talk to me about my refusal to call her by her degree.

The principal tried to show me the error of my ways.

I told the principal that there were three Hispanic PhD?s in my school but nobody called them ?doctor? and they didn?t even liked to be called by their tittles. They just wanted to be part of the crowd.

The principal told me that if I did not address her by her degree, she would take it as an insubordination. I told her then that if one must address each other by our degrees I would call her ?doctor? if she called me ?master?.

End of argument.

Elsewhere

To start the TV piss on the button.
Press the red bottom.
Push the big black bottom that is in the corner.
You push the little bottoms of the controller.

WOW! Sounds like a great plot for a porno!

English as she is spoke

Earnest

Earnest

bebu

Faraon

Elsewhere

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