I wrote this about three years ago, I came across it today in some files and thought it was worth reposting for newbies.
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One night last week, my five year old daughter couldn't fall asleep.
We could hear her upstairs as she tossed and turned a bit, then finally reappeared from her bedroom and crept down the stairs.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"I can't sleep, Mom, my mind is full of questions." she said, as she started to climb into my lap.
I looked at my husband, and his eyes widened. He turned off the television.
Moving over on the couch, we made a spot for her between us, and covered her with a blanket. She rested her head on my shoulder, and my husband and I settled in, not knowing what to expect.
"Why did Grandpa die?
She was referring to my ex-husband's dad, who died of cancer two years ago. I guess my ex never explained to her what he died of.
After that question was answered, her mind began to wander. I could tell that she was really bothered by something else, and that this wasn't just another usual attempt at stalling off bedtime.
As her innocent mind struggled to articulate the thoughts she was having, she rambled on a few minutes. Finally, she settled on a topic.
"I think Kate* is getting in love with David*. But I think she's sorry now." she announced, speaking of my cousin, and the guy that my ex-husband had introduced her to last year. This is the same one who I warned my family about, knowing that this kid had drug and alcohol problems previously.
Of course, they didn't believe me.
I had heard that he had recently been disfellowshipped for drug use. Needless to say, I didn't hear it from my mother, who said that I was 'evil' for 'trying to spread lies about the boy'.
"Why is she sorry?" I asked.
"Because he got in trouble, cause he didn't do what Jehovah likes."
I asked what she meant. She repeated that he "did something that Jehovah didn't like, and so Dad won't go out to eat with him or anything, or even talk to him anymore."
"Oh, how come?"
"Because he has to learn to go back to doing what Jehovah wants." she sighed. "Sometimes, you just gotta do what you gotta do."
I recognized that as one of my ex's pet phrases, and I pursued the issue.
"What did he do that was so bad that no one will talk to him?" I asked her. She replied,
"I don't know, but he has to be a shut out. So he will learn to do good things that Jehovah likes. So he can be in the new world."
I was stunned. I hadn't expected her to be saying such things so young. Her father has been influencing her more than I knew.
"Do you know how Aunt D.* and Uncle J* and Kate* and Jamie* and Allison* won't talk to me?"
"Yes."
"That's because they believe I did something that Jehovah didn't like. I'm disfellowshipped too."
She didn't know what to say. She looked at me a moment, then finally spoke again.
"Why, Mom?"
"I divorced your Dad and married Jack*. That's what they think is wrong. That's why they won't talk to me, or see me. I could go back, but I won't, because I don't believe its right to cut someone off from your family because they do or say something you don't agree with. If they're doing something bad that hurts them, they should get help, but their family should still love them."
She got a very sad look in her eyes and leaned her head against my chest.
"That just breaks my heart, Mom. I'll just have to love you more to replace them if they won't talk to you. I'll always talk to you."
She started to cry. She kept repeating that she didn't understand why they didn't love me anymore, that it was wrong because I was a good mommy and Jack was good, too.
I explained to her that she should realize that it wasn't just our family that was this way. That anyone who was a Witness would stop talking to me, her, or anyone else in exactly the same way if they ever did anything the Witnesses don't agree with.
I didn't have to say more than that, I could tell from the look on her face that she knew it, and believed me. She sat quietly for a long time, her brown eyes flooded with tears and a sadness that should never be seen on the face of someone so young.
I also told her that no matter what happens in her life, that I will always love her, never turn my back on her or walk away. She hugged me tighter, and brought up something that we'd seen on television a few weeks ago.
It had been a movie about a Bahraini princess who fell in love with an American marine stationed in Bahrain. Her mother found out that she had been seeing the marine, and gave a speech that could have been given by any Witness mother who found out her daughter loved a 'worldly' man. It ended with the mother proclaiming to the girl "You are no longer my child."
My daughter, who had only half been paying attention to the television up to that point, was shocked and said "How could her mommy say that to her? You'd never say that to me, would you mom?"
"Of course not, not ever. You'll always be my daughter." I responded. She was especially clingy for a few days after that, and it really stayed with her.
Next, I told her that there is no reason for her to be ashamed of me. That even though I was disfellowshipped, I didn't go back because that was my choice. That I realized that I didn't want to be the kind of person who judges others, that the job of judge belongs only to God.
She just couldn't understand why my getting divorced and marrying someone who treats us so well could make God, and the elders angry. Of course I couldn't explain the specific principles of scriptural divorce to a five year old, so I told her that she would understand a lot better when she was older.
She also expressed again how she didn't like the meetings. She had remarked to me in the past that she didn't understand "how God could make someone die who is as sweet as" I am to her. So I know she has heard people say that I'd better get my act together before Armageddon comes.
Wonderful way to raise a child: To believe that their parent is condemned to die at God's hand. Just the thought of that makes me nauseous.
I told her that I know she doesn't like meetings, and when she gets older she won't have to go with her Dad anymore. She spoke again with determination on her face:
"I go with him, Mom, but I just don't say a word. If I told him that I don't want to go, he'll get mad. So I just sit and don't say anything. Cause when I tried to tell him that before, he said I don't have any choice."
Sad that she already knows, at five, that her father won't accept her feelings. Sad that she wants to hide them from him like that.
We talked for a little while longer, exchanged some extra hugs and kisses, and finally she began to yawn, her eyelids too heavy to keep open. She was satisfied with the answers to her questions for now, well, at least for the most part.
When I tucked her in and went to close her door, I heard her voice again.
"Mom?"
"Yes?"
"Just one more question?"
"What is it?"
"How did you get to be alive? I mean, how did you get to be a baby in your mom's tummy?"
My jaw dropped. This was indeed a night of surprises. I smiled.
"That is a question for another night, honey. Goodnight!"
She's just growing up too fast. But at least I can take comfort in her asking such normal questions like that, instead of the ones unique to the disfellowshipped parent situation.
The next morning she asked me what she should do "If my daddy finds out you're a shut out."
"He already knows, sweetheart. This happened a long time ago. That's not something for you to worry about."
She nodded, and hugged me around the waist, and repeated the most beautiful words in the world:
"I love you, Mom."
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*Names have been changed.
Update on the situation: now almost four years later, the shunning continues, and daughter has formed her own opinions of the family who do so and also of meetings, which she still goes to occaisionally with her father. She says she still isn't sure if "this God person even exists." I tell her not to worry, that that is an adult question, and she has the rest of her life to sort out what she believes. No matter what, her mom is going to love her.
Fleur