by 68storm 17 Replies latest jw friends
Francois,
Hear! Hear!
At least some reading this post realize the very subtle mindset of the brotherhood. We all know that it is not a crime, if it is against earthly evil. The only problem with this is, they even enjoy ripping each other off.
Respectfully submitted,
68storm
Dear Storm:
I had experiences that paralleled yours in some respects. Here are some of the highlights:
1. Married a “born into the truth” JW who pioneered right out of high school and through the first year of marriage. I was also a “born into the truth” JW.
2. Had two children along the way
3. Wife decides to leave the marriage at about year nineteen while children are in middle school/high school.
4. She moves out taking part of her clothing and gets her own apartment and invites her new boy-friend over frequently.
5. She writes a letter to one of the elders and explains that she has committed adultery (she had already told me of this offence).
6. She calls me after each “Thursday Night Meeting” asking if she has been disfellowshipped yet. The answer was no for several weeks as the elders delayed doing anything.
7. I was an elder at the time, but for obvious reasons I wished no part of this matter. However, after weeks of inaction, I asked the elders what they intended to do about the situation in view of her blatant adultery (she was a popular and well known member of the congregation and this situation was well known).
8. A long standing and very influential elder to whom I had gone for private help about this matter said: “Well, what ever you did to her, it couldn’t have been bad enough to warrant this kind of conduct.” That was the most consoling comment I got from any of my fellow elders during this, the most difficult time of my life.
9. After further pleadings from me to address the issue the “body” disfellowshipped her.
10. She moved home to mommy.
11. Three months later she returned with mommy to tell the elders that she was sorry and they reinstated her.
12. I was stupid enough to accept her back into the family and so she moved back into our home. All seemed well for two weeks except for one elder who wanted a big party for her upon her return. I objected, saying that what had happened was tragic and sad. I asked for a very low-key return because what had happened over the preceding six months was really tragic, no cause for celebration. The party went on anyway. The young elder sponsoring the party claimed to be of the anointed and his word got extra special weight.
13. She seemed to do well for two weeks, keeping all of her promises.
14. At the third week marker of her return she came back from the grocery store to tell me that she had run into her “lover” in the parking lot and she had stopped to talk with him for a while. I blew my top. This was in direct violation of our agreement.
15. From that point forward I gave her the cold shoulder. Some elders came over and attempted to reconcile our differences, but my wife refused to give guarantees that she would not stop and talk to this guy anymore.
16. We stopped having sex and my wife claimed cruelty on my part for not having sex with her, though sex had never been important to her before. Her mommy came back and claimed that her CO said that her daughter could “scripturally divorce" me since I would not give her the “marriage due.”
17. The elders met with my wife and her mother (they invited me to this Tuesday meeting, but I said that I could not be prepared until Saturday and I asked them to postpone it till Saturday. They refused to delay the meeting) and the elders told my wife that she was free to divorce me and that she would be free to remarry.
18. I heard of the above decision from my wife, not from my fellow elders. I told her that the decision sounded flawed, but she had the answer she wanted and she moved full steam ahead by filing legal divorce proceedings.
19. Saturday the elders met with me. Only then did they tell me of their decision. They confirmed that they had told her that she was free to divorce me and then to remarry. I asked them if I was then free to remarry also. They hesitated, it seemed as if they had not thought about that issue. Their answer, after a little hesitation, was no, I was not free to remarry (remember, she was the one who had committed adultery earlier, not me; I had merely withheld sex after she began to engage in conversations with her former lover again).
20. Some letters went to Brooklyn. To their credit, they told the locals that their decision was wrong and that she was not free to remarry.
21. She had already moved out and played on the sympathies of the elders (who were still in her corner) saying that she was poor and needed some material things. The elders tell me to provide for her. My first response was that she had plenty of material comforts at home, but she chose to leave those behind and I didn’t feel any obligation to set up a second home just for her because she wanted to leave. I soon softened and told them that I would see that she got a bed to sleep in (that seemed to be the thing most on their minds at that point).
22. I went to a reputable department store downtown and selected a modest priced bed. When I called her to set up a time for delivery she began to fuss about some minor detail, that I have long ago forgotten, about the bed. I said, that is it! I cancelled the order and told the elders that she was incorrigible and not to bother me with anymore of her winning.
23. Initially her demands through her lawyer for the material division of our “worldly goods” were modest. Then one day somebody got the idea that such decisions should be done by the elders. One elder told me that they would need to have a meeting at our home with my wife and me to assign each item to her or to me. Of course, I told him that while he might like to do that for her she had already placed the matter in the hands of the legal system and that I didn’t think that the courts would recognize their decisions on such issues. That didn’t seem to get through, just as little other common sense issues got through to these elders, so another phone call to Brooklyn to call off these dogs.
24. Getting to the part that has some similarity to what happened to you, after all had been agreed to ( we lived in a “no-fault divorce” state where all is divided 50/50) she asked to come over on a Sunday afternoon to get her 50%. This was her strategy:
a. Get about fifteen volunteers after the meeting Sunday morning to go home and change into work clothes and return at 1 PM to my house.
b. Teenage boys can carry the heavy stuff and girls can get the lighter stuff.
c. Blitz the house, going in both doors and carry off stuff as fast as possible
d. Reward all of these helpers with a fine dinner at her place when they have delivered the stuff
25. A few minutes into the blitz I realized that I needed to get more control of the situation, so I locked the doors temporarily and assembled the volunteers in the driveway. These “brothers and sisters” some of whom where children of elders had a real party attitude and I thought it was disgraceful. I told them so. I reminded them (I was still sounding like a typical JW elder then) that “Jehovah hates a divorcing.” I reminded them that what was happening here was not pleasing to Jehovah, but if they wanted to participate anyway that was their choice. However, I asked them to remember that their conduct and what was happening here was a terrible “witness” to the neighborhood. They were much quieter after my lecture.
26. My dear fellow elders also found a reason to get read of me as an elder. They read the “he no longer serves as an elder” letter to the congregation, but never did tell me about it.
27. Some of those elders are dead now, some have since gone through their own divorces, but none have ever had the courage to contact me since those dark days many years ago.
I am now happily married to a lady that I did not find at the KH. I have been inactive for years.
Regards,
Sam Beli
Hello Sam,
Uneffin believable isn't it! I have the hardest time, reconciling this wonderfull practice among God's chosen people. When this first occured, I thought that it was easy for the brotherhood to do this to me (seeing that I was the scum of earth, having heard the message for so many years, and not appreciating it), but once I found a group of ex's, I was told that this is quite common.
The thing that is most aggravating, is the fact that they always have this "holier than thou" attitude, but break, not only God's commands, also alot of normal human concience matters. Where do they find in scripture, that such things as, withholding marriage dues, spiritual endangerment, non support, etc., etc., are biblical reasons for divorce. Like I stated before, it becomes a nice, neat form of wifeswapping and still keeping your club card.
When my ex first left, I was very accomodating. I let her come in with sisters and take a lot of things. I was still in disbelief at the time, so I had the attitude that they were only things therefore she could have them. One time, I overheard one of her helpers state how wonderfull this was for our 6 year old son. Can you imagine the mindset here. I know that, in many cases, where there is a lot of fighting among the parents, this is true. In our case, no such thing was happening. How would anybody construe this as a good thing. We had four children. It affected them all. The now 10 year old is still having dreams where his mother decided to come back home again.
Very, very, sad indeed.
I am certain that the same traits would be found in any totalitarian arrangement. ie: Nazis, Communists, Dictatorships etc., etc.
68storm
Ps: I forgot one that most Canadians will relate to: Quebec.
Treachery is part and parcel of being a JW.
bttt
Just found this thread, how true it is,
why do the Dubs preach honesty and truth and practice the opposite?
fokyc
My ex must have learned from this. She had all the brothers from the hall come and take everything when I was at work one day. Well everything except for the "marriage bed" (was that supposed to hurt?) and the car I drove to work. Oh wait, the next day she took that also. Some JWs hid it from me at their house until the bank could come pick it up... yes she gave it back to the bank without my knowledge so that she would be free.
It's amazing what your "friends" can do to you.
I'm so glad to have moved on in my life!
samiam2b
Your #1 mistake: You didn't change the locks on the house.
By law, because she had keys to the house, she had implied consent to enter the premises at any time.
This is why one should NEVER give copies of your keys away to ANYONE. EVER! [PERIOD]
Anyone out there: Have you EVER given your keys to ANYONE? Then it's time to change your locks!
When I was still an MS a sister came to us (the elders and MS's) for help because her ex-boyfriend kept entering her apartments and vandalizing the place. The police would not do anything because the ex-boyfriend had a key. The sister asked us for $35 to change her locks... in their infinite loving capacity, the body denied her the request.
If you need to let others in the house from time to time, then install one of those new keypad deadbolts or fingerprint reader deadbolts.
With one of those you can *temporarily* allow others in, and then disable their entry code or fingerprint.
These advanced deadbolts are not as expensive as you might think... in fact they are quite affordable.
Actually if you are married AND live in a community property state, your spouse can legally break into your residence or anything you own.
